Dear Mastin,
I had an epiphany last night. There is no other way to describe it. I signed up for your Love Uni-versity course. I signed up because I felt that there was something “not right” in my relationship with my boyfriend. I wanted to do all I could to figure out what was wrong so I could (a) see what I could do to change it or (b) not do it in future relationships. That was it. I never thought that there was something wrong with me or that I had any issues. Until last night…
I phoned in last night for the class because I know you said it was on relationships. But by the end of the night, I learned so much about myself. Listening to the call, it was interesting to examine past relationships as the learning experiences they are. However, it was the conversation of masculine versus feminine core that stood out to me. At the beginning of the call, I assumed I was masculine. I want my ideas to be valued; I am currently a PhD student. But I also want my feelings to be cherished. That has always been my underlying need. It wasn’t until the Q&A when you talked about masculine versus feminine in terms of sex positions, that I knew I was masculine core, without a doubt. I could not even imagine anyone wanting to be bent over and taking it like that forever.
But then the woman on the call said she would rather receive and that stopped me cold. I did a quadruple take and said Whaaaa?? I definitely knew I did not feel that way. So for an hour or so after the call I asked myself, why? Why am I masculine? I spoke to my boyfriend about it, giving him the sex position example. I found myself saying, “I would hate to be bent over. It’s so degrading.” To which he didn’t respond, but I didn’t press. Again, I asked myself Why? Why is it degrading? Why would being a feminine core be degrading? Then everything finally made sense. And I mean everything!!
It was my father. When I was younger, my father would drink. He would never hurt my mother or me physically, but he would (in his drunken episodes) take my mother to the kitchen and yell at her or as he would say “speak loudly”. I don’t remember what he would say, but I just remember my mom would cry and cry and cry. He did it to my grandmother (mom’s mom) and my aunt (his sister). I remember when I was five I swore I would never ever let anyone speak to me that way. That I would never take that kind of abuse lying down. That I would fight back and defend myself. I think I believed that if I took the role of female, I would go through the same abuse. Like I said, he never spoke to me that way.
But if we go through the questions from the first call, I craved my father’s love growing up. Who did I have to be? I had to be smart, not only book smart, but “people” smart or street smart. He always wanted me to “use common sense”. He described this as seeing the “evil” in others. To see another’s ulterior motives and not to trust everyone’s motives. He would praise this. I have an older half-sister. She is what he would describe as people smart or has common sense. He told me once that she is like him. She sees the “evil” in others. He said I should learn that because I was too naïve.
So I did. I did my best to not trust people and their motives. I became so good, I stopped trusting myself. I don’t trust my ideas or feelings. I don’t trust my boyfriend, not fully at least. I never trusted my father because of his behavior with the female members of my family. Further, I felt like my father contradicted himself, which made and makes me angry. My father tries to give what he can to those less fortunate whether it is the homeless or family members that don’t have a lot. He does so willingly without a question. I ask him why and all he says is that you give to those less fortunate, but he never suspected that he was being taken advantage of. Isn’t that what he taught me to do? To question the motives of others? This inconsistency makes me not trust him on another level.
It wasn’t until last night that everything fell into place. I didn’t even realize I had trust issues. I know now that this is the “something wrong” in my relationship. Furthermore, I’ve realized my pattern in men I’ve dated. None of them are like my father (or maybe they are). They were all relatively weak, passive men who wouldn’t dare raise their voice to me. My current boyfriend started that way too. We have been together for five years now, but in that time he has grown stronger. I suppose that it is triggering an internal defense mechanism to strength, contributing to the “something wrong”. I have equated male strength (which is incredibly sexy) with whatever my father did which was not strength, it was cowardice for whatever he was dealing with. Recently, my mom told me that he is dealing with issues with his mom. I don’t know too many of the details, but I’m sure his behavior towards women had to do with that.
Mastin, after realizing all of this, I cried, for the first time, tears of relief. I always felt like I couldn’t understand myself even though I felt “something wrong”. I know now what I need to work on. I told my boyfriend all of this last night too. And the amazing thing is he listened. He turned down the volume on American Pickers and looked me in the eye and listened. Maybe I never trusted that he could, but last night I had faith that he would. And he did.
I just had to share my story with you because your words have truly helped me see myself in a true light. I have considered talking to a professional and I did once before. However, it felt so cold and I felt judged by the person. I left feeling worse than when I walked in when all I wanted to do was talk to someone. I felt like they were trying to break me down with whatever they could pick up on and then continually pick at old scars. Whether or not this is the way they were supposed to do it, it didn’t feel right to me. But in the two hours that I have heard you speak, I have learned something about myself that I never realized. I am not sure how your mentoring program works, but I think I’d like more details about it.
I have only scratched the surface, I know, but it is farther than I have ever come. So I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Thanks and Love,
A TDL Reader & Love Uni-versity student
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This was shared with the author’s permission. We take your privacy seriously and would never publish something without your consent. Share what you’re going through by sending Mastin an email: WhatImGoingThru@TheDailyLove.com.
