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Daily Share – Am I Supposed To Be With Him?!

TDL_FB-iconThe reason I’m here is because I’m desperately confused. I have been with my fiance for almost 10 months and we recently moved 8 hours away from my hometown for his job. I won’t go into detail now, but the way we met and started dating is like something out of a movie (in my opinion).

However, for a few weeks before our move and ever since we got here one month ago, I have been very depressed. I have never had very many hobbies outside of reading, and I’m currently on the hunt for a job, so for now I spend my days alone at home, cleaning house, trying to avoid unhealthy foods (and failing half the time), and just waiting for my fiance to get home from work.

To sum it up, my life has been very mundane in a fish-bowl sense of the word. I KNOW that that aspect of things will improve once I settle in, get a job and start making friends. However, I’m also questioning the legitimacy of my relationship while all of this is happening. When I say I’ve been depressed, I mean DEPRESSED…like, crying every day / multiple times a day. Not to mention how irritable it makes me. I know I’m not easy NOR a pleasure to be around when I’m like this, but I feel somewhat abandoned by my fiance.

Even when we aren’t talking about my issues, and we both seem to be in good moods, he acts in a way that can bring me down. He loves to tease, but with my depression, I do NOT take well to teasing lately. I tell him the kind of extra love, sensitivity and attention I need, but he becomes defensive and says he feels like I’m telling him he’s not good enough and it makes him not want to give it to me. He really does try but the fact that I have to ASK for it really takes away from it. I understand that he is becoming frustrated with the whole situation, he’s only human and I know I seem determined to stay in this rut. Ugh. I’ve considered that maybe I should wait to reevaluate my relationship once I get all the other aspects of my life sorted out, THEN see how things with him feel.

My main reason for coming here is that I have a tendency to quit EVERYTHING when it gets too hard. I am so ashamed to say it, but I am a quitter. I quit diets, exercise, previous relationships, jobs, etc. I never power through the hard times, EVER. So, I have this gigantic and exhausting inner turmoil about whether this inkling of a breakup is legitimate, or if it’s just my low self esteem telling me to quit because that’s the easy way out? This depression has hit me in EVERY serious relationship I’ve ever been in. Then I break it off and I’m happy with the new guy until it all cycles back around.

So do I sit around and tough it out? Or am i really just not meant to be with him? I’m getting SO tired of this! I need some serious advice!

A TDL Reader

  • http://www.twopawsupgrooming.com/ Carol Shannon

    Good morning :) What comes to me when I read this is that you’re seeking love and happiness outside yourself. It’s what most of us have done at some point in our lives. It doesn’t work and eventually blows up in our faces. What’s going on has absolutely NOTHING to do with your fiancé, so you can take him out of the picture as far as the “fix” goes. He’s feeling the pressure of you looking to him to create your happiness and give you the love you’re seeking, he can’t do either. YOU are the love and happiness you’re seeking! Until you love and accept yourself unconditionally in this moment and all others, you will never find a man to be happy with. The harsh judgements of yourself in your letter tell the story. The thoughts that are unkind? If they make you contract and feel bad about yourself when you hear them, they’re not true and you don’t have to agree with them, that’s just your conditioning and you can send love to them and let them go on their way. We all have a built in inner guidance system. Thoughts and things that create joy on the inside get a YES from us and the opposite is true if something causes contraction. Can you love the one who feels this way about herself? Love the one who quits her diets, the one who judges herself, the one who quits relationships. Whatever pops up next in your head wants love and attention. Every aspect of you is a divine piece of God and deserves love. If you’re interested, look up Matt Kahn on YouTube and look for the one titled The Love Revolution. Maybe it’ll resonate with you. You can also try http://www.thework.com with Byron Katie and you can watch her on YouTube as well. I hope some of this helps and I hope your heart explodes with the love you give to yourself!
    I love you, Carol

  • MeredithShay

    Hi there. I can relate a lot to your situation. A few years ago my husband, baby boy (at the time) and I just moved to a new town. I was going to be starting my own business after the move, but it took forever to start off so I spent a lot of days lonely and depressed, ballooned to my biggest size, and without the friends I had been surrounded with on a daily basis with work. I look back and those were some of my darkest days.

    One day I hit rock bottom. I had no choice but to go up. I started a daily ritual of going on LONG walks and listening to music and enjoying nature. I started seeing value in myself and then I began creating. Creating small things at first, then moving on to home renovation things, then artwork. I began doing things I had never done before, I started to volunteer and I began talking to people and become more outgoing. I started to really change who I used to be.

    I’m not talking too much about my husband in this situation because it isn’t really relevant. My change happened because I wanted it to happen. People begin to sift out of your life as you change. New people begin to fall into your life. It takes time. Change will not happen over night, but you do have the power to create life lasting change by choosing daily rituals that reflect your goals.

    I also want to add that you have every right to ask for what you need in a relationship. But make sure you aren’t putting unrealistic expectations on your partner because you aren’t fulfilling those needs first. You are also in a relationship with yourself. If you are denying your needs because you don’t value yourself enough it will be hard to require healthy boundaries in other people to do the same.

    I hope this hard transitional time in your life brings about change, growth, and clarity to what you are seeking.
    Much love,
    Meredith

  • Nicole_9542

    Hi there. My heart goes out to you. I can relate to your post in many ways. I struggled with depression for many years. I would look to the people and circumstances in my life for the reasons I was depressed but it wasn’t until I realized that I wasn’t giving myself the love that I needed that I was able to overcome it. You are very hard on yourself and have labeled yourself a quitter. I suspect that is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the judgments you have for yourself. Have you quit or given up on some things in the past? Maybe, but so what? It’s okay that you are not perfect. You are okay and you are enough in all of your imperfections. The truth is, you are divine to your very core and like all of us, your human imperfections are simply your teachers. In this case, your depression could be the catalyst you need to do the inner work to love and accept yourself. It was for me and I hope it is for you too. Please seek help and guidance and trust that your depression is only temporary. Notice that I haven’t mentioned your fiance at all. He may or may not be right for you but you must love and accept yourself fully before you can have a healthy relationship with someone else.

  • Amy

    Hi, I too can relate to this situation! I moved hours away from my hometown to live with my boyfriend to HIS hometown. I didn’t realize how hard it would be to make friends and find things to do outside of hanging out with my boyfriend. Before I knew it, I was completely dependent on him. I too have struggled with depression and I am very sensitive, so my boyfriend would tease me or say something that would hurt my feelings and it would just ruin my whole day. I would feel jealous whenever he went out with his friends. I cried all the time. The turnaround came when I began meditating daily (I did Oprah and Deepak’s 21 day Perfect Health) and I started actively creating better habits. That is my advice for you! Don’t let depression define you, because you are WAY more than that! Good luck :)

  • Kath222

    Hello my dear,
    First, I think where you are right now is a very good place, a powerful place. You know the saying “it’s always darkest before the dawn.” Someday you are going to look back on this period and think to yourself how much you learned and grew during this time.

    You just went through a major life change. You just moved to a new place, with a new home, new surroundings, new people, a new fiance, etc. This is stressful in itself. You say you stay home by yourself cleaning the house and waiting for your fiance to get home. While your house may be sparkling clean : ) this doesn’t sound very fulfilling. It sounds like you’ve hit a bit of a wall here. You are in limbo. You seem stuck. You say “I know I seem determined to stay in this rut.”

    So, let’s look at this here. What is keeping you in this ‘rut’? It seems from reading your post that you don’t know what to do – to stay or to leave. You say you “quit everything” yet you also say your fiance “acts in a way that can bring me down.” It seems part of you wants to stay, and part of you wants to go. Parts of you are at war with yourself – no wonder you are confused and conflicted. Each of these parts has a voice – listen to what they are saying to you.

    You say you were very depressed “for a few weeks before our move and ever since we got here one month ago.” Did you really want to go? Did you want to move with your fiance to this new town, or was this something you “thought” you should do?

    You also say “This depression has hit me in EVERY serious relationship I’ve ever been in.” The fact that you’ve gotten depressed in every serious relationship you’ve had is valuable information. At what point in each relationship did this depression occur? Is there a pattern there? There is a goldmine of information there, just waiting to be discovered.

    I think that even though you may be confused right now, you are a wise soul. Take it easy for now and be gentle with yourself. You always have a choice, you always have the power to make changes. You will do what is right for yourself.

    I think it would be very valuable right now to find a trusted counselor, healer or coach to speak to. Someone impartial (not friends or family) to listen and guide you towards your inner self – the wise woman within you who knows all the answers and who will show you the way. You just need to become clearer in yourself. It is all a journey of self discovery; it is all good.

    I wish you all the best, dear little sister. My love to you.