Compared to where I was a year ago, I am in such a great place! I love me, I love my life, I am grateful for blessings and challenges, I focus on what I hope for, I say “No, thank you” to offers that don’t suit me and “Yes!” to offers that do, in ALMOST every setting I act with confidence…
ALMOST every setting…
There’s one aspect of my life with which I still struggle. There’s one aspect of my life where I’m FINE until it comes time to take action, at which point fear—irrational unreasoning, gut-clenching fear—paralyzes me. And despite my every effort, despite my every intention, despite my every good and worthy thought, that fear dominates. Dating evokes a fear I don’t feel when facing a director at community theatre auditions or a performance review at work or a shark encounter in the ocean or a cliff hundreds of feet tall inches below my feet.
I see a woman and I make eye contact and I smile, and then my gut knots and my mouth goes dry and my brain switches off and I…I look away.
I’m a good looking guy, a decent guy, an intelligent guy, a sensitive guy, an AWESOME guy, and I know damn well that this problem is MINE. And I forgive myself for having it, I find there’s a lot to love in my rationalizations for it, I’m grateful for the lessons and challenges it offers, I think over the years it’s contributed to the awesome me I am…
I just don’t want to be ruled by it.
I’ve tried so MANY awesome approaches to working through my fear and each of them has given me something valuable, yet none of them have changed the relationship between my fear and my (in)action. Self-talk, shifting my focus, changing my vibe, telling a different story, choosing gratitude…reason and compassion have helped me see the good in my fear without changing the balance of power.
Is it just that it’s difficult to overcome a lifetime of habit? Is it just that I haven’t REALLY shifted my focus/changed my vibe/told a different story/chosen gratitude? Because I’ve done all that I know to do in those regards (and they have benefitted me SO MUCH in the rest of my amazing life).
I keep seeking. I know that the answer is in me, and I know that it might take someone else’s insight to point it out to me. This aspect of life ought to be every bit as awesome as is the rest of my life.
I welcome ideas.
A TDL Reader