Daily Share - Am I Being Selfish? - Daily Love with Mastin Kipp

Daily Share – Am I Being Selfish?

This is a first “share” for me, even though I have been a Daily Lover for about 2 years now. I want to start by thanking Mastin for his wonderful advise and inspirational quotes. Sometimes I feel like you are speaking directly to me and that you totally GET me even though we have obviously never met. I start my day with meditation, listen to inspirational cd’s from Louise Hay or Wayne Dyer and I get great advice.

My home life is a daily challenge. I have been married to a faithful husband who is a handy man, good dad & he can even cook! He has a good heart and is a very honest man. He has other good qualities too. On the down side, he is an emotional vampire. He holds on to his past pain and it has made him a very bitter, sarcastic and angry man. I always tell him that forgiveness is the best healer for that brick he carries around on his heart. He sometimes sits and watches tv from the moment he wakes up until bed time…and it can be the most beautiful, sunny perfect day outside. He will get a few things done throughout the day, but for the most part he attaches himself to the sofa & remote control.

I am the type of person that loves the outdoors, beach, sunny days, changes of seasons (except winter) LOL, and learning anything new. I make jewelry, teach yoga & fitness classes, cook, meditate, and pray everyday for my feelings of love for him to come back. Right now it feels like we are just roommates & we have absolutely nothing in common. I go about my day of work or socializing with friends, and he never wants to come. When we do go out together on rare occasions, it has become very uncomfortable. We may eat dinner out and have nothing to talk about…..except the only thing we have left in common….our daughters. They are both teenagers 16 & 18. The 16 year old is having a very hard time socially and cannot wait to graduate from HS in June…we cant wait either. The older one is away in college and really enjoying her independence. The younger daughter’s unhappiness causes pain and suffering for my husband and I as we both love her so much and would do anything to make it better. That is our common denominator. Otherwise, we seem to be living on separate planets. We have been living in separate bedrooms for almost 2 years now and the only time we really spend together is during tv time – which for me is always after 9 pm. So there is no conversation there. We do try to eat dinner together most of the time, though it usually ends up in some kind of disagreement about the girls & how we should be raising them.

I told him that I am so lonely even though I am not alone. I try to find a way to be attracted to him again, but it just is not there. His negativity makes me very resentful and I feel like all of my energy is sucked right out of me the moment I come home, just because he is here. I know there is going to be some kind of complaint and another problem to discuss. When I go through my day, I try to find time to walk on the beach, listen to the ocean, meditate there, and I have even wrote a poem the other day based on the beauty of the moment. I have been unfulfilled in my marriage for over 10 years now, and I will be “celebrating” my 20th anniversary in Oct. I have such anxiety about it, because it just doesn’t feel right. I constantly reevaluate my emotions. I know that I am scared to death of the unknown, I worry about being able to make it on my own, worry about hurting his feelings (and my daughters too) and that he will hate me for leaving, if I ever get up the courage to do so. I think about the quote “Unto thine own self be true”. For me that means that I would have to be very selfish, and that is not really one of my stronger characteristics. I am a person of kindness and giving. I carry a lot of guilt when I think I may have hurt someone’s feelings or done something bad. I even have guilt about my feelings. I try so hard to turn my resentment and judgemental feelings into love, but that feeling is just not within my reach right now. Again, my husband is not a bad guy, he is just not what I see on my path. I stay because of fear and to be in my comfort zone, living the familiar life, and knowing pretty much what I have to look forward to when I get home. I am bored & very lonely. I go to my friends to fulfill my entertainment needs and that is one of my many blessings.

I don’t know what to do as far as my marriage. Do you think there is a chance we can survive? I don’t want to waste anymore of my life. I am 45 now, still have time and energy for great adventures. I worry about how we will afford to send 2 girls to college, & pay for another rent if one of us leaves. I worry if I am making the right decision. I am only looking for peace and a home that I look forward to coming to. Am I being selfish?

A TDL Reader

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