Those were my first thoughts as I woke up this morning. Not a nice affirmation, not a simple prayer. And maybe that’s where it actually started to go wrong. I swear from last night I’ve been breaking glasses, spilling water, forgotten about a work shift, hit trash cans, and to top it all off I was in an accident tonight, hitting two pedestrians in a crosswalk.
As you can imagine, I was a mess. There are cops and ambulances and these two men are complaining of injuries (after they cursed me out and walked around fine for 10 minutes of course). A thousand ego-heavy thoughts have been wrecking my mind. How I’m worthless, a horrible person, a terrible driver, I shouldn’t be able to…exist. So this is bringing up past issues with my disordered eating and self-harm addictions. I can’t keep thinking about how I could have KILLED these guys. It doesn’t matter who they were, that they were druggies or whatever. I could have been responsible for taking human life and I can’t shake it.
The LOVE side of me wants to say, well this sucks, so something great must be right around the corner. But I’m having trouble believing it. I’m out of alignment and I’m desperate to get back. I can’t shake this feeling of negativity and all I want is to be back in alignment and centered again. And I’m afraid that all the meditation and prayer in the world just won’t be enough.
A TDL Reader