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Are You Asking For The Right Thing From The Wrong Person?

I have a question for you: if you were craving nachos, would you go to a Chinese restaurant?  My guess is your answer is no because you know that in a Chinese restaurant, they don’t serve nachos. In fact they would probably not even have the ingredients to make them even if you asked.  If you really wanted nachos, you would go somewhere where they serve them to ensure that you could get what you were craving, right?

Now think about where you go when you are craving support, encouragement, guidance, unbiased advice, loving feedback or acknowledgment.  Do you go to people who are consistently able to dish out what you are hungry for?  Or do you find yourself going to people who do not have what you need on their menu so you find yourself consistently discouraged and disappointed?

Most of the time, we know what we are craving when we reach out to someone else.  It is useful to be honest with ourselves as to whether or not that person will be able to satiate us. If someone in your life has consistently reacted and responded to you in a way that has not satiated your needs, chances are they do not have the ingredients to do so.  Continuing to go to that person hoping that someday what you are hungry for appears on their menu is like continuing to walk into a Chinese restaurant when you want nachos.  You may get fed, but not with what you truly wanted to eat.

If you want to be validated and acknowledged, do not go to someone who traditionally dishes out criticism.  If you are craving to be listened to, do not go to someone who loves to serve up advice.  If you are hungry for some positivity and upliftment, do not bother reaching out to someone who tends to see the glass half empty.

This can be especially challenging when you really want a significant person in your life like a parent or romantic partner to be able to give you what you desire from them.  However, sometimes they just don’t have the ingredients to do so. It does not make them wrong; it just makes them who they are so enjoy what they do have to offer you. Our relationships with others improve when we just accept what someone can and cannot dish out. (Tweet-worthy!)

It is an act of self-love to be responsible and honest about how we get our needs met rather than expecting them to be met.  There are MANY people in your life who are totally capable of dishing out the support, encouragement, guidance, unbiased advice, loving feedback or acknowledgment that you are craving. But in order to consume it, you have to stop going to the people who do not have it on their menu.

Fondly,

Christine

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Christine Hassler is an author, speaker, life coach and spiritual counselor dedicated to helping people answer the questions who am I, what do I want and how do I get it?  You can check out her website here.

p.s. Join me for my most intense (in the best kind of way) workshop I teach each year.  At Chrysalis I teach the tools that put me on my spiritual and professional path. Details here.

  • Sarina C. Oden

    I literally was just talking about this (in a different way but same principle)…..you must accept a person for who they are and once you do that I have seen in my life how my relationships have improved and flourish!!!! Thank you for this!!!! ❤️

    • Christine Hassler

      same wavelength of LOVE xoxoxo

  • Simone

    Yes today I experienced this with my ex-spouse. I felt myself getting upset, then I stopped and took a moment to reflect. He has always behaved in this manner. Selfishness is the reason we are not married today. So I love the first line of this blog……I’m never ordering nachos from my Chinese restaurant!!

    Thank you Christine!

    • Christine Hassler

      Glad it confirmed what you know to be true

  • Samantha

    What does it mean when someone give love and encouragement to others but not to you?

    • Christine Hassler

      I suggest asking them…

  • Yasmin

    Just this past week I had a very random text from a guy who I had been in a relationship with. This ended over two years ago, because I was looking for more commitment, had fallen in love, and he didn’t feel the same. It took a long time for me to get over him. We met, and admittedly I wasn’t really sure why I was meeting with him after all this time. I think I was curious and just open to catching up. When we met the energy was very different. I was different and more authentic in myself than ever before. Last night we met again, and I told him that it had taken me a long time to realise Id fallen in love with him, and even longer to fall out of it with him, that I knew I still loved him, but that in the same way he couldn’t make himself feel what he didn’t a few years ago, I couldn’t make myself do that either. I think I just needed to make him aware of that. I still feel very neutral in my overall feelings towards him, No strong emotions surfacing. But Im a little concerned as to the implications for me if I carry on seeing him, and become emotionally attached in any way. I cant see that happening, and we have no plans to meet up again yet. I learnt such a lot through this relationship, and grew as a person. His behaviour is so much more attentive and very different to how it once was. I know he feels those changes within me. He was an emotionally shutdown and unavailable guy, and I know people change and grow. I did. Is it worth a second look at getting closer to him again, or do I run far away and fast, leaving the past where it is. He hasn’t mentioned a desire to get into a relationship or pressured me in anyway. Im just trying to figure out what to do. Part of me thinks just trust this process, and maybe it is chapter 2. The other part looks back at all the negative history, and sais, stay away.

    • Christine Hassler

      I think this quote from Maya Angelou may apply here…

      “The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.”

      • Yasmin

        I love that quote, very powerful and wise, and Im a huge fan of this lady. Ive heard it before, and remember it well. That said, it also suggests that people don’t grow, change, and evolve. True, if you decide to take your chances, you run the risk of finding history repeating itself, yet if you don’t, you never give anyone a second chance either. When I think of how Ive messed up in my life, Im glad nobody shut me down and said ‘never again’. Love, forgiveness, self respect and a healthy pinch of common sense are all needed. I guess when you don’t know what to do, its best not to make any rigid decisions. Tricky

  • Jessica

    Wow what a fabulous metaphor that totally makes sense and is perfect in its simplicity. I was married for 30 years and consistently was trying to order nachos in a Chinese restaurant. I kept being told that I was in a Chinese restaurant and that I would never get nachos there, and because I liked what else was on the menu, I was willing to stay and enjoy what there was. Eventually, however, as my soul grew and evolved, it became more important to me to get those nachos, and I chose to leave the Chinese restaurant. Only after I left did the owner finally understand my need for nachos, and he was willing to put them on the menu but by that time, the nachos he served were not tasty to me, and I just couldn’t eat them, after longing for them for all that time. Now I am in another restaurant where I am recognizing what the limitations of the menu are, and I am getting what I need. Thank you for giving me an aha moment!

    • Christine Hassler

      Glad you are getting fed in a way more nutritious way