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Addicted To Your Child’s Happiness? Join The Club!

KathleenChelquist12813”God sends children to enlarge our hearts, and make us unselfish and full of kindly sympathies and affections.”

-Mary Howitt

My husband, Kirk, and I just took our son, Kaden, to see The Lego Movie, laughing at each “adult” nuance given for the viewing pleasure of us parents who would often rather be at a drama, action, or even a light romantic comedy than seeing one more random lego piece blown away to oblivion and beyond. Kaden sat in between us while Kirk and I gave each other the occasional bonding glance of, “I know what you are thinking.” The movie’s premise was about deprogramming our computerized minds, following our hearts, and remembering that each person is uniquely “special” (even the “bad” guys). I was smiling-BIG-that movies are coming out like this for our children-besides occupying the same space with my family after a LONG week of Kirk being on the road.

After the movie, we all three walked out, throwing our 3D glasses in the bin, with smiles on our faces…or, that’s at least what I thought. Kirk and I eagerly asked him, “How did you like it, Kaden?” I could sense his physical unease was back, which he calls his “inner buggy,” and I am grateful that the days of his public explosions seem to be over. With much aggression and still a frown on his face, he said: “I hated it” and “it was the worst movie, ever!” (Much like our trips to Hawaii and Disneyland.) He repeated his displeasure over and over again until we slammed the car door. Quite frankly, he continued until he stomped into our house. Thank God we only spent $50.00, this time. This is when Tavi Dog’s greetings couldn’t be more inviting because at least our dog appreciates us.

I have been trained very well to let go of my expectations and stop pulling on the rope with Kaden and his mental quirks, saying to him with so much compassion, “Ok, you don’t have to like it, buddy. I am right here with you. You have every right to your misery.” This is when I continue to breathe and walk with him (quietly) as he tries to manage his “inner buggy,” instead of allowing it to manage him. This is when I try to not be addicted to his happiness.

“Trying is a word that will get you into trouble. You’ll get kudos from the world for ‘trying’ and you won’t accomplish a whole lot.”

-Cinnamon Lofton

‘But,’ what parent does not addictively want their child to be happy? As I get my rear end out of the way, I breathe into loves truth: it is impossible to make anyone happy, including our son.

Dear God, do I really need to drive or fly to far away lands, looking at gems and mining for Fire Agate in order for my son to be HAPPY?  

Are You HERE Kathleen? It’s Me, God. 

Sweet beloved, Maybe so. You could release your addiction and please remember to get the “my” part of of it; he is not yours.

“You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.”

-Kahlil Gibran

Oh yeah! Although I will give my ego an “A” for effort, it never wins. When I take the “my” out of it, I trust that the Universe has us all where we need to be. (Tweet-worthy!) I am not Kaden’s owner, Love is his true parent, and I am entrusted with his care. This is when I am willing to  surrender to our spiritual path and create compassion for myself and him…

“I feel with loving compassion the problems of others (Kaden and Kathleen) without getting caught up emotionally in their predicaments that are offering them messages that they need for their growth.”

-Ken Keyes Jr.

By letting go of my addictive need for our son to be happy, allows the space for him to experience the power of creating his own happiness. When I give him to Love, he becomes another awakening being. This depersonalizes everything for me. Shh to my ego. God is my self imposed loving dictator…

“I am perceiving everyone, including myself, as an awakening being who is here to claim his or her birthright to the higher consciousness planes of unconditional love and oneness.”

-Ken Keyes Jr. (The Twelfth Pathway To Higher Consciousness)

Ahhh…I am now creating peace. I hope you do, too.

With all my heart,

Kathleen

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Kathleen Chelquist is an inspirational blogger. Engage with Kathleen on her website, her Facebook and follow her on Twitter.

  • JT

    Great article. Your practice with this will come in handy when your child becomes a teenager! It is really thrilling to see our children happy, especially if they are highly sensitive and not naturally inclined to walk on the sunny side of the street. For years I really struggled with my strong desires to control every outcome so that everyone could be happy. This paradoxically led to some intense periods of unhappiness and stress. I am finally learning how to back off and leave them to grow and learn through experiences, both those that seem happy and those that seem unhappy. It is such a relief for all of us!

    • Kathleen Chelquist

      Thanks for commenting! Yes, it is such a relief. Much love to YOU!

    • The Daily Love

      Thanks for sharing, JT! -TDL Team

  • Stacy Walton Spann

    It’s hard to see our kids fall down and have to pick themselves back up again. I so want to RESCUE mine all the time. I need to learn to let go and let God take care of these creations, while I’m here to guide them on their journey.

    • Kathleen Chelquist

      Yes, Yes, and YES!!!!

    • The Daily Love

      Thanks for reading and sharing, Stacy <3 -TDL Team

  • Marie

    Thank you for this Kathleen, I really needed this today. I can so relate to what you are going through. I have an 8 yr old son who has a nervous system disorder which causes him to have tics when he gets excited or upset. He is dealing with trying to fit in at school and sometimes feels left out. My heart hurts everyday as I send him off to school with a prayer. I know that as a divine being he is here to grow, learn and live his own lessons and that I need to do all that I can to support him and then let his life play out as it needs too for his own soul growth. I send you love as you too learn to love and let go. The 29th verse of the Tao Te Ching, especially from Dr. Wayne Dyer’s translation, helps me when a need encouragement. With love, Marie

    • Kathleen Chelquist

      Thank you, Marie. Do you mind writing the 29th verse? Much love to you and your family. I KNOW it is not easy. Muah! XO, and all that jazz, K

      • Marie

        Hi Kathleen- here is Dr. Dyer’s translation from his book Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life-
        Verse 29
        “Do you think you can take over the universe and improve it? I do not believe it can be done.
        Everything under heaven is a sacred vessel and cannot be controlled.
        Trying to control it leads to ruin.
        Trying to grasp, we lose.
        Allow your life to unfold naturally.
        Know that it too is a vessel of perfection.
        Just as you breathe in and breathe out; there is a time for being ahead and a time for being behind; a time for being in motion and a time for being in rest; a time for being vigorous and a time for being exhausted; a time for being safe and a time for being in danger.
        To the sage all of life is a movement toward perfection, so what need has he for the excessive, the extravagant, or the extreme?”
        At the end of his explanation of this verse, Dr. Dyer quotes a woman named Naomi Long Madgett and this is what she says-
        “I wouldn’t coax the plant if I were you.
        Such watchful nurturing may do it harm.
        Let the soil rest from so much digging
        And wait until it’s dry before you water it.
        The leaf’s inclined to find its own direction;
        Give it a chance to seek the sunlight for itself.
        Much growth is stunted by too much prodding,
        Too eager tenderness.
        The things we love we have to leave alone.” -Naomi Long Madgett
        I don’t know who she is but this little bit of wisdom has gotten me through so much heartache for my son. I hope that it helps everyone who needs it. Thanks Kathleen and much love on your journey with your son ; )
        Marie

        • Kathleen Chelquist

          WOW! I am sharing this on my FB page. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE it! With so much gratitude, Kathleen

          • Marie

            You’re so welcome!

        • DS

          Morning! Yes, I can attest to this. I listen to the entire CD of “Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life” which is the interpretations of the Tao Te Ching by Dr. Wayne Dyer. There are 81 verses, They are all incredibly helpful.

          I have listened to these verses on my walks many times. I used to listen to them every day in the beginning after I was hit by a truck while riding my bike. My life change dramatically (and would never be the same) based on the life-long injuries which do not allow me to continue in my previous career, do the things I used to, live my life as before due to the pain and discomfort. They really helped — with Living Love — to continue on my path of love and acceptance…ie…. true health and happiness.

          I now only listen to them when I need to. When I need a brush up or want to get centered again.

          Kathleen, I am very happy to hear that you and your family are doing so well. And that your son, Kaden is experience more peace in his life. Children are innocent and deserved all the love there is and then some. ;-)

          Marie — I am so happy to know that you found something to help you get to a peaceful play in your life as well. Having children with health concerns is always hard on the parents. You love your children so much and want them to have a life that is filled with joy, experience, and pain-free moments.

          I hope both of you have a day that you are filled with Bliss and lots of moments that bring peace and harmony. You are both in my heart….lots of positive and healing energy sent your way.

          ~Dee

          • Marie

            Dee- Thank you! That book has changed my life and brought me immense comfort. I’m sending love and light to you as well! Marie

          • Kathleen Chelquist

            Thanks, Dee! Would love to see you on my Choo Choo train! Much love to you! K

    • The Daily Love

      Thanks so much for sharing, Marie! -TDL Team

  • Allison

    What a beautiful article. I don’t have children yet, so I didn’t know if I could relate to this. But surprisingly I can. Not just for when i do someday hopefully have a child, but it applies to so many other relationships in life. Thanks.

    • The Daily Love

      Hi Allison! So glad you can relate… And thanks so much for reading! -TDL Team

    • Kathleen Chelquist

      RIGHT ON! So awesome that you could see the mirror regardless of the topic. It could be our parents, boss, teacher, etc. We cannot make anyone happy. I ‘tried’ for years. Thank you.

  • Jessica

    Thank you this has been a real opportunity for me to draw on all the wisdom. Thank you Kathleen for starting this conversation again in my heart. Love always is stronger than fear and surrender is the way that I allow love to take over. So appreciate your articulation an resonate with your sharing I have spent many moments being in fear for the heart of my children. When love as always been right here.

    • Kathleen Chelquist

      Thank you. One time in the middle of the night I received, “I have found what I have been looking for all my life has been with me all along.” Blessings, Jessica. Kathleen

  • Kathleen Chelquist

    *****TO THE READERS….Hello all! Love is not cookie-cutter, and I change it up with Kaden all the time. I used to say, “You have every right to your misery” which worked because it snapped him out of his victimhood. It helped him see that he was creating his own suffering. I now say, “You have every right to your experience.” There is a difference, and no right or wrong way. Just wanted to add that! Big Love, K

  • chrissie21

    Love your article Kathleen. Such a wonderful and humorous reminder of what it is to be a human being; a parent, son, daughter, father, mother, grandparent, whoever and wherever we are in time and space. I saw Lego Movie too and I am totally in sympathy with your son. I hated it too, although perhaps I have seen too many less than memorable movies to remember which one gets the honour of “worst ever”. Overhyped and overrated. The ‘message’ of course is a great one, but the vehicle, the messenger was extremely irritating. I am not surprised Kaden was disappointed :)

    • Kathleen Chelquist

      Loved that perspective. I could see how one could irritate themselves with it, totally. He has sensory issues, and it was all over the place…LOL. I created so much joy with the message that I didn’t mind. THANK YOU! I get it, now. XO Kathleen

  • Good Vibes

    I can so relate. My youngest daughter is 17 and I try to practice exactly what you say above so I really appreciate the reminder, and the support from someone else going through the same process. I absolutely agree that they are God’s children, he has a plan for each of them, and he is guiding and protecting them. However, I struggle with knowing when to step in and when to let her learn the hard way. I keep praying that I make the right decisions and Let Go and Let God. I trust it will all work out the way it’s supposed to in the end. Beautiful message!

    • Kathleen Chelquist

      Thanks, “Good Vibes” Like that name. When I am in doubt, I practice patience. The popular saying: “Go With What You Know,” works. You KNOW what to do when you are coming from your heart. The mind is the author of confusion. “When in doubt-DON’T!!!” BREATHE AND ACCESS YOUR HEART. You will soon see that your initial instinct was right on. And then you begin to “Doubt Your Doubt!” and go with what you KNOW to guide your child. Hope this helps. Thanks for commenting.

  • Harmony

    This article really spoke to me. I do it too. I think many parents do. I was just sharing with my husband how expansive it is to parent. I am so mindful, not just of what I tell my son, but how I behave, react, and speak. My son is almost 8 yo and he still repeats much of what I say. To see him happy sends my soul soaring. It is really difficult for me not to project on him what I think should make him happy(trips to Disneyland, the ocean, team sports etc). He is teaching me patience every day. I am learning to step back and observe instead of projecting or reacting. The more I step back the more I find delight in seeing his Spirit evolve and what he is becoming. It’s better than Christmas morning seeing his beautiful mind and Spirit learn and grow and become more. I also have had to learn that it is okay for me to be perfectly human at times. When I was a child my parents never had disagreements in front of me. Sounds pretty good but the flip side is that I didn’t learn conflict resolution until I married. Now I tell my son that we shouldn’t try to repress bad thoughts and that we aren’t trying to be perfect. We can get mad and get over it. I tell him to vent his anger and move past it. Sometimes we visualize bad thoughts, send them love and then picture putting them in balloons and releasing them into the universe. Of all the things I want for him, happiness, strong sense of self and God are at the top. It’s an incredible journey and I am so grateful for it.

    • Kathleen Chelquist

      So much gratitude, too. Thanks for commenting! Love, Kathleen

  • Lisa Besaw

    Hi Kathleen. I can relate very well to your post! I battle with my “ego” quite a bit, because I want my children to be “happy”, and I feel responsible at times for the “unhappiness” they feel. I have to fight the urge to look at what I can do differently to help them feel happy. I will take what you said here, and remember that its really not about me. I can only allow them to become aware, and be a guiding light for them by setting an example by being aware of my own birthright to higher consciousness. Peace to you.

    • Kathleen Chelquist

      YES!!! Thanks Lisa for commenting! Loved hearing from you. Love, Kathleen