The Daily Love is a FREE daily e-multivitamin for your soul!

>140 char

Become What You Want To Date

by Break Up Club on September 16, 2011

“ Don’t worry about finding the right man – concentrate on becoming the right woman.”

- Unknown

It was Gloria Steinem that said “We are becoming the men we wanted to marry.”  Whereas we love Ms. Steinem, we disagree – for if that was true we would hold out for that someone who possessed all the same awesome, must-have qualities we uphold – instead of settling for less than.  This got us to thinking about an Oprah Winfrey show we watched about a year ago.  The episode focused on infidelity and Miss O said something to one of the ‘other women’ which ran so deep for us we now base an entire course around it.  She said, “Show me who you’re with and I will show you who you are!”  As her audience clapped – we sat there really feeling the weight of that statement.  It was especially weighty because at the time one of us was in an unhealthy relationship with an emotionally stunted, fear-ridden, non-committal individual.  So when Oprah so confidently revealed that statement, we realized that we were with that certain someone, because in some way we honored many of those unhealthy traits in ourselves.  When you come right down to it, we are who we date.  That statement and the meaning behind it rocked us to the core, but also kicked our butt into forward motion.  And we love when that happens!

It’s interesting. We hear daily from women around the world what they’re looking for in a mate.  It ranges from ‘smart and sensitive’ to ‘strong and generous’ to ‘friendly and affectionate’ and the list goes on.  Once we listen to them cook up the perfect recipe for their ideal man, we in turn ask them if they themselves possess those qualities.  In order for them to desire those traits, they too need to offer them up to their future mate, essentially, becoming who you want to date.  Let’s uncover how to achieve this so you attract someone that models your best qualities.

#1 – Look in your relationship mirror

If you’re in an unhealthy relationship or with someone that is not fulfilling you, look in the mirror.  What do you see in them that you yourself own.  If they’re cold and distant, well maybe you share that quality in your life, or perhaps are accepting that quality because you feel you deserve it.  It’s important to understand the reason why we attract people who are not satisfying us and better yet, why we stay. 

#2 – Mate “Must-Haves”

Time to get out a pen and piece of paper…it’s “list” time.  You’re going to make a list of all the attributes that are a “must” in a future mate.  Make two columns on a piece of paper.  Title the left column “must have qualities in a mate”…and then start listing them (i.e. family oriented, hardworking, funny, etc.) Once you’re done, turn to the right column and title it – “qualities in me”.  Then go down the list you made for your mate and check off those traits that you yourself have. Those traits that are left unchecked, if they’re really important to you, then work on creating them in your own life (for instance, if you want a man who is sensitive, yet you hold your feelings close to your chest, work on opening up).  After you’re done with this list, run it by a friend for an objective view.

#3 – Be realistic

Let’s be honest, you’re not going to be able to tell if the man you just met (whether online or in person) has all of your must-have mate qualities upfront.  Give it time…after a few dates you will see if you start checking those must-have traits off the list.  Also, while looking out for those traits, be open to other qualities that may be attractive to you as well.  It’s also important to know that one mate will not obtain ALL your must-have traits.  So pick 3-4 that are truly must-haves and leave the rest for ‘nice-to-haves’.

It’s crucial in this process of finding our life-long mate to be aware of the qualities you find attractive in someone else that you can also find them in yourself. First and foremost, you need to be that ‘person’ for yourself!

For more wisdom, tips and tools on “Becoming What You Want To Date”, sign up for our teleseminar, by the same name (09.21.11). For more information and to register: http://break-upclub.com/registration/

# # #

The BreakUP Club is an organization dedicated to helping women feel, heal

and seal the hurt of a breakup. For complete details on our next teleseminar and our complete list of services visit us at  www.break-upclub.com

  • Pingback: Become What You Want To Date or Marry | Todd's Point of View

  • http://droppingtheact.blogspot.com/ Taryn

    love this post! It’s something I am working on right now and let me just say, the list for the guy of my dreams and the one I’m supposed to be for myself – well, they are a little at odds. What can I say? I’m a work in progress (haha). Thanks ladies!

    • Janis

      Hi Taryn, thank you and we think it’s amazing that you realize what you feel you deserve and what you are getting are two different things.  That is the first step in this work – and yes – it’s work.  We’re sure you will progress in to a beautiful relationship one day that mirrors your awesomeness.

      xo
      Janis & Tristan

  • Aarohi Rane

    wow…i love this post too…i had never thought of these things ever…i know where i am going wrong at this point in my life

  • perry

    HI< I agree with much but with a proviso- an effective way to apply what youve figured out  is to consider the traits and matches and misses when alone and settled. always after the fact. When you sit in front of someone on a date and one or both of you are checking off your list, you are not with each other – youre removed from  your  connection in a  very important way. (You could add- if you need to be in that frame of mind- what are you avoiding?) be all there, at that moment.( dont force it - but be present and open-to you and them in that moment- follow what works, notice what doesnt but dont dwell on it. Have a good time.(thats the point) think about it and assess  it  later.

    If you felt  possible deficit in some way, at some point at a future meeting,, with sensitivity, make room for or initiate that type of engagement. If you cant connect there , or you get a reaction, and its important to you, work toiward surfacing it, to the point of asking about it even (in a relationship- absolutely), without judgement, and with sensitivity. (Unless you sense the engagement or topic and asking about it will incite hostility or  rage, then get out now.)

    Don't call it out for nothing -if it isnt there despit your effort its either going to be initially  seen as a deficit or its already a sensitive topic.(or they are playing games- walk away)- it means something to you which is why you mention it, so explain that.You cant ask someone to lower their shield without indicating you willl do the same.

    Maybe he/she never engaged that way,or that way in that particualar manner, adn is waiting for you to open the door or introduce it, or make is safe to try. Or maybe they have and  hate it, or have been wounded there and are scared. Lots of insight into people possible in those moments., including how they handle areas of less comfort, – moments of vulnerability (and the topic in general)and how open they are to others about it, and with themselves, and their feelings about the process of opening, resolving and increasing transparency and dealing with internal conflicts. its value to them and their awareness and commitment to it or away from it, and the limits of all of that.

    Checking off lists  can encourage projections, in my opinion. it makes it easier to develop feelings for a person based on the existance of  those qualities rather than for the experience of the qualities themselves as they  experience them in that moment with thst person.(In that case, if this is you, you are developing  feelings are for what you tell yourself the person is. -( those feelings then (Probably physiologically)are truly internally directed toward whoever you came to understand the joy of that type of interaction with.-an internalization. The person in front of you  is now, for you at that point, just a positive trigger.)

    that quality you 'like' in that case may be for  you just a  test to check if you can open beneath it to this person- its a projection. Common, and nothing wrong, but at some point it will come away, and you will lose the security of it at the same time as you finally see  the person in front of you  for the first time. many relationships should it get that far, end at this point. it often requires therapy and huge commitment to get to the other side,when these awakenings start piling up, but the other side is  where true love is. Most dont make it. So to me, minimizing layers of projections and judgments  between people is important- and patterns that could enable or  encourage more layers right from the start can be destructive, which is my reason for this whole suggestion.

    the point- be there when youre there-you can  think about it later- and make sure you do.

    my 2 cents- and thank you guys for your posts- youve written a fair bit that has helped me and i always appreciate where youre coming from