Very briefly, I have recently found that I have a life ending illness. To read more of my story, please see. This is my journal for last few days, which I am sharing with love and in hopes that it will bring further understanding of at least my process and the transitioning process generally to TDL’s Readers.
Wednesday was a relatively peaceful day. Tom slept a lot and was hallucinating. It seemed like he was very close to the end, but on Wednesday night he began to get very restless and nothing seemed to settle him. On Thursday morning, Stacy and I were able to soothe him with a lavender bath and visualizations, but then he tried to get out of bed in search of water that he thought we were withholding.
Jeanette our Hospice nurse arrived as Will and Jim were trying to cajole Tom back to a resting position. She was able to give him medications that temporarily relaxed him. She then suggested that that Hospice care within the hospital might be better because they could more easily sedate him. It took less than a minute to decide. He was attempting to rise again when we told him of the hospital plan and he melted back in to the bed.
Hospice went in to full action and Tom was transported to Benedictine at 12:30pm. By 1:15 we were in a room and he was resting. I felt profound relief. His forehead began to relax. His sleep was deep. I saw him as a baby eagle breathing heavily.
The night passed easily. I was lulled by his deep breathes. The nursing staff and doctor were amazing. In the morning I woke to Will sitting quietly in a chair. We talked about Tom and his gifts and all we had learned. I looked over and Tom had an eye open. I went over and told him how much we loved him and how much he was loved in the world. I told him how much he had given the world. He locked eyes with me. Will and I held his hands and spoke gently to him. The space between his breaths became longer. He gently exhaled. He was gone. As he had predicted he died in the morning, in the rain.
The hospital setting seemed to disappear as Stacy, Jim, Will and I gave him another lavender bath and quietly shared stories about him for 2 and half hours. We held hands and said the serenity prayer. He was luminescent and smiling.
A memorial service is being planned. We are confirming the date, but we think it will be Sunday October 7th from 2 to 5pm. I will post again once it is confirmed.
Thank all of you for your generosity and love.
Thank you for taking this passage with us.
We carry you in our hearts.
In honor of Tom Knell
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Tom Knell was 64 years old and lived in New York his entire life. He worked as a firefighter, an acupuncturist, healer and massage therapist. Tom was an avid gym rat his entire life, integrating hiking, running and yoga (which he taught at IYI in the late 70s- early 80s). Tom lived a conscious path to varying degrees since 1974, which included regular meditation practice, exploring his behaviors and reactions, accepting situations the way they are, in conscious service to others in professional and non-professional venues, staying conscious and present with the reality of this moment. A dear friend of several of TDL’s Reader’s, Tom generously offered to share his Journal to TDL’s community as he traveled this part of his life. While TDL has published portions of Tom’s Journal, you can read all of his entries at http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/tomknell.