Like, full on melt down.
The past month has been amazing. Jenna and I hosted our first sold out Love & Relationship Workshop in L.A., I spoke at my very first Hay House conference in NYC in front of 3,000 amazing people – and shared the stage with people who inspired me beyond measure (like Louise Hay, Wayne Dyer, Kris Carr and Cheryl Richardson), and Gabby Bernstein and I hosted a sold out event at NYU last weekend called “Love & Miracles”.
We also launched our first 7-day, no cell phone, Internet or social media retreat in Maui and it sold out within a week or so, and we’ve added on two more retreats because the demand has been so high.
And, I’m SO close to finishing my book and just signed with a Literary Agent.
Sounds awesome, right? Well, I agree with you –if it were someone else’s life, I would be celebrating with them.
But, I haven’t been in the celebrating headspace. Why? I feel guilty. Not only do I feel guilty, I feel like I don’t really deserve it deep down. And I also feel like what’s the point in celebrating because it’s all gunna go away at any moment – like I can’t trust it.
I know it sounds a little crazy, but it’s true.
This doesn’t mean I’m not grateful. I’m SO grateful. Like – no words to describe how grateful I am.
But I’m having a REALLY hard time getting through the blocks of guilt and not trusting life enough to enjoy myself.
While I was in NYC last week, I opened up to my friend Kate Northrup about this. She is a money coach and helps people with all kinds of financial and relating self-love issues.
I was talking to Kate about all this, a little dumbfounded. I used to be a music manager. I would help other people become successful. I was applying my skills to my own career, and now that some awesome success is coming my way – why do I feel so down about it?
Kate uttered, “Sounds like you might have an upper limit problem.” I was like – huh?
She told me that Gay Hendricks wrote a book called The Big Leap, and it describes that as we begin to expand there is a part of us that tries to keep us where we are used to being.
And for me, that is chasing, couch surfing and putting myself last so that I can help others. Gay says that we have a happiness “upper limit” and when we start hitting that threshold we start to mess up other areas of our life because we don’t feel worthy, we feel like success will result in abandonment, we feel that shining brightly is a crime and that success brings more burdens.
Boy – did Kate have ME pegged.
I am having an upper limit problem.
I’m so used to serving, I’m so used to giving that I’m messing up my own success with these very common problems.
I am SO grateful to Kate for this illumination because once I became aware of my pattern; I realized I could break it.
So, I started to ask myself:
Is it true that you will be abandoned if you are successful?
Is it true that you are not worthy of success?
Is it true that if you are successful that it’s a crime and others can’t be successful, too?
Obviously, the answer across the board is no. But I had to get to a place where I consciously understood this.
I still have lingering feelings of guilt around this, but I’m working to bust through them. I don’t want to leave anyone behind and I don’t want anyone to feel left out.
But I know that it was other people’s success and the demonstration of what was possible that inspired me to want to give more and become more.
It’s always easy to celebrate others, but very hard to celebrate ourselves. I’m trying, a little bit at a time to celebrate.
Are you having an upper limit problem?
As always, the action happens in the comments below, leave a comment and join the conversation! The TDL Community thrives in the comments and it’s a GREAT place to get support!
Mastin Kipp is the founder and CEO of The Daily Love. Follow him on Twitter here.
Take what resonates with you in this blog and leave the rest.