Hello! Thank you for a chance to unload. I write from a place of desperation and a broken heart and spirit! It started at the age of ten. it all began at home. I am probably the most messed up individual you can ever meet. I never know where to began or end. But I will just start somewhere. As a child I was physically and sexually abused and abandoned. One parent did the sexual abuse and the other the physical. Eventually my spirit broke and so did my heart. I used to be sooo happy and full of life as a child. Creative, vibrant and strong. I have been robbed of all that. I thought having children someone I could love would cure me. I knew I was born to be a mother. I loved children and everything involving the idea of parenthood. Nine kids later I am almost to the point of death. I have but a small desire to live. Failed relationships, marriage and ultimately failing on life! I struggle daily for self-worth and long for a place to fit in, just to have loving parents. To have someone real close to me who will uplift me. To be positive is a struggle. I have become angry masking my sensitive side because people have so often taken advantage of me. When I offer them a hand they give me their butt to kiss or a knife in my back. Whatever I have I share and I always end up with less. I am currently in an abusive relationship. I am away from all family and friends. I hurt daily deep to my core and I am struggling just to change the essence of myself for a better tomorrow. Not just for me, but for my children as well. I realize they didn’t ask to be here and that they deserve better or they will be traveling down the same path. Positive change keeps resisting me but I am up for the challenge, I just don’t know how to get there. It is so hard when everything around you is negative and ugly. For just about 30 years I have been living with this deep dark pain that threatens to rob me of life. My story is not a good one. The right words fail me to explain to you the real pain I go through in this world I have created! I just hope before it’s too late, before I drown, I will get the lifesaver I am so desperately seeking!
A TDL Reader