I am going through a lot and I don’t know how to channel my anger, hurt, and pain. I have always been in a relationship for the majority of my life and never have I taken time out for myself to invest into myself. The relationships I have been in I have always invested more into the other person than into myself. I have always been the care-giver.
I put school on hold and made sure that the person I was with made it through school. This year has been bitter-sweet for me. I was able to get accepted into a highly ranked Criminal Justice program, when I shouldn’t of been accepted. I realize that this was only God and the Universe.
I am a 23 year old female. I had a close female friend who I considered like a sister to me .The friendship ended because I told her that I was attracted to women. She knew that I was not attracted to her and she is married with children, however she is not fond of that lifestyle. She felt betrayed that I did not tell her earlier when we were establishing our friendship. I was not ready to tell her and I was scared because I knew how she felt about that lifestyle. I wanted my friend to love me as the person I am and not because of my sexual preference. In all my relationships and friendships it seems that I am searching for one thing and that is to be loved for the true me. I ended one relationship and immediately jumped into another. I started dating a woman who was going through a divorce and had been mentally abused. Everyday she would accuse me of cheating on her. I always tried to make her feel loved and show her that I was there for only her. No matter what I did it wasn’t enough. After 3 months I found out that she was very manipulative and expressed qualities that I didn’t like. I liked the fact that she equally spent money on me as I did her and I enjoyed that her family accepted me. I didn’t like how she treated me and that I was paying for what her ex-husband put her through. I finally ended things and out of anger and spite when she spoke with someone that I considered my best friend and told them negative comments. My friend played right into it and hosted her in his house and they talked about me in a negative way. I have always been there for my best friend and it hurt that he would even host this type of negativity.
So Mastin, this past weekend I remained in the house from Friday evening until this morning and asked myself where did I go wrong. I realize now that I loved others before I loved myself. I realize that I invested more into others than I did myself. I have loved and I have lost. Even though I don’t have a drug addiction, I feel that my addiction was chasing the high of feeling loved and being in love. I do feel lonely at times but I have to remember that God and the Universe has a plan for me greater than I can imagine and I have to be selfless in order to receive that plan.
I am not trying to learn how to love and put myself first. This is a constant struggle and I am trying to channel my negative emotions into positive ones. The hardest thing in life for me was learning to forgive. Forgiving myself is the hardest part. Reading the daily love has been an inspiration to me. I am reaching out because I have learned that during the times you feel lonely the most, it is good to reach out and express how you feel.
A TDL Reader
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