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Daily Share – Holding Back My Feelings For The Woman Of My Dreams!

January 16, 2013 by 20 Comments

Unconditional love is what every person desires in this world. The reason I’m writing in is because I’m in a situation where I don’t seem to have a solution.

I’m 30-years-old and I’m in love with my best friend. I met her in college more than a decade ago. Following our college graduations, we drifted apart until we reconnected two years ago. Having the chance to spend time with her again has added an indescribable joy to my life. Even though we live a significant amount of miles apart, we still make an effort to see each other at least once every few months and communicate in some way every single day.

During this time I have developed strong feelings for her. I believe the best relationships blossom out of friendship, and there is no one else I enjoy being around on this earth more than her. She is the most beautiful woman in the world to me and I literally would do anything for her because I love her unconditionally. Like I tell her from time to time, she is the best! There is no other woman I would pick ahead of her on the planet. She means everything to me. I could see myself growing old with her and taking care of her throughout our lives. That is the definition of true love.

She knows I care for her deeply but I haven’t informed her about the depth of my feelings. The truth is that I’m terrified to confront her with “I’m in love with you” talk because I honestly don’t think she loves me the way I love her. She is currently single but not completely single. There is a guy she has visited a couple of times over the past few years who lives 2,000 miles away and says she is “committed” to even though they are not “officially” together. I’m pretty sure that she is in love with him.

Holding back my feelings and emotions for the woman of my dreams has been extremely difficult. My only options are to A) keep my feelings to myself or B) confess my feelings to her.

She means the world to me and I’m afraid she will end the friendship if I confess my feelings to her.

So the big question is what do I do?

A TDL Reader

  • http://thejourneytolearnacceptance.blogspot.com/ Nina

    Wow, that’s a tough situation! That’s a beautiful message. It fills my heart with joy to read that, minus your predicament. Very romantic.

    Anyways, here is my opinion on the matter. In a nutshell, I think it is important to lay all the cards on the table, and let the pieces fall where they may. You don’t have to be dramatic about it, but you should explain the depths of your feelings for her. There’s many reasons. First of all, you’re not telling her out of fear. Not doing something out of fear always leaves “what ifs”. Not everyone is always forthcoming about their feelings. Just as you are holding back, maybe she is, too. You’ll never know if you don’t say anything. On the other hand, maybe she doesn’t. Well that’s fine, too. Even if she turns you down, and even if she does end the friendship, that would probably all be the best thing for the moment. She would know, and she may let the thoughts marinate insider her head for a while, and maybe one day it would click and she’d come back to you. Even if she doesn’t, the fact that you are so attached to her, and if she didn’t reciprocate the feelings, it would be best for YOU to part ways, so you can try to focus on yourself and find your happiness from within, and allow life to present other opportunities, joy and love to you. While you are fixated on her (especially if she doesn’t feel the same way), you are blocking other joyful things from happening in your life. You’ve got tunnel vision, and you may be missing out on other things.

    That’s my two cents.

    Best of luck to you! Let your intuition guide you, and you’ll always make the right choice.

    Much love,
    Nina
    http://thejourneytolearnacceptance.blogspot.com
    http://www.facebook.com/thejourneytolearnacceptance

  • Elyse

    Speaking as a woman who has been on the receiving end of this exact same situation, I can tell you that I think you should lay it all out there, tell her how you really feel, no holds barred.  The best, most challenging yet rewarding, nurturing and growing relationship of my life blossomed from a 3am phone call from a man who I considered one of my best friends (and whom I also had feelings for but would have never admitted it then).  We are also in a long distance relationship (~3 hrs away from each other) and the relationship started LD, so we have never known anything else (that is to say, don’t let distance hold you back).

    I will tell you, she might be hesitant at first, maybe even a little standoff-ish.  And while I can’t guarantee that she will feel the same way, my guess is she does, or will eventually.  It might take a little while for her to catch up to the depth of your feelings (it did for me), but how can you go through life wondering “what if?”  There is a quote that comes to mind here: “It is a risk to love.  What if it doesn’t work out?  Ah, but what if it does.”  You will never know unless you try.  Go for it.  Tell her how you really feel, and not just a toned down version.  Splay it out there.  Take a risk.  True love IS a risk, and speaking from experience, it’s the best risk I’ve ever taken. 

    Best of luck to you!  Sending you courage and strength to speak your truth to the love of your life.  :)

  • Sylvia

    I think you should definitely tell her - you are holding back out of a fear. Be honest and let the cards fall as they will putting your best and well-intentioned foot forward.

  • http://twitter.com/janinamartin65 Jᴀɴɪɴᴀ Mᴀʀᴛɪɴ

    I have been in your shoes, well actually your friend’s shoes! :-) I was the friend of someone who was brave enough to tell me they loved me. While I didn’t feel the same, I was blown away by the courage required to put it out there. My friend asked for a few weeks of distance to heal and we didn’t talk until my friend felt ready. We are very close now (closer than before!), so I would say that even though your loved one may or may not feel the same as you, it is possible to go on to be great friends in time. You may need to give yourself some space for a bit if she doesn’t return the romantic feelings, but I believe saying something is the right thing to do! All the best~

  • Cari

    I’ve been married to my best friend for more than 23 years and the reason we have been is that one night he took the biggest risk of his life and told me, in no uncertain terms, that he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me!

    We had been friends for about 4 years when this happened and to say I was shocked is an understatement.  But deep down when I heard his words I knew too, that what he was speaking was powerful, and beautiful, and it was also my truth.

    He told me he was so scared to tell me because he knew if I didn’t feel the same way that he could possibly lose his best friend.  You see, he wasn’t sure either if I felt the same way.  How could we ever know until we put it out there?

    I often think of the courage it took him to tell me and how much I respect him for it.  To make that kind of bold declaration to the love of your life — WOW!  I don’t know of many things that are more inspiring then putting your heart and soul out there like that!

    It does take courage.  Think of it this way — whether or not she feels the same as you what will YOU receive as a result of stepping so boldly into your authentic feelings?  There’s no shame in that and I hope, if you do it, you’ll immediately rise to a more power-filled version of yourself because…

    You stepped into your courage and went for it big! 

    I don’t know you but I already adore you for it.  

    Keep us posted, OK? 

  • http://www.facebook.com/Stephan.Gardner Stephan Gardner

    In order to gain her you must be willing to lose her.

    Write a list of 100 drawbacks of not saying anything, to you and to her.
    Write a list of 100 benefits to saying something to her about it, to you and to her.

    Write a list of 100 benefits if she says yes, to you and to her.
    Write a list of 100 benefits if she says no, to you and to her.

    Write a list of 100 drawbacks if she says yes, to you and to her.
    Write a list of 100 benefits of things staying as they are, to you and to her.

    Write a list of 100 ways that you have inside yourself everything you love about her.

    Hit me up on Facebook when you get magic.

  • Michelekaspi

    Do not live in fear. Be true to yourself and tell her how you feel. Even if the result isn’t what you wish for. You will never have regrets if you stay true to yourself.

  • bimini444

    Well. I would say take the chance. I was in a similar situation, however I’m the girl in the equation.  My friend felt those feelings, let me know those feelings all to late,  after marrying someone he’s not in love with. He likes her but is not in love with her and now he feels he’s made the biggest mistake of his life. So now there are two people who are in love with each other but can’t be together, because of fear, hesitation.  But worst than that his wife knows of the feelings and we see each other all three of us almost everyday. His entire family knows.  A really icky situation but could have been avoid if we BOTH stepped up sooner!

    • RCP

      I don’t see the point in remaining married to somebody you’re not in love with – he’s certainly not doing his wife or himself any favors – especially if everyone involved knows.

      • bimini444

        That’s my point. Go after what you want instead of staying in fear.

  • http://beyouliveyourdream.blogspot.com/ Sarah Noel

    Live in love, not fear!  When we act in fear, we almost ALWAYS make a choice we later regret.  I’ve been there and am currently trying to “fix” past fear-based choices. 

    There’s a little saying I say to myself when I’m afraid to act.
    “If I weren’t afraid, what would I do?” 

    THAT is what we should do!  If you weren’t afraid (of losing your friend, of rejection, etc.), what would you do?  Do THAT!  Yes, it’s scary, but you’ll regret NOT doing it more than you would of doing it. 

    I’ve asked out people in the past and pursued relationships that didn’t work out.  I’ve been rejected plenty.  It sucks.  But I’ve never regretted taking the chance.  I’d rather KNOW and have it not turn out like I wanted, than to wonder. 

    Even if your friend says she doesn’t share your feelings, who knows, maybe she will in time.  Maybe you telling her how YOU feel will spark something in her that she didn’t even know was there.  Or maybe not.  But you’ll never know if you don’t speak your heart.  And know this:  If she doesn’t want to take your relationship to the next level, it’s FOR your greatest good.  It really is.  It’s b/c there’s someone out there even better for you, that you likely haven’t met yet. 

    You need to take the step you know you need to take, and then go from there.  Either way is better than living your life in limbo, wondering what if. 

    As long as you live in LOVE and speak YOUR truth, you’ll be fine.  Good luck!  :)  

    Sarah

    P.S.  You might like one of my recent blog posts about living your dream, not just avoiding your nightmare. 
    http://beyouliveyourdream.blogspot.com/2013/01/dont-just-avoid-your-nightmare.html

  • guest

    It is my opinion you should tell this woman you love her.   If it turns out she doesn’t feel the same way it will give you the  opportunity to move on and find a woman who will love you back.  Right now I am going through a similar situation.   The man I am seeing whom I would love to have exclusively has more or less told me he does not want a serious relationship.  so now it is up to me whether to continue seeing him or move on.  It is painful but at least now i know where i stand and know whether or not i want to waste anymore time.  Honesty is best.
    It can also be painful.  I wish you so much luck with this as I know how painful it is to love someone who may not love you back.   You have a lot of support here.  Let us know how it goes.

  • Sharon A

    Affairs of the heart – we have all had them with varying outcomes. WHAT IF she feels the same about you and is to scared to say something as well.

    The way i see it is that you run the risk if being in pain no matter what the outcome. If you say nothing you will live with a broken heart based on what if and I had if told her, and if you do tell her and she doesn’t feel the same way you will have a broken heart.

    However your honesty to yourself and your feelings is the most important thing in you life as this is what guides us and tell us what is real. Honesty to the one person in your life you would do anything for –  I think she deserves that from the friendship that she knows that exists between you both.

    Imagine if you didn’t tell her and she found out when it was too late she would be gutted to know that you loved her so much yet couldn’t be honest with her.

    Fear stand for False Evidence Appearing Real

    Take a deep breath and tell her how you feel I guarantee you will not lose her friendship and if that is all it ends up being you must realise that BFF are the hardest people in the world to find.

    I see a win win situation here, go for it and remember honesty is the best policy

    Good luck
    Sharon

  • gc

    “It only takes 20 seconds of insane courage and I promise you something great will come out of it”
    - Benjamin Mee ( We bought a Zoo)

    Do it!! Go for it! Tell her! How can you know if you don’t tell her?? Maybe she’s hanging on to that other relationship because she doesn’t know how you feel!
    We as girls are complicated! very complicated! and we won’t reach for a guys love unless we see something “extra”… you know what I mean?
    Tell her!!! don’t waste your chance!

    Best of luck!… and if ou get her! LET US KNOW!

    much Love.

  • Hopeful

    With Great Risk is Greater Reward… TELL HER – you will not forgive yourself continuing to live with “What-Ifs”!  I am in a similar situation, as a girl, who has fallen for a 4th year med student, on his way to residency in some unknown area of the country.  This is a turbulent, stressful, and overwhelming time in his life.  I have accepted that selfishness is allowed right now and he is entitled to proceed as if he is the only person in the world that matters (right now).  

    To complicate, we are in different cities.  You can’t help who you fall for and when, RIGHT?  

    I mildly expressed my feelings – without regret…I was not showered with a mushy confession of the same magnitude, but I believe sharing my love did not go to waste.  If he is worth it, its never a waste.  More importantly, I respected myself by sharing my feelings…I could not live in silence and neither should you!

  • Majestic

    Repressing your emotions create dis-eases.

    I told my guy friend and I feel GREAT! I want true friendship, therefore, I must Be that in which I want. We’ve been friends a year, and we’re constantly making modifications.

    Be honest. She probably already knows. I wish you well-being!

    Be Now,
    Majestic

  • femmy

    This is really kinda tricky …I’ve been in both positions.  A friend telling me his feelings for me…and I just totally saw him as a friend and the other way when I told a friend I had feelings for him.    when my friend told me he had feelings for me…I was shocked, and then a bit angry.  It somehow changed things.  I wasn’t as open to spare his feelings etc.  I became conscious of how I behaved in case I led him on etc…although in reality my behaviour was normal.  We stayed friends though as worked through it….I encouraged him to meet other girls heheh and was always completely honest.   

    And when I told a friend I had feelings for him…I was hurt when he said ‘just friends’ but also optimistic…that somehow I’d get him to see he was making a big mistake.  

     Here’s the thing…. wouldn’t you already be heading that way if it could be more than friends?  
    Here’s the other thing…I felt better telling my feelings…it hurt etc the consequences but better than not saying anything…it also meant that I had to look elsewhere because I would be wasting my time on someone that didn’t want same as me.  It’s your choice in the end although be prepared that may or may not cause ripples but at least you will know and can decide what to do from then on.   Good luck.   

  • Gypsytlw

    No regrets, Tell her! xx

  • Starla Rhymes

    If she means the world to you and you are true friends, you can trust her with your “secret” instead of hiding it from her. Let her know you love her just because. And then let her know all the qualities she has that makes you feel like she’s the one for you.  She’ll respect you for recognizing qualities she sees in herself and will admire you for listing qualities she may not see. Be prepared to give her solid examples of those characteristics, so it’s not empty flattery. By doing that, you will have reassured her that she was right in choosing you as a friend, and may see the value in entering a relationship.  Know what qualities you have to offer her–write down a list of those things and keep them in mind when you approach her. This will give you the confidence you need to start the conversation.

  • http://joannemstein.com/ JoAnne Stein

    I was in a similar situation when my boyfriend and I started dating.  We were only seeing each other and it was pretty clear how much we cared for one another but I was TERRIFIED to tell him how much I cared for fear that he wouldn’t reciprocate and I’d lose him.  So I settled for months of torture and fear just so I could spend time with him.  When I finally did tell him and we started our “official” relationship, it was such a weight lifted.  Looking back I can’t believe I acted like that and now I know that even if it’s scary, it’s a risk we have to take because we might just get everything we want.  If the other person doesn’t feel the same, it might hurt for a while, but it’s not worth it to torture ourselves with uncertainty and fear.