Discomfort seems manageable today.
Just sat without the distraction. It felt supportive nourishing.
Will have a small meeting later.
I’m usually resistant but it’s always nourishing and good for me.
Beautiful looking out. Accepting and at peace.
Not a bad night. Awoke to a beautiful morning. Limited discomfort. The big thing for me is the deep lethargy……but without the discomfort at least I can experience acceptance and peace. Of mind and yes gratitude.
I had one of the most satisfying experiences in months this morning. I was given a loofah bath. I was nearly crying with thankfulness. My body in general has been so achy and unattended – it felt cared for.
The few people who came last night were also a huge help. They’re able to hold my truth and allow my process to unfold. I’m always resistant beforehand, but it’s always been an opening experience.
So today I’m a bit more hopeful. Hospice just left; the sun’s partitioning on my deck. I’m keeping my fingers crossed.
No energy, I don’t care about much but I’m fine, contented, comfortable, just spacing .Had another bath, yum. But it’s to a point where I need assistance. Another surrender. Feels humbling. I’m hoping to get a massage today. I’m more actively seeking out passive things that nourish me.
Spacing and floating seems to be my life.
A bit more difficult last night. Less energy; need more help for everything. Another lever of humility. I know that if I can get out of the discomfort, I can be at peace.
Below was written in Tom’s place by a friend
Late yesterday afternoon, Tom finally accepted morphine. He has had it by his bedside for a couple of weeks. In the morning it became obvious that he had hit another level of discomfort and bodily surrender. We talked of vulnerability and the power that comes when we accept that vulnerability in whatever form it comes. We discussed how vulnerability is essential for experiencing love and what is eternal is love and the feeling of that, is the dream-like space of floating, true surrender. This is what is left. A wordless place of being.
Around 2am I woke and went to check on him. He said, HEY! I want to shave. I said, absolutely not now, but in a few hours you can. He was happy with the energy he felt. At 6:30am we had a set up for him to shave. He was physically ill intermittently. Then a bath. Then a complete loss of energy. I worried that I wouldn’t be able to lift him out of the bath and to the wheelchair. Luckily his will is still stirring a bit.
Now he is in his hospital bed, completely relaxed. He asked me if I wanted to talk, I said, no I think it is floating time. He said yes, I think so too. The piano music is hopefully transporting him.
Thank you to the friend who initially suggested to Tom that if he could leave his physical pain he could resume his walk towards God without resistance. He was annoyed by the idea that taking drugs had to be involved given his previous experience, but this morning I can only say how grateful I am for his peace.
Thank you to the friend for encouraging him yesterday to not be afraid.
Thank you all who have written and supported him. Your words have carried him.
# # #
Tom Knell is 64 years old and has lived in New York his entire life. He has worked as a firefighter, an acupuncturist, healer and massage therapist. Tom has been an avid gym rat his entire life, integrating hiking, running and yoga (which he taught at IYI in the late 70s- early 80s). Tom has been living a conscious path to varying degrees since 1974, which has included regular meditation practice, exploring his behaviors and reactions, accepting situations the way they are, in conscious service to others in professional and non-professional venues, staying conscious and present with the reality of this moment. A dear friend of several of TDL’s Reader’s, Tom has generously offered to share his Journal to TDL’s community as he travels this part of his life. While TDL will publish portions of Tom’s Journal, you can read all of his entries at http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/tomknell.