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Daily Share – Help Me From Spiraling Downwards!

First of all, dear Mastin, thank you so much for creating TDL. Despite this being your job, I still really appreciate your efforts, time, and TDL’s existence in this universe.

What I am going through:

I’m 22. And just like everyone else, I have issues. I guess the issues I have are all interlinked and I believe that everyone has choices in life. To be happy, to be sad, etc. But I can’t save myself, and mostly I think I don’t want to. Which is why I think I asked for what I am going through now. To summarize myself now, I have social anxiety, I feel tired and depressed, I feel tired of waiting on everyone and everything, I feel empty. Because of these issues, I have affected my relationship with people, friends, and even family members.

I didn’t realize I have social anxiety until two years ago, when I left home to study abroad. That was when my life came crashing down. I have always been an introvert and shy person, but only vocal with people I trust and am close with. Which is why I only have really few people I call friends. I usually do not have the courage to voice out my opinions and when I do, I tell them I could be wrong and we don’t necessarily have to follow my opinion. When people get curious about me, whether they want to get to know me or be my friend, I usually brush them off quickly and I probably seem rude because everyone has stopped smiling or saying hi to me because they think I don’t want to, and some seem to dislike me even. When some try to get a reaction from me, by probably doing something rude to me, I didn’t have any courage to stand for myself but I told myself to ignore them because from past experiences, ignoring people and things will really make them go away. I guess I am so used to telling myself “it’s ok, life goes on” and ignoring, that I feel like I have made so many mistakes that makes me feel sorry to myself, for myself and I know that if I die right this second, I would probably die with uncountable regrets. Thinking about the people that could have entered my life I have missed, even if they came and left fast, and the things that could have had happened, building a strong connection as a stranger, friend, acquaintance or more, I feel sad and angry with myself.

I admire and envy people who seem to get along so well with everyone easily. People who are so charismatic and confident and sincere at the same time. They seem really happy as well. When I went overseas, I went alone. I literally had no friends. I felt scared and self-conscious. I started cooping myself up in my dorm where I live alone and only went out to nearby groceries stores, school and occasionally the city. Despite being here for two years, I have only taken the public transport less than 10 times because I am afraid to try and I feel self-conscious and overwhelmed being in an enclosed place with people. I feel the same when I take the public transport in where I am from, but I feel less afraid because that country is where I belong and I am familiar with the culture, people and transport system.

I am always waiting for something to happen to me. Something good or something bad. For people to attempt to break down the walls I have built around me, or for them to prove that I was right about them for being how I perceive them to be. I feel tired to getting to know anyone, or even bothering to talk to my friends and family because no one can help me but myself. Despite this thought, I’m still writing here. Probably still waiting for the impossible.

I sometimes wish I could be taken away from this universe instantly, but thinking about it, I don’t. I want to be happy, to cherish people I love, to make people happier, to live life with no regrets. But I’m sick and tired of living. I literally feel like a walking dead. Just going to school and try to get by. With these issues, my life is definitely going to spiral downwards. Bad grades, no career, no money, no home, no love, disappointed family, no friends, becoming sad and pathetic. I’d rather leave.

I am sorry for spreading the negativity but I want to be saved.

A TDL Reader

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This was shared with the author’s permission. We take your privacy seriously and would never publish something without your consent. Share what you’re going through by sending Mastin an email: [email protected].

  • Zenstephanie

    I can totally relate to what you are going thru having social anxiety as well. Know you are loved by people you know and dont. This community sends you love. We support you and commend you for your awareness and helping others open up in the process. I have found thru spiritual practice, mantra’s I say to myself 40 times a day, reminding myself what a strong, powerful person I am in addition to medical intervention that has helped me a great deal. Although I still suffer I am able to cope much better. Focus also on what a special person you are because your heightened sense of everything and everyone. For example I am able to anticipate the needs of my boss before she knows what she needs. This is also a gift if you can see some of the positives this has to offer it might help.

    Peace and love to you.

    • Caramel_sundae_29

      I love your response. I too have dealt with social anxiety. Practicing meditation and spiritual awareness are a great help to me. Glad there are others who can relate. To the sharer, be strong. U are beautiful and have MUCH to live for. Love and light :-)

  • Colleen

    Dear one, you are not alone in feeling overwhelmed, isolated, and disconnected. I relate to what you share and commend you for your courage & honesty. I face similar fears and tend to “build a story” about social occasions before I am there so by the time I arrive – I am uncomfortable and projecting my own wall of self doubt and awkwardness.  I am trying to focus on self acceptance – understanding that it is ok to be introverted, it is ok to prefer the company of a couple close friends than be surrounded by many people with whom you may share little to nothing in common.

    If you are seeking connection – first start with yourself. As I am going through this process myself, I know how challenging it may be to quantify your own goodness. So let me start for you from what little I know of you from your post  – you appear to have a sense of adventure as you chose to live abroad – that takes courage! You are incredibly articulate and well written -and your words are soulful. You appear very very real – which is admirable. You have the ability to be introspective – you appear to have great depth of character.

    Perhaps you are – where you are – so you can write. Perhaps you are where you are – so you might do one thing differently than you have in the past. Perhaps you have just taken that step by reaching out now….
    With love & light & brightest blessings,
    Colleen

  • Susanstanley95

    Hi there sweetie, the good news is you most certainly can save yourself!   It starts with you knowing and feeling  you are always worthy of love-NO MATTER WHAT!   Remember the Universe always has got your back and there are many of us who understand how badly you feel right now. 
    With all due respect and love get yourself out  your doors and look around at life . Go for a little walk.  It sounds as if you have your health, enough money , food, shelter, and obviously you are intelligent and perceptive, and you possess the ability to reflect and be grateful.  Be very grateful for these things you have now.  Practice gratitude. Seek out some medical help for your anxiety-maybe  group therapy too.  Seriously, put your focus on someone else for even a moment.  Reach out and do something for someone.   Say hi.   Nod.  It doesn’t matter how small the effort. It matters that you do it.   Your willing participation in the world matters.  Buy yourself a flower.  Pet a dog.  Be grateful that you can hear (music, laughter,), see (colors, clouds, architecture), feel (wonder,  pain, joy, empathy), think (spiritual growth, learning about the world), taste  (delicious food, sweet, sour, spicy, yummy) smells (fragrant, stinky, comforting). 
    I myself, am grateful for my gifts of reflection and my vocabulary. I’m also grateful for the opportunity to connect with you.  So thank you for asking for our help.  Please literally and physically take a step outside the place you are right now and love  yourself.  Give yourself a hug. Walk outside..one step at a time..keep hugging yourself.
    Love & Light
    Susan

  • RMDauben

    Dear Little One,
    Well written and from the heart. Like the others here, I too can relate to what you are going through, but here is the twist! I’m old enough to be your grandfather, that said, here is what I offer you in the way of Love and Understanding. My entire life has been one of profound pain, hurt and a longing to understand myself. You, through your comments, clearly have that same desire, and the good news is you are young, 22! You also display tremendous courage to share your beliefs and self-concepts. So, I ask you to consider this: What if all that you have written  about yourself was nothing more then a “SELF-CONCEPT” and nothing more then your mind using you to cope with what  “IT” percieves to be reality? What if all that you expressed is your True Nature giving you “Concepts” to awaken you to the real you? I’m not a Psychologist but it appears that you have been “Programed” by outside influences and you have “bought” into them, thus developing a coping mechanism of FEAR and a less than positive Self-Esteem. That’s the way I’ve been most of my life, until I came close to ending my life, not long ago. I had reached the point where nothing mattered, not even my life! Something deep inside me came to the surface, so to speak, and I realized that I am just as worthy and good as anybody, not above or below. I realized that I was loved by “Something” I could not see or even fully understand. But the one thing that really shook me was that I, on the deepest level, wanted to LIVE! Just like you do! It has taken a long time for me to realize, through a great deal of study, that my mind was using me instead of me using the power of my mind to live life in FULL!
    You are a very good writer and you are very powerful, want to know why? At 22 years of age to have the profound insights that you write about tells me that you are being “Called” to express to so many people “AWARENESS”. Just imagine what you could do to help so many people that are struggling with the same issues. Oh, man I wish I would have had your brilliance and insight when I was 22, WOW!
    So, don’t leave, because if you did, so many would still be lost, alone and wanting help. My God you have so much to offer and to write about. So, here I am at 67 years of age and I AM writing two books, “A Fallen Leaf”, my own true story, and the other is: “Are You Living On Purpose Or By Default?”. I made the decision, not long ago, that I had enough pain and suffering and that I HAD THE POWER TO CHANGE MY SELF-CONCEPTS and to use the power of my mind to help and serve others. What you are going through is so painful, sad and depressing, I know Little One, I know! There is a way out and if you read your own comments you will discover that you have the way out in your beautiful Heart. You WANT TO BE HAPPY and HELP Others, and you already have started that by what you have written here.
    YOU inspire me, so go out and help all those kids that need YOU!

    Much LOVE,

    Rich

  • E

    I can relate to what you’re going through. Especially the part about waiting for others to break down your walls. I’ve been there. And I’ll let you know that you can wait but you’ll be waiting quite a bit and it works a lot faster if you’re there too tearing down your walls with them. :)

    You ARE interesting. You ARE worthy. You ARE somebody that is of value. Just know these are the truths of your existence! I’d surround yourself with positive people, get a therapist or counselor who speaks the same language and start a daily meditation/affirmation process. It REALLY works. Also, know that this is just a temporary feeling of not enoughness – it WILL pass. I suggest the book LOVE 101 by  Peter McWilliams.

    Sending you lots of love and positivity whereever you are.

  • nora

     I think you are so much stronger than you think or feel. Even the fact that you wrote this letter and asked for helped means that you are strong, because most people are too afraid to admit that they need help, and it’s a very important first step. You took this step, and I’d like to ask you to keep going because this journey, your life, can be som much more than you experience right now. I know it can be easier said than done, but trust me, we’ ve all had bad periods in our lives, and that’s how we ended up in this amazing community of TDL. You are at the right place.
    Your letter shows that you have a lot of fear, so maybe it sounds hard, but the only way to get rid of fear is to use it, and by that you can turn your life around for the better. Mastin says that our fear is the compass showing us where to go, and it is so true. If you are afraid of making connection with people, do it. Use public transportation if it’s scary for you, because there is no other way to conquer these issues. They will go away with time as you face them. You’ll need a lot of patience and strength, but you can do it. YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!! Tell yourself everytime you think you can’t do something, because you can. I had a time in my life when I felt empty, too. I was 23, and totally lost. I thougth my life has no meaning, only until I realized I’m too young to think like that. I decided to turn my life around and make it better. It was a lot of work, but I did it. I was shy, I had no faith in myself, but now, 3 years later, here I am telling someone else that life is great, happiness is possible, and I hope you listen to me, and us on the Path. Please, come with us, don’t give up on yourself. We’ve never met you, but love you anyway, because you have a beautiful soul. Everything you go through these days is a part of your growht, and it’s important. Change the way you see it, and realize the lessons in it.  Every strong and confident person was weak and shy once. That’s how you learn, that’s how you grow. You’re on a path, walk with patience, walk with faith, walk with us.

    Much love!