Daily Share – Getting Over The Fear Of Dating!

TDL_FB-iconIt’s funny how, no matter how well things are going, I want more.

Compared to where I was a year ago, I am in such a great place! I love me, I love my life, I am grateful for blessings and challenges, I focus on what I hope for, I say “No, thank you” to offers that don’t suit me and “Yes!” to offers that do, in ALMOST every setting I act with confidence…

ALMOST every setting…

There’s one aspect of my life with which I still struggle. There’s one aspect of my life where I’m FINE until it comes time to take action, at which point fear—irrational unreasoning, gut-clenching fear—paralyzes me. And despite my every effort, despite my every intention, despite my every good and worthy thought, that fear dominates. Dating evokes a fear I don’t feel when facing a director at community theatre auditions or a performance review at work or a shark encounter in the ocean or a cliff hundreds of feet tall inches below my feet.

I see a woman and I make eye contact and I smile, and then my gut knots and my mouth goes dry and my brain switches off and I…I look away.

I’m a good looking guy, a decent guy, an intelligent guy, a sensitive guy, an AWESOME guy, and I know damn well that this problem is MINE. And I forgive myself for having it, I find there’s a lot to love in my rationalizations for it, I’m grateful for the lessons and challenges it offers, I think over the years it’s contributed to the awesome me I am…

I just don’t want to be ruled by it.

I’ve tried so MANY awesome approaches to working through my fear and each of them has given me something valuable, yet none of them have changed the relationship between my fear and my (in)action. Self-talk, shifting my focus, changing my vibe, telling a different story, choosing gratitude…reason and compassion have helped me see the good in my fear without changing the balance of power.

Is it just that it’s difficult to overcome a lifetime of habit? Is it just that I haven’t REALLY shifted my focus/changed my vibe/told a different story/chosen gratitude? Because I’ve done all that I know to do in those regards (and they have benefitted me SO MUCH in the rest of my amazing life).

I keep seeking. I know that the answer is in me, and I know that it might take someone else’s insight to point it out to me. This aspect of life ought to be every bit as awesome as is the rest of my life.

I welcome ideas.

A TDL Reader

  • Good morning. I don’t know if this will work for you, but it has worked for me surrounding things I’m fearful of. Radical honesty with myself, matching my heart to my mind. I’ve recently been listening to Matt Kahn, you can youtube him if you’re interested and here’s one of his great videos http://youtu.be/fFS84Jp1qfc I hope you’re as blown away by him as I am. I used to deny the fear as being real, try to shift in another direction as you stated, use the mind to say things like, “well thanks for the thought, but it simply isn’t the truth”. None of that worked for me. So, now when a fearful thought arises, I look at it and acknowledge it and I send love to me, the one who is feeling fearful because the one who is feeling fearful has never been loved by me. I literally say “I love you” to myself hundreds of times a day and there’s been a major shift in my body. Also, since we are all one in different form, when we say “I love you” to ourselves, it affects everyone else as well. Just as when we say “I love you” to another, it affects us. Also when a fearful thought occurs, I don’t judge it, I say, “well that would suck, but I’d survive it.” All parts of us are God and they all want to be acknowledged and loved. As Matt states in this video, love all of yourself relentlessly!!!
    I wish you lots of love and everything you desire on your journey.
    I love you, Carol

  • Kath222

    The only way out is through. Your fears have temporarily paralyzed you into inaction and you are waiting, suspended, not moving. You are fighting the natural current of life which is growth, movement, exploration, experience and joy.

    I think that is what you are really missing – the joy. The spark and aliveness inherent in meeting and dating someone you are really attracted to – that rush of excitement and anticipation. That nervous excitement in your stomach when you really, really like someone. The first date, the first kiss. So amazing. So much wonderfulness ahead of you. Your longing is informing you of your next steps. Listen to your inner wisdom. Listen to your longing, which is calling you forward. To new and wonderful experiences.

    You need to put yourself in a different mind space. Take it one step at a time. Baby steps to begin. I would suggest you set a task for yourself to start. How about this week seeing three women you find attractive and saying hi to them and smiling. See what happens. Maybe a conversation will start.

    Be easy about it. I think once you accomplish your first task, you can set up a slightly more daring task for the next week. Maybe join a dating site and pick three women and start communication.

    What is the worst that can happen? Someone says no? It doesn’t matter – it only means they were not the right person for you. And you are closer to finding someone who is right. Have fun with this process!

    The last thing I would suggest, if you still can’t force yourself into action, is to further explore what is blocking you. Working with a trusted therapist or a coach would be helpful to uncover what consciously and unconsciously is keeping you stuck.

    I am sending you lots of love and support in this process! I’m sure there is a great woman just waiting for you to appear in her life! You just have to put yourself it the space where you are ready to show up. Love to you!

  • charlarella

    I was thinking about something when I read this….let me preface by saying you do sound like a great guy! Perhaps its a shift in focus that is needed. You mention your fears and the inability to just walk up to a woman and say hi. What about all those flattered women who would be delighted to just be smiled at or talked to who now go without because you wont take a leap of faith and just do it? I get so disappointed each time a man looks like he wants to talk to me but doesn’t out of fear. Regardless of the outcome it is these encounters that make life so wonderful! Do women a favor and just say hi or ask someone for their number. Do it not for you but because you know there are many women who would love for just one guy to make their day! 🙂 Lots of gutsy vibes are being sent to you from me.