I am angry with my boyfriend right now. Seething. This is so uncomfortable to keep in. I cannot express this to him night now because he is overworked today and I’m scared of the way it will land on him, and I am too angry to deliver the message in a loving way. So it goes here for now.
I don’t feel supported by you right now and I think it is unfair that I have been holding lots of space for you but when it’s your turn I don’t get it back. It was not fair that when I came to you for love and support yesterday the conversation became about how tired you are and how you need your space. The message I got from that was “I’m too tired to deal with you so don’t ask me for anything.” It hurt me to feel like I was a burden, or that couldn’t make a request, and that it seems like keeping your space is more important to you than supporting me through a hard time. I see that you are overworked and exhausted (which is why I am not telling you this right now) and it is unfortunate timing for me that when I need you to be the stronger person you can’t be. But I would like to feel as important as all those other things you have to do.
I guess it comes down to feeling like right now you are more important than me in this relationship and I am NOT OKAY WITH THAT. I am not okay with how at the end of the night it ended as “too bad i’m so tired, and too bad you are so sad, so too bad for you.”
I take responsibility that I wasn’t clear in what kind of support I wanted so these are my requests to you:
1. When I am feeling sad please ask, “what can I do to help you?”
(Why thanks for asking love! What you can do today is to stay focused on your work and get as much as you can done so we can have some quality time together this weekend. Also please try to be strong for me. You are in a more emotionally grounded situation than me so I need you to go easy on me, be encouraging, and remind me that everything is going to be okay. You can also help me by reminding me that I am important to you.)
2. When I do receive that inevitable bad news, I would like you come to me as soon as you can. I need to know that you will stop what you are doing and come to comfort me. I need to prepare for this because the grief is compounding and it is hard enough already. At least with this death I can prepare, and that’s what I have been trying to do.
Your support is valuable to me because nobody else can comfort me the way you do.
I love you.
If I was to verbalize this it sure wouldn’t come out as eloquent as this. I pray that sometime today I will be given the opportunity to say this to him and he will receive it with love. Last night, I did say a prayer for help and it was answered quickly by a friend who came to be with me, so I do acknowledge that the support I need is out there, I just need him to do his part too. Thank you for listening.
A TDL Reader