About three years ago I went through one of the hardest points of my life (so far-because I know there will be more to come). I had just graduated high school and started my first year of college at a University that I really didn’t want to go to but I chose it because I wanted to move in with my best friend (at the time) and because I thought it would be bring me closer to the guy that I had been seeing on and off for 3 years prior.
That year was hell and I began to spiral into a depression because I was not happy. I became fed up with the way my best friend started to treat me: she ignored me, deliberately made fun of me and stole my power each and everyday by being an intimidator and interrogator. On top of it all, the guy I was dating-even though it was hardly ‘dating’ because he never truly committed and only confused the shit out of me every day-was controlling me in a sense that I was changing myself thinking it would make him like me.
Finally I was fed up. I was tired of crying myself to sleep. I was sick of feeling alone and confused; nothing I did was good enough for those I thought were my friends. This is the point in my life where I started searching for support.
One day, as I was sitting at my office desk, on the verge of breaking out into a sobbing session, I was overcome with the idea of putting ‘daily love quotes’ into google search to help me get some inspiration. I was desperate but it turns out, by doing this, my life changed. The first thing that popped up was ‘The Daily Love.’ Your blog was still growing at this point but I was intrigued and signed up for your emails. Every morning I had something to look forward to and slowly, my spirit was coming back to life. I started to journal and spend more time by myself, reflecting on the feelings that were taking over my entire being. Through this time soul searching I began discovering myself. I realized that for so long I was conforming to someone my friends and ‘boyfriend’ wanted me to be instead of letting myself shine.
As I started to let myself come to surface, my best friend, would put me down even more-which now I understand she only did that because she didn’t want to accept me for me, she didn’t want me to change. This was a crucial point in my life where I knew if I didn’t get out, I would be stuck and spiral into my hole even further at which point my life would be at a dead end. I began looking into different schools to pursue my passion for fashion, despite what my friends had told me about me not being cut out for fashion. I found an art institute (far away from Milwaukee) and was immediately inspired to apply. Once my freshman year was over I moved out of the dorm where my friendship had ended and used that summer to heal myself. I didn’t speak to my friends, cutting them out of my life knowing that in order to start over I had to leave my old life behind. After countless letters, texts and phone calls from my best friend and ‘boyfriend’ trying to understand where I’ve disappeared to, I never really was able to put closure on our friendship. We had tried to get coffee to talk about everything but I was not healed fully and when I tried to talk to her I was still blaming her for everything. I’ve heard countless times that my ex boyfriend was confused by my disappearance and whenever anyone sees him, he asks about me.
It is now 3 years later. I’ve started a new life and have forgiven both of them for the way they treated me as I see it as a lesson brought to me by The Uni-verse to guide me into my new life; my destiny. Without them, I would never have had the courage to leave. Lately I’ve been having dreams of seeing my ex, who now has a new girlfriend and seems happy, and explaining to him why I had disappeared. He was never one to communicate so even in our 4 year relationship, he would close up when feelings came up. I’m not sure if I should even write to him, if he would even accept it. I guess I’m letting my fear stop me from putting closure on everything.
That is why I’m writing to you. For some advice. Should I write to him? If not to give him closure than to give myself closure. Do you think that is what my dreams are telling me? Same with my best friend. The last time I saw her was during Christmas. She looked at me with such anger and I could tell she resented me for the life I have created for myself when she is still in the same place, in the same job, trying to figure everything out. I was never able or strong enough to give her closure and I’ve been really thinking about it lately. That I should just write her a letter, thanking her for everything she’s given me and apologizing for not being strong enough to give her a proper goodbye 3 years ago.
Help me. I am stuck and need some guidance.
Sorry for the long email
All my love,
A TDL Reader
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