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Daily Share – Dazed And Confused!

I am a 27-year-old college graduate with a full-time job, a loving family… & I HATE MY LIFE!!! I graduated from college in 2009 and have since worked a series of dead end jobs as an administrative assistant and am stuck in a serious rut. I don’t have any friends, I don’t have a boyfriend and no social life. I am always in the house and have gotten into this habit of being everyone’s everything. Whenever someone (mom or two sisters) need something, I am the first person they call on. Most people may think, “Oh, well that’s because you’re dependable or reliable,” but it is the most FRUSTRATING thing. I don’t have any kids of my own yet I am practically stuck raising my 3-year-old nephew while my sister (his mother) goes out and parties, goes on dates and is always hanging with her friends. I love my older sister and we are extremely close, but at times I feel SOOO much resentment toward her because she gets to go out and have all these great times, while I’m stuck being the responsible one. I’ve always had so many hopes and dreams for my life and my future, but lately they have all faded away. I realized I’m just going through life. Not really living, just maintaining. I can’t tell you the last time I had fun or felt good with the direction my life was headed. You know it’s funny, every time I do something good for someone they always say, “You’re gonna be blessed.” I want to believe this, but so far that’s not the case. I don’t do things expecting anything in return, but it would just be nice that when I talk to God I feel like He’s actually listening instead of feeling like it’s all in vain. I guess my question is, how do get my hope back? How do I find solace in waiting on God instead of feeling like my life is one giant mistake?

A TDL Reader

  • Lisa

    I understand EXACTLY what you are saying/feeling. I always helped others and was very understanding person to others opinions and needs but with an under current of “what about me” feeling deep down in my soul. I could always say good karma was coming my way but at the same time feeling sad or empty and very unfulfilled !
    I realized that I de-valued me. My time was sacrificed for others. My needs would often get set on the back burner. And by doing this I was also showing the people around me how to treat me. I mean really ! They didn’t even consider my needs/feelings ~ why should they ? I didn’t consider my need or feelings !
    Your question today is a good start to the rest of your life. One small step at a time start to put yourself first. Perhaps it starts with the word NO. Maybe you get a chance to go and see a movie or sign up for a class and your sister asks you to babysit your nephew ~ make yourself the priority and say “no , I’m sorry . I already have plans” Sounds simple but it’s actually pretty hard ,because you have been at your family’s service for so long it may feel “selfish” to put your own needs ahead of someone else’s. But when you think of it this way ~ are we really blessed or is good karma really coming are way when we do things begrudgingly ?
    I have been a priority in my life now for about 5 years ( I’m 44 ) Now, the relationships I have in my life I value more than ever, because they value me and cherish me as I value and cherish myself. Love means so much more because I love myself.
    And the service I do for others today feels good ~ deep down in my soul.

  • Misslightfootmba

    Dear Dazed and Confused,
    I completely agree with Lisa 100%. I have always had this same problem. Always there and doing something and being everything for someone else. And harboring resentment for the “good” that I was doing for those around me. I too would also feel very guilty when I couldnt “be there for” someone else or even when I was too tired or just didnt want to. Finally, I had to stop playing the victim and asking  “why me this and why me that?” I just took control of my own life and took responsibility for the way that I was allowing people to treat me. I took a step back from my “friends” and family that I felt werent giving me the same in return and I started to be okay with just me. Ive learned that people will only take what you give them or what you allow them to have from you, your feelings and your life. You have to set the stage, theres no other way. I hope this helps! Have a blessed day !

  • thelindseyoneill.com

    Gorgeous, Mastin. What an inspirational message for today. Nama. 

  • Sarales

    It’s no fun being a doormat.It’s going to take some courage but you’re going to have to learn to say no.I’m so sorry that this is causing you so much pain.I know that pain because I’ve been there. Namaste.

  • Jowaymore

    Wow, your pain and desperation comes thru loud and clear and while my circumstances “were” different the misery was the same. I strongly recommend that you read a great book by Lynn Grabhorn called “Excuse Me, Your Life is Waiting”. And as soon as you finish it, read it again. I’m excited for you already!!!

  • SB101

    Life is too short to not live it! It’s so contrite, but no truer words have been spoken.  And I am a former do-gooder, still have that in my psyche, but I’m getting choosier as I get older (and I hope wiser). Doing good without a happy heart is the opposite of gratifying! Your co dependent family – have you considered relocating? I hear Colorado is fantastic for young people! :) Wow – that would be a big brave leap into YOUR OWN. Girlfriend (boy friend?) GET BUSY. Write a list of what makes your heart skip a beat and find ways to bring it into your life. You need some soul sister inspiration and goddess power. Please check out DanielleLaPorte.com, and get her book Firestarter Sessions NOW, or her latest The Desire Book. I really encourage you to INVEST in yourself and get some coaching session, group (online, phone) or one on one. It’s so hard when you’re doing it by yourself!!!  Group ones can be quite affordable. Once you tap into the superstars (Mastin, Danielle, Kris Carr, Mario Forleo, Gabby Bernstein), you will find inspiration and inroads to the right “masters” to help feed your soul!  But ultimately, the responsibility is yours. You need to take BABY STEPS toward what you really want in your life (or gigantic leaps!). And not sit and wait. You’re on TDL, so that is a step in the right direction. You asked for help. That is a step in the right direction. Claim it. Own it. Accept who you are and what you have allowed in your life, take a deep breath and then move forward. An inch. I would also recommend subscribing to TheDailyWayHome.com for beautiful messages every morning as well, from another former addict (yes, you’re addicted to hating your self…) who is on the journey to overcome.

    First and foremost, as all have said below, you must learn how to value your own worthiness.  Obviously, no one taught you that or told you ENOUGH how worthy you are.  It’s a Hero’s Journey (Joseph Campbell) and sometimes it’s solitary (but should not be lonely!). Declare your love for yourself every chance you get. And all else falls in place. But it’s the hardest step to take. Habits are SO VERY hard to break.  Much compassion and HOPE for you, my friend.

    No guilt and no regrets!

  • Sophie

    Hello, I know exactly what you mean; I have spent most of my life putting others’ needs before my own and letting people walk all over me because I had no idea how to set boundaries.  I had no idea what I even wanted or who I really was, I’d just try to adjust whatever part of me I thought I should just so I could fit in and be ‘loved’. Doesn’t work though, in the end it all catches up with you.  Have you heard of a book called Reinventing your life by Jeffrey Young, Ph.D. and Janet Klosko, Ph.D. – http://www.schematherapy.com/id202.htm I have found it very useful.  I’m 45 and have only started this process in the last couple of years.  I think half the battle is acknowledging we have these patterns and be willing to change so I think you’re doing well. Take care.

  • Michelle Furtado

    Are you afraid that if you do something for yourself that you will be disappointing others around you? You may not be around as much or can be at their beck and call. Well here’s a thought: you will be of more service to others if you first and foremost love yourself. Unless you love yourself wholey and soley, you won’t be able to be the best for others.
    Let go of the fear attached to putting yourself out there. (Easier said than done – I know). But just remember the uni-verse has your back. Ask for its help, be willing to committ and show up when opportunities arise.
    I wish you all the best and remember, you have friends. I may be in Sydney Australia but I wish I could be your friend. We all want to be your friend. Other people want to be your friend, they just don’t know it yet.

  • http://www.facebook.com/joshua.gonzales.94 Joshua Gonzales

    Welcome to the club of Pacemakers who want to help the world but cant even stand up for themselves! I feel you and must say it’s easier to start by moving away far and recreating yourself. That was my solution. However, that is only a short-term solution because it’s a really an issue going on with in you that’s leaving you dazed and confused. Just like many wonderful replies mentioned below “LOVE YOURSELF”. It’s starts with loving yourself before anyone or anything. Of course you still love your family but now your adding a new member to it YOU. Trust me, you want to attract a boyfriend in your life who sees all the love you and respect you have for yourself. You can do this now by committing to do something specific for yourself and a specific time. Make it easier by letting your family know about your schedule. BE ALWAYS BUSY AND PEOPLE WILL VALUE YOUR TIME. Thanks for giving me an opportunity to reaffirm this in my life :)

  • songbird19890

    Sometimes it’s not about waiting for God to hear you or answer your prayers…
    God loves you and hears you! God also answers prayers but not necessarily the way WE think that God should. We can pray and pray but at some point WE need to listen to how God is answering our prayers and WE need to not only ask, but also put in our OWN effort into changing our circumstances (I know easier said than done). 
    OK, let’s take this one at a time.. It seems that the rut you are in might also have a tinge
    of depression(AKA toxic thinking) associated with it and if you have resources it might not be a bad idea to talk with someone(cognitive therapist are great!) that can help guide you through your emotions and can teach you different ways of reprogramming your thinking process. When it comes to your social life, There are plenty of opportunities to get out there and participate that does not include doing things that compromise you or your morals. Have you considered volunteering somewhere? Maybe in all your talking with God you should ask him to speak  to your heart about a cause or  if you belong to a church community reaching out there?(The greatest blessings we recieve is in helping others) When it comes to your sister(I am sorry if this is a bit harsh) It seems you are putting her in a no win situation.., On one hand you reward her “going out to party” by agreeing to babysit your nephew and on the other you resent her for it(hurting you more than her because resentment turns to bitterness and that don’t tase good!) However this pattern helps you not take ownership of what you want for yourself(again I’m sorry if this is harsh). I am not trying to be critcal or hurtful but I do not think that sugar coating things is benificial. The bottom line is GOD LOVES YOU so much that he gave you free will and didn’t stop there he gives you a new day with new opportunities to create your life. You can choose to be a self made victim or you can choose to see it as A BLESSING and learn to love yourself enough to see that God allowing you to wake up inthe morning is answeing your prayers.
    Mary and Martha:
    God used the story of two well-known women in the Bible to demonstrate to us the type of relationship He wants with each of us. You might remember that in one story Jesus was visiting the home of the two sisters when Martha came to Him to complain about her sister, Mary. As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!” “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.” Luke 10:38-42 NIV

  • SueB

    I have the same kind of personality, keep others happy at the sacrifice of myself.  It is amazing to me that you can see your position so clearly at such a young age.  It took me 10 years longer than you.  I had a boyfriend for 12 years who I did everything for, and he came to expect that.  One day I just couldn’t do it anymore and needed support myself.  He was unable to give me the support I needed, so I went into a deep depression and he broke up with me partly because of the depression.  But that freedom was the best thing that has ever happened to me!  I had to completely go numb and then start crying all the time to realize how seriously my situation had affected me and to understand that no matter what happened it HAD to change.  I had to remove myself from the situation because I couldn’t change him.  Perhaps you need to get out of the situation you are in physically, like move a little farther away.  You will still have to work on yourself, because running away is not the answer, but it would get you time and space to begin the needed work.  Good luck!!  My prayers are with you.

  • Miha

    I think you must ‘open’ your heart for something in the present.

  • Prita

    Dearest dearest Girl xxx big love to you!! the first thing I thought of when I was reading this was just to take one step towards doing something for you – whether that is something as uncomfortable as going out somewhere by yourself – go for a coffee at a local cafe – take a book? you can check out people while you are there – people watching and writing are lovely in cafes – you might even meet people there ? at least you will have other human contact that is not your work or your family – you might get a smile from a stranger or meet eyes with somebody! even that will be a step in the right direction maybe to get some of your own space and time.. just an idea :) I wish you all the best.. and I HEAR YOU loud and clear – I think a lot of us have been through this – I have and some days I have to remind myself again to do something for me! it’s amazing that we feel selfish doing good things for ourselves but I do know that when I spend a day doing what I please I feel so much better – it’s like filling up the empty well of love for yourself.. it might start with a bit of op-shopping, playing dressups, then a good coffee in a cute cafe, a walk in a new neighbourhood, a film!! or seeeing a band I want to check out – I reckon you are on your way out of this pain and you will soon feel a lot better – x lots of love x

  • Loretta Shaw

    BELIEVING in something bigger than self… lies hope. Waiting is always the hardest part… all things come to those who do. Remember, God doesn’t make mistakes, we the people always will. LOVE… is the answer.