Black Sheep Conversion!

Vasavi KumarGrowing up I never believed I was quite good enough for my mother and my sister. You see, my older sister Pallavi was the “good one” and I was the “difficult one.” Pallavi is now an oncologist at Harvard University. Today, my sister and I have an amazing relationship filled with trust, love, and the utmost respect for one another.

My mother, Geetha, recently retired after 30 years of serving her patients as a cardiologist. I, on the other hand, chose a different route. In the Indian culture it is typical to go into medicine, accounting, or engineering. I knew from a very young age I was meant to serve humanity, but I had no idea how I would do so. I spent the majority of life looking for ME in all the wrong places. Cocaine, cigarettes, alcohol, men, work, food – and predictably so, nothing ever seemed to fill me up.

It’s no surprise that I felt like the black sheep in the family. The irony of it all? No one ever said to me, “Vasavi, you suck. You are the black sheep.” It was MY belief that I was different and weird. And as most of us are aware, if you think a thought long enough, you start to believe it and eventually you start to BE that thought.

And I did. I did things that inevitably branded me as weird, difficult, and black sheep-like. It was easy for me to make my mother and sister wrong because in my eyes they were better than me. It was a perpetual narrative that I played in my mind…over and over again. I was addicted to my story. Every story affords us something. While I wanted to love and be loved, my story allowed me to stay stuck in resentment. It kept me from having a deeper connection with my sister and mother.

And you want to know what the worst part was? I really believed that I was right.

Have you ever told yourself a story so many times that you start to believe it’s the “truth?” You know what I’m talking about, right? The same conversation in your mind starts to be your fuel wherever you go and whomever you come across.

It sounds like:

“People don’t get me.”

“I’m misunderstood.”

“Nobody cares about me.”

And, if you had a similar experience to mine…then it SUCKED.

Because:

I alienated myself.

I made my family wrong.

I never believed I was “enough.”

I rejected their love.

I was cold and abrupt.

When you live in your story you create a “me” versus “them” paradigm. That is exactly what I had done. I created a fortress that no one (especially my mother and sister) could even come close to. The more I believed my story, the more I recreated similar patterns in other relationships.

In the video below, Stephanie, who believes that she is the “black sheep” in her family, wants to learn how to make her family understand her. Here’s the thing guys: you cannot “make” anyone do anything. Watch the video to learn more about how you can free yourself and shift your perspective from fear to love.

Two years ago I attended a personal growth seminar. We were asked to look at the people who we get triggered by more often than not. Obviously my triggers were my mother and my sister. What I realized that day was that I had constructed my life in a way that was set up for absolute disconnection. I began to see that everything I thought, and every action that I took, was designed to have me be “less than” everyone in my life. And not just my mother and sister. You see, it was never about them. Yeah, it’s easy to blame our past, our parents, our circumstances, for why we are the way we are, and why we do what we do. But in that moment, at that seminar, I GOT IT.

I got that I had manifested the relationship that I currently had with the people in my life. I didn’t get it from a place of judgment or criticism. Curiosity and childlike wonder were the key here. Being willing to look at not just the adult Vasavi, but also the hurt little girl inside of me gave me access to the awareness that I now have as it pertains to my mother and my sister.

That was the day that I realized my story was a “big fat lie.”

We are set free when we release the lies we have been telling ourselves.

The lie that I was telling myself? That I was “less than” and I would never be understood.

It was up to me in that moment to begin to love and accept myself. As harsh as it was for me to BE with that truth, I got that it was up to me to BE the love and acceptance that I was seeking. For too long, I was waiting for approval and acceptance, yet I wasn’t doing the work and “being the change I wanted to see.” (Gandhi)

If you are wondering whether or not you have such a story, here is one way to find out:

Observe the quality of your life.

The quality of your life is a crystal clear reflection of the quality of your relationships. We don’t live in a bubble. We are meant to rely on, depend on, and get supported by one another. This is the nature of the Uni-verse. If your life is not where you want it to be, consider that there is a story in place.

This new awareness coupled with intentional action has transformed all my relationships. I’m aware of a deeper knowing. A knowing that I am neither better nor less than anyone around me. We are all ONE. I know that sounds cliche and woo-woo, but it doesn’t matter. Coming from this awareness: Who would I be? What would I say? What would I do differently?

Once you watch the video, I would love for you to share your insights.

Brilliant Reader, if you GOT that at the core, we are all ONE, how would that change the relationship that you have with yourself and with those around you?

What do you learn about yourself and your triggers? Remember that whatever triggers you “out there” is all about what’s going on within you. I’ll “see” you in the comments below!

Love,

Vasavi

###

P.S.  I’m super excited to announce my newest digital program, Conquer: A 21 Day Guide to Freedom. This is your life. No practice rounds. No do overs. Get your freedom on here.

Vasavi Kumar describes herself as “your kick-in-the-pants guide en route to your desired destination.” With an out-of-the-box, rebellious approach, she inspires people to find freedom from their past to take charge of their future. As a freedom strategist, Vasavi holds dual master’s degrees in Special Education and Social Work from Columbia University. She’s the co-author of bestselling book Succeeding in Spite of Everything, and appears on TV as the “Keepin’ It Real Guru” on Kansas City Live.

Facebook

Twitter: @AskVasavi

  • Vasavi,

    Hi! This is the first time I’ve seen you (via your video and blog post) and I think it’s great you’re on TDL! You definitely make a great addition and I love what you said here! 🙂
    I predict you’ll get lots of replies from people who also feel like the black sheep and misunderstood. I think that living in love IS a “black sheep” way of living, so to speak. It’s different in today’s society. I would bet many people on here are the only ones (or one of the few) people in their families and perhaps social circles, who ARE living in love. Anyway, it certainly applies to me.

    You make a good point about not judging others. I see many of my family members living SO from their ego. Entirely. I see it and just want to shake them out of their ego and into love. But I know I can’t do that. So over the years I’ve learned to just step back and let them walk their own path. I try my best to live in love myself, and I realize that’s the only thing I can do. I can only do what I can do…and what they will do is entirely their choice.

    I looked around at my life, as you suggested, and I know I alienate myself, or I HAVE alienated myself up until recently. I, too, feel that 99% of people “don’t get me.” Ok, maybe 95%. But I also know I create my reality. What I haven’t yet determined is is this the reality I truly WANT, or not? Overall, I’m quite happy. I’m quite content with my life. I have very few friends — what I consider true friends who I keep in touch with, talk to, and get together with to hang out on a regular basis — but I don’t mind it. I like spending a good amount of time alone. I live alone too, and like that as well.

    I’m not sure why all this is coming out in response to your post about black sheep, except that I suppose my way of being IS a little “black-sheep-ish.” And I know there are aspects to my personality people don’t understand. Then again…is that just ME creating that reality of being a black sheep and misunderstood? Hmmm….

    Sarah
    http://beyouliveyourdream.blogspot.com/2013/04/how-bad-do-you-want-it.html

    • Hey Sarah!!!! Thank YOU so much for your kind words. It’s great to be here on TDL. I wrote about thsi topic because I have seen so many people, not just in their families but in also with their friends, colleagues, almost everywhere have this”less than/better than” internal dialogue.

      I’m so happy to hear that you noticed that you are asking these types of questions, specifically relating to the reality you have created. If you are truly happy then great; if you can look a little deeper and see maybe if you have alienated types of people because you believe you are better than/less than- even BETTER- there’s work to be done. And where there is work to be done, there is transformation of consciousness waiting to happen.

      Loved hearing from you Sarah. I’m here to support you!
      Love
      Vasavi

      • lizilynx

        Wow! There’s always work to be done…like an onion, peeling away a layer at a time! THANK YOU, Sarah and Vasavi for sharing :o)

  • Joan Harrison

    Great post Vasavi, I created my story as a child also and there were many good reasons for the story I held onto. What I forgot to do is grow out of the story and create a new story from the perspective of an adult mind.

    That is when I stopped feeling different. We are all different, however we are all the same and once that realization comes in then life certainly gets easier.
    Thanks for reminding me.

    • Hi Joan!!! I love it. Thank you for your awareness. It is time to create a new story and I know you can do it. I’m here if you ever need any support. Also check otu my program Conquer that I posted in the P.S. it’s all about freeing yourself from your story!

      Love
      Vasavi

  • Viv

    Hi Vasavi. Thanks for this great post! Divine timing for sure as today I wrote in my journal “I chose to co-create differently” and so with this in mind, please can you tell me the steps you took to break the lie you were telling yourself. I realise that it requires self love work but please can you explain the steps involved that allowed you to break free of alienation and separation? Thanks and blessings Viv

    • Hey there! Absolutely. I’ll be very honest with you Viv, that change can be hard but with the willingness and hunger to do so- anything is possible. The first thing I did was notice my story. Awareness is everything. The second step was to challenge my story and ask myself if this was true. Was what I was telling myself really the “truth?” The third step was to tell myself a new story- one that made me feel good versus caught up in my belief system. The last step and most important was to take action. Action can mean saying “I’m sorry” it can mean doing something kind for yourself or another, it can mean allowing yourself to trust more openly. Hope this helps. And also check out my 21 day guide to freedom. It can definitely help you out in taking action immediately! http://www.vasavikumar.com/conquer

      Love,
      Vasavi

      • viv

        Hi Vasavi. I wanted to share with you that since receiving your advice, I have been able to break the old, painful story and step into a new life story that truly represents who I am today. I am feeling so grateful and incredibly blessed! I have been working on breaking my old story for a significant time (a few years infact) but your advice gave me the final step I needed to release it for good. By asking myself if what I was saying/seeing/believing was true helped me become somewhat of a “neutral observer” and with that, I was able to let go of the negative emotions keeping me stuck. Without those feelings, I was then able to reach out and be vulnerable with others and ask questions so as to gain clarity and truth. It has been a miraculous process and one of immense healing not only for me but for loved ones stuck in their own story. We have agreed to now start new stories together by acknowledging that what we were believing were just our own versions of old stories which no longer served us but kept us separated and sad. So thank you Vasavi! I am immensely grateful that you took the time to reply – your advice has been life changing! Blessings xxx

        • Thank YOU!!!!!!! You did the work. I am so proud of you and keep at it!! Every day is a new day to renew who you are. XO

  • Vasavi, this is exactly the pattern I’ve always had in my life. I used to think that no one gets me, no one believes in me, and everyone mistreats me. It’s funny how it all changed when I stopped believing that about myself!

    I sincerely hope Stephanie (and everyone else struggling with this) can look inside and see that how they think others are treating her is exactly how she treats herself. The next step is letting go of that. Like I said in my last coffee chat video, that’s just a thought, some extra baggage we carry around in the backpack we carry through life.

    You can let go of it just by realizing that it is not real, and it most certainly does not have to be your reality.