Being Vulnerable Is Sexy!

Being vulnerable gets a bad wrap – especially within the context of dating and relationships.

Out of fear (of rejection, looking needy, or any of our other insecurities that come to the surface when embarking on an intimate relationship), we try to hide our vulnerabilities at all costs. We play games. We act tough. We uncomfortably teeter the line between being just sensitive enough to be attractive while remaining guarded enough to conceal the depth of our insecurities. We think this makes us look more stable. We think it makes us more attractive. We fear that our vulnerabilities will turn our partners off, that they’ll see our vulnerabilities as weaknesses and, in looking for the fittest mate (Darwin-style), run.

But recently I’ve come to realize how counterproductive this all is. I’ve come to see how desirable being vulnerable can be. I’ve come to realize that stripping down –whether we’re talking about peeling off clothes to reveal our naked bodies or knocking down walls to reveal our vulnerabilities – is sexy. Very sexy.

When a partner feels comfortable enough to reveal his or her fears, it’s deeper and sexier than when that same person reveals his or her body. The thrill of nudity isn’t just about the feeling of air on parts of your body usually concealed by clothes, but also about the idea of being stripped down. Literally. So why not strip down even further?

Sure, it can be scary. But it’s worth it. No, it’s more than that. It’s necessary.

Showing up in your relationships – with yourself, friends and partners – with unguarded openness, authenticity and vulnerability is deep. It’s real and honest and, yes, sexy.

When we try to protect ourselves by erecting walls around our hearts, we don’t merely protect ourselves from being hurt, we also prevent ourselves from feeling and giving love. I had been operating from that place for a while – I wanted to protect myself from being hurt more than I wanted to open up and let love in. I thought revealing my vulnerabilities was unattractive, unappealing, undesirable. It took seeing someone else show up so completely and authentically – vulnerabilities and all – for me to realize how sexy it is to be striped down so completely with someone else.

It’s within this vulnerability that we can be truly open to the people and experiences around us and, ultimately, can expand our capacity for love of self and others.

If you show your soul and your partner runs, better know sooner rather than later that he/she isn’t the person for you. And if your partner, seeing you open up, dives right in, tells (or more importantly shows) you that he/she isn’t running because you have vulnerabilities, strip down deeper. Strip down more. Strip down to your soul. Let your guard down in order to let love in. (Click to tweet)

What guards do you have up that are preventing you from showing up as your most stripped down (and sexiest) self?



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Alexis Wolfer is the founder and editor-in-chief of, an online magazine that promotes Real Beauty, as well as a well-known beauty and lifestyle expert as seen on the Today Show, E! and more. She is also the creator of the international and viral Makeup Free Mondays movement. Follow Alexis on Twitter or find her on Facebook and on

  • Wow, excellent article. Gives some things to think about.

  • Catt

    Alexis – love this article, wholeheartedly agree with the concept. Could you give some ways we could strip down? Action steps?:)

  • WritingIrish

    I don’t know what to think about this one, I don’t find vulnerability sexy.  It makes you feel closer to the person, but not sexual or sexually attracted.  I’m attracted to them as a whole.  Perhaps I don’t understand your definition of “sexy”. 

  • Emma Barrett

    The allure and power of Facebook is the way it enables us to be social while sparing us all the embarrassing realities of society— the unanticipated revelations we make at parties, the uncomfortable pauses, and the spilled drinks etc. Instead, we have the ease and efficiency of a seemingly well-oiled, social machine.

    But at what cost?

    On Christmas Day 2010, Simone Back, a depressed charity worker killed herself as Facebook users mocked a suicide note she left as her final status update, that read: “Took all my pills be dead soon so bye bye every one.” Facebook “friends” of Simone Back responded with cruel messages. One user replied calling her a liar who “overdoses all the time” while another said it was “her choice.”

    I am trying to raise the funds on Kickstarter at the moment to get this story made into a 20-minute short film I have written. The campaign ends at midnight on New Year’s Eve and was largely inspired by Brené Brown’s TED Talks on Vulnerability. If you’d like to check out the campaign on Kickstarter, the link is

    Thank you!