At 26, I’ve had a good life… but not without its bumps and bruises. My home life was rocky, parents divorced when I was 21, my grandmother died shortly after that and I was faced with the financial burden of putting myself through college when I wasn’t ready. In college, I hopped from relationship to relationship, hoping to fulfill a void. I remember crying in the shower one day, thinking, “I just want someone to love me.” What I didn’t do at the time, was love myself.
A few years went by, I graduated college, I had another break up and was going through the phase of “what do I want in my life?” I entered graduate school to pursue a counseling degree. I count this as one of my greater decisions. My first professor in my first graduate course said something that stuck with me: “you cannot heal the sick if you’re sick.” I had contemplated personal counseling before, and now I was sure I needed to go.
I felt sick.
I entered personal counseling for a good 6 months and started practicing meditation. I wanted to face my issues I had with my parents, a bad relationship that ended even worse and I wanted to feel good about myself. This decision, to enter counseling, is the best decision I’ve ever made for myself. I was nervous and didn’t know what to expect, and the counseling sessions did get worse before they got better… but I learned that when you are persistent through the darkness to see the light, you eventually will.
I also learned that before I could find love, I needed to love myself.
Today, when talking with my best friend about relationships, she mentioned to me, “when you stop looking for love, that’s when you’ll find it.” I’ve heard this before, but now I see the true meaning within that statement. When you stop looking for love, stop thinking it’s going to look a certain way, or act a certain way, or it’s going to be a majorly hot guy who you THINK is great, but isn’t….when you chase after what you think it is, you won’t find it. When you let love find you- it’s way different. When you stop and can take down the pretenses and expectations, you free yourself…this is when your opened to finding it.
…and I found that I’ve had it all along, inside of me. I am made of love. I give love and I receive love. I always have.
Sometimes we can’t see what we have, until we don’t look.
A TDL Reader