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Daily Share: Heartbreak & Friendship!

Hello. I recently went through a hard break up. It still hurts me.

I dated this man who was a family man, has children as well as I have my daughter. We both were single when we met and both were dealing with life matters at the time. When we first started dating I let him know I wanted to see where we go in our relationship, before bringing our children to meet.

Two months we waited. Anyhow, we spent so much time together, did things with our kids, traveled, and 7 months into our relationship he move in with me. I learn to cook better for him, cleaned his stuff, helped him when he was in a jam anything I could do I did. He showed me so much love, he made sure I was ok tuck me into bed, helped me with research projects. Everything seemed so amazing. People would always say we had a glow, they saw a happier me. I was so in love and at peace. Till one day he said he needed space, he needed to leave. It wasn’t me it was him. Next day I find him at my friends house, they were having an affair. He told my friend that I was crazy, needed to loose weight, I wasn’t beautiful, I needed a job. All things I had No idea he felt. And the fact he never said it to me he said it to her. She would call my phone leaving messages laughing how she got my man!

I was broken, so lost so hurt, wondering how blind was I. I decided to go to my best friends. And instead of listening to my tears, fears, broken heart, they were quick to say, “Get over it, he is scum, you’ll have better!” It was almost as if they didn’t care, but they all still hung with him, would tell me how cool he was, how they all went clubbing, with my ex boyfriend and ex friend.

A month has past Christmas went by and I hear about the break up. My ex friend kicks out my ex boyfriend. Said she got the presents she needed and was tired of him already, she wasn’t ready to play wifey.

A few days after New Years I see him, he holds me and kisses me tells me he is a jerk, and stupid. He needs to get his life together, he messed up so bad. I asked him why he cheated he could not answer. I left it alone.

Once again I got to my friends hurting cause I still love this man, I’m hurt that a friend would do this to me, I just wanted to vent. Seems every time I vented my friends all got mad. So I decided to vent to the world but in a spiritual way. Saying that I pray for him, that my heart hurts but I believe in love. I love myself and I love others.

I have come to terms with my ex boyfriend. We decided to be friends. I can’t express my feelings of how much I still love him because he isn’t ready to hear that, I don’t keep asking why he did what he did and said the things he say to people because its not worth the fight. I go to my friends one last time about my feeling towards my ex friend to me took my life, love And happiness from me, and because I expressed this at a party when all my friends were there, they got mad! Told me the next day I need to stop thinking about my ex and my ex friend. Get over it move on. This hurts me so much. I can’t talk to anyone about this. I go to a therapist to talk, but there is no feedback, I have no family. Just my daughter and I. I take care of my child 24/7. Stay home single mother. And all my friend say is “forget your ex, get over him, he don’t want you, it’s about you and your child. You’ll find a better man, you changed!” I don’t know what my friends want me to do. When I started dating him, my friends said I changed cause I wasn’t around anymore, now that I’m so hurt lost and alone my friends say I have changed because I love a man that cheated.

What hurts me I’m not allowed to love a man that yes hurt me, but they can hang out and be friends with this man that hurt me.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m only 29! I have no one to turn to. I have no real place to vent. I can’t trust anyone. I am so lost. I don’t know who to be, how to be, cause everything I do I’m wrong! I’m hiding in my house at this point. Can’t sleep, barely can eat. Don’t feel beautiful anymore.

Is there any advice at all you could give to me? Am I wrong to still love this man? Am I wrong to vent to my friends and it’s been 3 months?

Please help me.

Thank You,

A TDL Reader

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  • Ezekiel_phillips

    Let go and let God….

  • Nivia

    As hard as it may be to hear this, a major shift is happening for you. And that’s an AWESOME thing! Give yourself permission RIGHT NOW to feel EVERYTHING, the sadness, the hurt, the rejection, the disappointment, all of it. Continue to pray for yourself and your ex, continue to meditate, continue to talk with your therapist. If that’s not helping, get a new one. Find one you feel comfortable with and stick with it. And here’s another hard thing: separate yourself from your ex and the friends that still continue to hang with him. Learning to surrender to what is and let go while still feeling the yucky stuff that comes along with it is perfectly ok. However, I thinknthatvtrying to have a relationship with your ex is a hindrance to your healing.

  • jodi

    You were betrayed and you have every right to feel the way that you do.Secondly,those are not your friends.

    Perhaps God brought him into your life so that you could recognize this.I know you’re still hurting but do not be afraid to feel the pain in its entirety& cry your eyes out some more if  you have to.

    These may sound very daunting at first and you may be thinking that YOU’RE ALREADY FEELING THE PAIN IN IT’S ENTIRETY BUT THE REALITY IS THAT APART OF YOU IS TOO SCARED TO GO ALL THE WAY.

    You are not alone.Always remember this.The universe is kinder to you than you think it is.This isn’t easy for you-I know.Please stop judging yourself and your circumstances.

    When I’m sad,i try to write to myself,the things that I’m yearning to hear from others.All unmet needs and expectations.

    Try to have a better relationship with yourself.The grieving ‘person inside’ you is longing for you to love them.Please love her some more.

    Love!!

  • Guest

    I feel your pain dear one!!! I’ve gone through a similar situation that began years ago and continued through several relationships of being used and not honored and loved. The pain this last time was so intense that I knew I needed help from a Professional counselor. Being a Christian and. Elieving the power of prayer I chose a Christian counselor that knew about my beliefs and faith. It has made a huge difference. This is so much better than vented to my friends or a counselor that isn’t a believer. I’m learning to get to know the real me and learning to Love myself!!! You are not alone in this!!!! Find a counselor that is a good fit for you!! And if you believe in God then you know that He is the one that loves us with a perfect love and will never desert us!!! Continue to pray for your friend as I have done with mine. You never know what transformation it will make in his life!
    Most of all be kind to yourself and take one day at a time, love yourself and most of all teach your child

  • Claire

    These people are NOT your friends, and that’s hard to realize but it’s much better that you know that upfront so that you can eventually gravitate to BETTER friends who will actually be there for you through difficult times. Here’s the thing, in the past when I’ve been hurt by a man, family and friends would do similar things – they would tell me to get over it, that I was better off without him, and I think sometimes they were saying these things to protect me. They wanted me to do better and this was their way of trying to be nice even though it was hurting me like crazy. When somebody has not been hurt in the way that you and I have, it’s hard for them to understand what it feels like. Just hold tight, focus on YOURSELF, stick to your guns, and then while you’re working on YOUR life, let it all go and trust that the universe will guide you to what is supposed to happen next. All we can do is let go and let God. Trust me, you’ll end up with a good outcome in the long haul – whether it is with or without your ex. Let that be determined on its own, don’t try to pursue this ex. If it’s meant to be and he’s really learned his lesson, the universe will bring him back to you without you have to chase him.

  • Iamjewels2011

    My heart aches for you. My humble suggestion is that you love yourself first. Yes, you were betrayed. Not only by your exboyfrend but by your friends. Would you do these things to any of them? You are deserving of love, you are beautiful. Inside and out. Don’t let others define you. You know who you are. Take good care of yourself. Are these of type of individuals you want your daughter exposed to? What would you tell her if it happened to her?

  • Santosomatic22

    Oh honey, you have every right to feel everything you’re feeling. I’m going through a similar situation. A relationship I thought was perfect. He did and said everything right. Took me on a trip to another country to meet his entire family. Then a month after the trip said he couldn’t do it anymore, that he wasn’t a complete person.

    And just last night I come to find out he’s already seeing someone else. Of course this isn’t on the same level as your situation–no kids and we never lived together, but here’s my humble advice (which I’m also trying to put in practice).

    Focus on yourSELF. Do all those things you’ve always wanted to. Fulfill yourself, give yourself that glow by doing things for the sheer fulfillment of doing them, not because they’re going to give you some kind of dating currency or worth in someone else’s eyes. 

    Secondly, extricate him and all those “friends” (who sound like craptacular human beings) from your life. Anything that will remind you of him. Ask yourself what you would want for your best of friends, and don’t accept anything less for yourself. So many of my friends really liked my ex, but fortunately they’ve all been very supportive in de-friending him on facebook, deleting his #, etc etc etc.

    I hope and pray we both make it through this wiser, more loving people. I wish no one had to feel this pain, but in a way it makes it easier to know that someone else out there really understands how I feel b/c they’re going through the same thing. 

    Peace, love, and blessings your way. Namaste, friend. 

  • WildflowerPastiche

    Hey, Love.

    I’m so sorry to hear what you are going through.  I can’t imagine what it feels like to have been betrayed by your ex boyfriend and your ex friend. I can’t imagine the pain that you feel. However, I am compelled to agree with the other Daily Lovers. I think that if there is the possibility that you are not fully loving and “in love” with yourself just as you are, it may prove to be very damaging to reconnect with your ex.  I’m not doubting or discrediting your love for him.  It’s totally okay to have feelings for him still.  But, girl? You have GOT to love you before you give your heart to someone else. One of my friends constantly has to remind me that love is surrendering. It’s not just hand holding and hugs and kisses and sex. (Or, like in your case, being really good roommates. lol???? Nope. That was a bad joke. Sorry. lol.) It’s being your truest and most vulnerable self with another human being.  It’s giving all of you to someone else.  So if you’re not okay with the woman you are, keeping yourself emotionally attached to this man may make it that much harder for you to grow into someone you love.  
    Also, I agree with the others that it sounds like you need to re-evaluate your friends. Now, I’m not saying write them off totally.  At least not without asking yourself some questions first: Do I feel good about myself around these people? Do they help me to grow and be the best version of myself I can possibly be? Do they give me energy or do they drain my energy? Do they have my best interests at heart? Do they help me meet my spiritual and emotional needs? If you can answer yes to the majority of these questions, hang on and keep loving your friends. But if you hold these friends your talking about to this list and you keep getting “no’s,” you need to start cutting the strings so you can make room for the people who will give you the love you need. For more details on that, I recommend “The Seven Levels of Intimacy” by Matthew Kelly. It’s a FABULOUS book and he’s the one that taught me all the questions I just posed to you. So go get it!
    Finally, and I’ll make this one quick (…ish), get a new therapist. Girl, you are PAYING for that service.  If he/she is not listening and empathizing and giving you insight and HELPING YOU FEEL BETTER, then you gotta find someone that does. Your heart is already broken from investing in relationships that aren’t giving you the emotional “return” you need. Don’t waste your money too! lol. I mean… I’m just saying.

    Ok, that’s all I got. I’m praying you’ll find the lessons in the pain.  Love you!
    -WP

  • Nona

    There is nothing wrong with loving someone who had hurt you. It is actually pretty admirable..
    Love does not need to equal pain or unhealthy attachment however. Set boundaries. Healthy, pertinent , well defined boundaries. He is not a friend. You don’t have to “settle” for anything less than what your heart’s true desire is.. 

    Relationships are not final, they go through different stages. You have no clue what the future with this man holds. You know what they say – God delays are not God denials.
    Let this present stage be one of maintaining  distance and having time for self reflection /not misery; not self – pity; not shame; not anger!!/

    Ask yourself -
     What is it I am learning from this?
     Did I let this man become the only source of my happiness ? 
    If so, what made me look for meaning and joy outside of my perfect self? 
    Is it possible that I was so focused on my intimate relationship that somehow neglected my friends? 
    Are they reacting that way out of hurt too? 
    Was I ever really able to see what his needs were and to meet them with unconditional love/no judgment, no blame, no expectations, no matter what/, and not to try to give more so I can receive back?
    Did he act with intention to hurt me or was that the best available solution to him for whatever was happening in his heart and mind at the time?
    What’s preventing me from trusting others and how do I start to heal and make amends with all the people I care for? 
    Am I making sure that my child feels my love,  support and friendship while I am immersed in my feelings of my emotional soreness?

    Maybe this “break up” was a “wake up”?
    What do I need to change in ME, before holding OTHERS responsible for their imperfections?

    I highly recommend a few wonderful books to be your companions in your time of reconnecting your real self. “The Summons of Love” by Mari Ruti , ” Return to love” by Marianne Williamson; “Welcome to my crisis” by Laura Day. 

    You are allowed to love whoever you want, but not to place expectations of your personal fulfillment and happiness on this person.

    You are only 29! Young, beautiful, full of life and love! Get busy, start working out; sign up for yoga class; go to mind stimulating work shops or take a dance class ; reignite your passion for a hobby, activity or subject you’ve always been fascinated with. Go, do, act, move, read, make new friends!!! This is your time!!!

    Feeling broken is the best time to change and grow! Love gives rise to supreme awareness and personal awakening.

     Remember: You are a Child of Abundant Uni-verse, surrounded by Greatness! 

    Think and feel with gratitude for the gift of Love you’ve been blessed with!:)

    Best to you, 

  • Black Maharishi

    My sister,

    Your story touched me so much! I am so sorry that you have no one to share with. I am so sorry that your friends weren’t there for you the way you needed (and need) them to be. I don’t know exactly what you are going through, but I can hear the hurt and frustration and anger. I can identify with feelings of betrayal and with being pushed away by those you need. All I can say is that YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS. You have a sensitive heart, and that is a beautiful thing. Therefore, I know that YOU are beautiful– even though we’ve never met.

    My greatest hope for you is that you will find love and love will find you (I don’t know what form that love will be in) in whatever form necessary for you to heal.

  • Misslightfootmba

    those are NOT your FRIENDS and he isnt worth the time or the effort anymore! you will find someone better for you, but you have to work on yourself first to attract the right man and the RIGHT FRIENDS to you. if you fail to do your work on yourself, you will attract the same type of people and you have to know that you deserve more!

  • Moonchild628

    Sending love and hugs your way