What I am going through:
I’m 22. And just like everyone else, I have issues. I guess the issues I have are all interlinked and I believe that everyone has choices in life. To be happy, to be sad, etc. But I can’t save myself, and mostly I think I don’t want to. Which is why I think I asked for what I am going through now. To summarize myself now, I have social anxiety, I feel tired and depressed, I feel tired of waiting on everyone and everything, I feel empty. Because of these issues, I have affected my relationship with people, friends, and even family members.
I didn’t realize I have social anxiety until two years ago, when I left home to study abroad. That was when my life came crashing down. I have always been an introvert and shy person, but only vocal with people I trust and am close with. Which is why I only have really few people I call friends. I usually do not have the courage to voice out my opinions and when I do, I tell them I could be wrong and we don’t necessarily have to follow my opinion. When people get curious about me, whether they want to get to know me or be my friend, I usually brush them off quickly and I probably seem rude because everyone has stopped smiling or saying hi to me because they think I don’t want to, and some seem to dislike me even. When some try to get a reaction from me, by probably doing something rude to me, I didn’t have any courage to stand for myself but I told myself to ignore them because from past experiences, ignoring people and things will really make them go away. I guess I am so used to telling myself “it’s ok, life goes on” and ignoring, that I feel like I have made so many mistakes that makes me feel sorry to myself, for myself and I know that if I die right this second, I would probably die with uncountable regrets. Thinking about the people that could have entered my life I have missed, even if they came and left fast, and the things that could have had happened, building a strong connection as a stranger, friend, acquaintance or more, I feel sad and angry with myself.
I admire and envy people who seem to get along so well with everyone easily. People who are so charismatic and confident and sincere at the same time. They seem really happy as well. When I went overseas, I went alone. I literally had no friends. I felt scared and self-conscious. I started cooping myself up in my dorm where I live alone and only went out to nearby groceries stores, school and occasionally the city. Despite being here for two years, I have only taken the public transport less than 10 times because I am afraid to try and I feel self-conscious and overwhelmed being in an enclosed place with people. I feel the same when I take the public transport in where I am from, but I feel less afraid because that country is where I belong and I am familiar with the culture, people and transport system.
I am always waiting for something to happen to me. Something good or something bad. For people to attempt to break down the walls I have built around me, or for them to prove that I was right about them for being how I perceive them to be. I feel tired to getting to know anyone, or even bothering to talk to my friends and family because no one can help me but myself. Despite this thought, I’m still writing here. Probably still waiting for the impossible.
I sometimes wish I could be taken away from this universe instantly, but thinking about it, I don’t. I want to be happy, to cherish people I love, to make people happier, to live life with no regrets. But I’m sick and tired of living. I literally feel like a walking dead. Just going to school and try to get by. With these issues, my life is definitely going to spiral downwards. Bad grades, no career, no money, no home, no love, disappointed family, no friends, becoming sad and pathetic. I’d rather leave.
I am sorry for spreading the negativity but I want to be saved.
A TDL Reader
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