Daily Share – Broken Heart And Spirit…

Hello! Thank you for a chance to unload. I write from a place of desperation and a broken heart and spirit! It started at the age of ten. it all began at home. I am probably the most messed up individual you can ever meet. I never know where to began or end. But I will just start somewhere. As a child I was physically and sexually abused and abandoned. One parent did the sexual abuse and the other the physical. Eventually my spirit broke and so did my heart. I used to be sooo happy and full of life as a child. Creative, vibrant and strong. I have been robbed of all that. I thought having children someone I could love would cure me. I knew I was born to be a mother. I loved children and everything involving the idea of parenthood. Nine kids later I am almost to the point of death. I have but a small desire to live. Failed relationships, marriage and ultimately failing on life! I struggle daily for self-worth and long for a place to fit in, just to have loving parents. To have someone real close to me who will uplift me. To be positive is a struggle. I have become angry masking my sensitive side because people have so often taken advantage of me. When I offer them a hand they give me their butt to kiss or a knife in my back. Whatever I have I share and I always end up with less. I am currently in an abusive relationship. I am away from all family and friends. I hurt daily deep to my core and I am struggling just to change the essence of myself for a better tomorrow. Not just for me, but for my children as well. I realize they didn’t ask to be here and that they deserve better or they will be traveling down the same path. Positive change keeps resisting me but I am up for the challenge, I  just don’t know how to get there. It is so hard when everything around you is negative and ugly. For just about 30 years I have been living with this deep dark pain that threatens to rob me of life. My story is not a good one. The right words fail me to explain to you the real pain I go through in this world I have created! I just hope before it’s too late, before I drown, I will get the lifesaver I am so desperately seeking!

A TDL Reader

  • AMH

    Good morning. I understand what it means to feel like you need someone else to validate your existence and make you feel alive. But just as your experiencing, it leaves you empty when there is no one around to pull energy from. So I am sure you recognize why this lifestyle doesnt fully benifit soulful growth. Although we all enjoy positive feedback from our significant other, family, friends, and even random strangers this is only enjoyable when someone is around. This reminds me of a quote I heard ” There are two types of people in this world. Ones that give you energy and ones that take your energy.” I feel like all humans desire to be givers of energy but get tangled up in the seduction of just taking everyone elses. Once the dust settles we are left feeling empty and alone. So perhaps a test of giving love and joy to other will help. Fot a moment silence the inner pessimist and try to give hope. Reach out side the norm and help others less fortunate. Nothing throws you back into reality quicker. Nothing will make you feel positive about yourself less destructively. Open up and give my dear. I am excited to see what happens after. To read your story again and see the hope. That alone is worth millions of temporary moments of self worth pulled from others. Trust me. Ive been there. I hope you have a warm and loving day today.

  • Stephaniee93

    AMH is correct. My family and I were in kind of the same situation when I started to seek answers. I found it through small steps. First we started to take care of the earth by recycling, then it grew to things like a give away box that we throw good used things into and finally what put us on the road to major recovery was visiting a home for the elderly. It was then that I began to realize that I could either keep on living in regret over the past, which was just that, the past, or I could do something different and better than what I was. We only get one life in which our souls inhabit our body. Make the most of it.

  • Gio

    Dear ATDL Reader…
    I don’t know you, but I have heard your story before, and right now I’m heart broken. I wish I could give you a big warm hug and share with you a nice hot cup of tea and just talk….
    You know? Everytime I’ve been through a rough time I think to my self that I have the choice of how I’m going to approach the situation and what I’m going to do with it. So I get to decide if  I’m going to go as a victim or I’m willing to take the punch, fall and then get up, shake off the dirt and dust and stand up to life with a “bring it on”attitude. I don’t know how you feel, I can’t relate to your hurt..and frankly I would not dare to say “I understand you” ’cause I don’t. But let me tell you this… “Please, please forgive yourself for feeling how you do, forgive yourself for the all the hurting and pain you’ve been put through, forgive yourself for all the tears… forgive yourself for all the bad thoughts of taking your life and for forgetting that life is beautiful no matter how hard life gets” You have the right to feel how you do, but please stop feelling that way… It’s time that you let light in, I’ts time for you to take charge, make a change starting with your thoughts. 
    I have been studying Kabbalah for almost one year now, and thank’s to that I can now understand that problems, difficult situations, hurt, pain, tears, frustation… all this feellings that brings us to our knees happen because we havent been putting attention in our lives, ’cause we’re used to just complain or hide or run or even take our own lives instead of observing and taking in the real message behind the ” so called problem”. So in order for light to finally rain over us, we need to get over ourselves, accept the challenge and understanding that there’s something really powerfull that we need to learn, and the more we avoid it… problems get harder and harder and harder… I it is on us to put a stop to it and say to universe “Ok know, I get it”
    No one, no woman, man or child should ever go thru abuse of any kind, and I’m so sorry that it happend to you. But the good news is that you have in your hands everything that you need to be happy… you have the WILL to give this life a CHANCE, so go for it, you have nothing to loose.
    I don’t know if you are religous person or if you believe in a God, but I will pray for you, I will pray that you get the strenght you need to start with your transformation, and trust me… you will love the final result. Do it for you, for the younger you, for your heart, for your GOD GIVEN RIGHT TO ENJOY A WONDERFULL LIFE! I really, really wish that for you!! good luck!!

     ‘Cause I may not know you but you are a woman, and you could be my mother, my sister, my aunt, my grandma…. I’m a girl too and because of that, girls always always allllllways should have eachother’s backs!

    Much much LOVE for you,

  • Stephaniee93

    And please know that you writing this is your first step. Things should start happening for you.
    I wish you all the healing and love.

  • camattingly

    I’m so sorry you have had such a hard time.  I had a not-so-perfect-childhood too.  Maybe some of the things I learned would help?  

    1. You deserved to have parents who loved you and protected you. 
    2. You will never be able to replace that love; you can’t get better parents from a partner or from children or friends.  That ship sailed when you were a child. 
    3. You have to start loving yourself the way you wanted, needed, and deserved to be loved.  
    4. You have to get in touch with what you really feel and what you really need.  
    5. You have to develop appropriate boundaries so you are not overgiving and not getting your needs met.  

    There is a way through.   Good luck, love.

  • Dena

    I dunno this seems pretty obvious and I’m sure you’re working in that direction but step one in my mind would be to remove yourself immediately from the abusive relationship you’re in.  Staying in it only brings more of the destructive energy you’re trying to bring yourself out of.  Please, do whatever it takes to get the hell out of that situation.  That’s a step toward self-love and you must love yourself first before you’ll be able to love others.

  • Bellaangelo777

    I have to tell you that some of your story sounds very much like my own. I dealt with a very traumatic past. I was abused in more than one way and sexually violated as well by a non blood relative. I was an athlete, and out of the house a happy go lucky child until I got back home. I can’t say it was all bad. I suffer from anxiety and panic disorder, which made it that much harder when people are telling you you are crazy and you keep making mistakes. You are self sabatoging yourself. I know because I did the same. You push people away due to fear and not even realizing it. You feel empty like there is a hole because you see all these other what seem like amazing parents and lives around you. I even became an addict without even knowing it. I drank and drank to numb myself. I used medications and pills, and I cried alone and was so full of anger. The funny thing was is that I was also full of love with a huge heart. That is what people saw. They did not see the hurt. I kept most of that inside most of my life. It was only about a year an a half ago that I came to the realization that I was never fully dealing and owning my life. I was always telling my story and playing a victim. When I met someone very special who was going through much of the same, we in a way helped each other. It was the greatest gift I could have ever asked for. It did not come in a package. Our greatest blessings often do not come in packages or wrapped.

    I stopped being angry and I got sober. I couldn’t help anybody else until I helped myself. My life goal is to coach, make a difference, finish my psychology degree and do what I can and spread love; however, I needed to learn to love myself and heal first. Now, I can move on to what I want to do. Little by little and step my step we make those choices…BUT it has to be our choice to do it. Nobody will do it for us. No matter how bad things were and are, you have to have faith and believe they will get better. You have to pull yourself up and dust yourself off and PUSH as hard as you can. Somebody will be there to catch you. I lived my life doing and helping others but neglected myself. This in turn made me not practice what I preached. Those who cannot do teach, but it shouldn’t be that way. We have to be able to do it ourselves. I am living proof along with so many others that have been down these roads that it gets better. I am thriving more than ever. I couldn’t be more happier and zen. I meditate, I do yoga, and I have a strong support circle. I only invite positive and love into my life now. It is not easy, but it most definitely is possible.

    We often look for someone to save us or do something for us, but we must do it ourselves. I looked up and focused on my faith. I had people to talk too and be there for me, but they were brutal and honest with me. They did not baby me. They told me what I did not want to hear. It was not fun, but it saved me from myself. I FINALLY took the needed steps to move forward. You can do that too. We all have to start somewhere my friend. You coming here seems like you know this and are on the right track. Just keep steady on that course. Reach out. It is hard to do, but reaching out to get help will only benefit you if you allow it to.

    Sending you so much love and healing
    D 🙂

  • Katie

    My dear…you are loved. So much. You just don’t realize/see/feel it….because you are not allowing yourself to feel it. Because you endured SO much pain from the hands of your parents (those who are supposed to protect to you at your most vulnerable time). It’s awful, and I’m so sorry for you. I too was physically abused. But I have forgiven. I’m always forgiving. Because only I can make myself happy. I have to CHOOSE happiness and I have to CHOOSE LOVE, too. I have to choose to love myself first. You MUST forgive yourself for all of your past wrongs or mistakes. We all must be able to do that. You have to look at the child you once were — look at her, see her, comfort her, console her, protect her, love her, LOVE her, LOVE HER, be there for her always. You can change that little girl to trust again because YOU love HER. Because you love yourself. You have to start with yourself. I know it’s easier said than done, but that is the BEGINNING TO HEALING yourself. Please forgive yourself. Little by little, every day, forgive yourself. Tell yourself that you’re getting better and better every single day. Do this in the morning. Forgive yourself. Forgive your parents. Forgive God for not being able to protect you. You must do this. You have such an abundance of JOY within you — it’s THERE for all to see — but you’ve hidden it so deep down because you feel you aren’t worthy. AND YOU ARE. But it must start with you. IT MUST. It is none of my business about telling you what to do about your relationship, but it isn’t healthy. You are mirroring what you THINK you deserve because you THINK you aren’t worthy, and YOU ARE! You deserve a man who is the OPPOSITE of your parents. Who will protect and love you unconditionally. Please start to see this in yourself. The visualization of seeing you as a child works wonders — I do it everyday, and it’s helps SO MUCH! Why would I ever want to hurt that lovely little girl who had SO MUCH hope and happiness. How could I ever allow her to go through pain? I took control over that girl and I talk to her everyday now (I promise I’m not crazy), and it works. She is always there when I feel sad or jealous or angry or anything, and I talk to her, and now SHE tells me it’s ok….because we are both love and we care about US. And we forgive the world for allowing pain to happen to us. But today starts now. Please forgive the past. If you ever need anyone to talk to, please talk to me. I’m happy to help you with this new journey. I love you because you ARE love, my dear. It’s there. It has always been there.

  • missm1618

    I am extending so much love, peace, and serenity your way..my sister.  I am a person of few words but I would like to share some messages that resonate with me after reading your story.  I too have had a similar painful experience within my past and it was a story that I kept replaying in my head over and over, like a horrible record.  It’s important to feel it and let those emotions (energy-in-motion) pass through you because it must and wants to..but remember you are God, you are love, you, yourself hold the beauty of the world, and that vibrates throughout eternity, not just in this life.  Also, you are not alone in this and it is a courageous act you take by confronting your past, choosing to heal it, you are a warrior and a beautiful human being.”Our Greatest Fearit is our light not our darkness that most frightens us

    Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
    talented and fabulous?
    Actually, who are you not to be?You are a child of God.Your playing small does not serve the world.There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that otherpeople won’t feel insecure around you.
    We were born to make manifest the glory of
    God that is within us.
    It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.And as we let our own light shine,we unconsciously give other peoplepermission to do the same.As we are liberated from our own fear,Our presence automatically liberates others.”—Marianne Williamson

  • Cindy

    Make sure you get outside and walk daily.  No cell phone or music just walk and appreciate nature.  All that nature endures and yet it never gives up and is pure love and beauty.  Breath in every tree, cloud, mountain, and flower.  Notice the birds and the other animals moving about while you are walking.  This is where it all began with me. (At first when I walked I noticed nothing.  I was numb, but before I realized it I was smiling and noticing the beauty in everything!  Go through the motions and change happens.)  I grew up in a miserable home and we went to church every week.  I grew up afraid of God because I thought I was bad.  Mother Nature brought me back to life and now I talk to God and the Angels daily.  It all starts with you making little positive changes every day.  It is a choice you make.  Dreams do come true if you allow yourself to move forward and believe in something so much bigger than yourself.   It starts with YOU!

  • Bvalencik

    Wow, a similar story in my life….and trying to heal me!! I am still trying to forgive my parents and others who, in my very young life, hurt me and or neglected and abandoned me. It is amazing how now, at 51 years old, the hurt is still there and still affecting my life in everything I do. Forgiveness and love is really the best way to move on. I have just divorced too after many years and 2 children. My ex took advantage of my nurturing spirit and me wanting to be loved that I would and did do everything for him. I became very resentful in the end and so tired of feeling used. Ugghh so much pain on our whole family due to not having the life skills that I should have learned as a child. In the end it was a case of “hurt people (me) hurting people ( my spouse and children). I was tired of doing everything  just so I could be loved and or respected. Anger got the best of me and this resulted in a very bad divorce. I have a very strong desire to want to get better and heal me and whats left of my family. I read and study everything I can get my hands on that can help me. This website has helped me along with A course in Miracles that I am reading and a Return to love that I am reading. I learned about Mastin and TDL on Oprah Super Soul Sunday and so happy that I did! 🙂 xo

  • Erika

    The book “The Untethered Soul”  by Michael Singer helped me so much; maybe it will help you too.  Best wishes for a better life. I am praying for you. 

  • Anon0705

    9 CHILDREN!!!!!! why in the world. that does not sound like a rational choice. Living beyond your means financially and energetically. There is a line line when achieving a balance in your family and personal life.

    I am so sorry to hear about the abuse you had suffered as a child. However, having children to help you heal is an entirely selfish choice, 9 times over!

    I would encourage you to seek help, financial relief, counseling.. don’t create an unhealthy cycle for your own children to repeat.