I have one of my soulmates in my life who recently posted on his Wall that he has herpes. He just got so sick of being afraid that someone would find out, that he told everyone and allowed the chips to fall where they would. The world did not open up and swallow him up (at least I don’t think that it did, maybe I should check on that…) and now he can get on with facing his real challenge of forgiving himself and focusing his future glasses on a path that is different than he thought it would be a year ago.
In the Spirit of this brave co-traveler…. here is my version:
My life right now…. (and for a while now has been) is difficult and stuffed to the rafters with dishonesty. There is a fairly famous quote that is being passed around from one inspirational FB page to another about recognizing in yourself that which you see around you. I gotta admit that this belief bugged me a lot…. I am not dishonest and work fairly hard at being genuine and authentic. But last night I hit a new “bottom” and it forced me to really REALLY look at my life and my actions in it. I realized that, perhaps what you see around you that you do not like is what you ALLOW to be around you. It then manifests itself into your life in more personal ways that can no longer be dismissed belonging to someone else.
There is a person I work with who, although he wants to be effective and competent, is not. There are other issues as well, and everyone around sees his shortcomings, but no one will tell him directly. In fact, he is being given a huge promotion while others sit around and wait for him to fail. It makes me want to scream…. but I don’t. I sit and stew silently (OKokok, MY version of silently) and complain about it to others. I have helped two friends get over painful break-ups and then sat alone while they get on with their healing, when each assured me that she was not one of those transient friends. I am very hurt by their blatant dishonestly and their disregard for the feelings of others, mainly me. But I tell each of them that it’s okay, that I am fine. There are smaller ways I have accepted dishonesty into my realm…and every time I do that, the monster gets a little more powerful.
OK…. that kinda shows a bit of the dishonesty of others… Now for me.
I hinted at this one earlier…. My financial life is difficult, but I don’t let on. I walk around in this perpetual state of la-la pretending that it doesn’t suck to be without a car. To have to make foodstamps stretch without being able to get to an actual grocery store. To have to beg rides for some of the simplest things, leaving me wanting to do nothing so that I don’t feel indebted to everyone around me. I was planning on getting a car with tax money. I found out last night that my entire “refund” is being applied to a debt that I was unable to pay because my paycheck as a teachers’ aide is less than $1000 a month. I do somehow manage to feel abundance in my life… I am watched over and taken care of and there have been human angels that have taken up residence in my life in order to watch over me. I am not ungrateful… But I am acknowledging that things are hard.
I have given up actually creating my art, at least for now. I am a potter and clay artist. And I am good. But when I lost my car last summer, I acquiesced being able to get to the studio that was nearly 20 miles away. I meditated and accepted that my talent, skill, desire and passion for it would not go anywhere. That my desire for my own studio was still in tact and in my future. As soon as I did that, a volunteer position presented itself and I am now the talent coordinator for a monthly art event in my city. I am finding and presenting emerging artists to the art-loving community! I love it… but this exercise in honesty requires me to admit that I would like to remind the Uni-verse that, uhm…. me too, ya know?
My heart and soul: Many of my friends know who this woman is… sort of. They have heard me mention her and a few (not many) have heard me say a few things about her. In the same way that I have la-la’d over the money situation, I have done the same thing with my feelings about this woman, but in a much more damaging way. So… here it is:
For all of 2011, this woman was — for all intents and purposes, not that either of us would ever admit it — my girlfriend, my partner, my lover. We were only physically in the same place for 6 days… But she was everything I was looking for at the time. We ‘got’ and excited and intrigued each other. We were ridiculously attracted to each other. We both believed that the other represented a tie to and proof of a bigger spiritual existence. We called each other on our shit. We respected each others’ goals as valid while not losing sight of our own needs and wants I felt connected WITH her… not just to her, but she helped me to feel connected to the Uni-verse. On December 9, she left my day-to-day. I no longer woke up to even the possibility of contact from her. Now her reasons are not without merit. She is in India. She is living in an orphanage, teaching boys to speak and read English. Both time and technological ability to sit in front of an internet connection are sparse at best. I also suspect that there was a letting go of me so that I could do those things that I need to do as well. I have said over and over that the emotions have not gone anywhere… that we are still connected… that I want her to be doing all of these things (I do) and that she wants me doing all of my things (I’m sure she does) … and that it makes sense. That at least I know she exists and is out there. But here is my honesty: I feel more alone now than had I never met her. I know what it feels like to have my soul heard even when it was only whispering… I have been seen and now I am not. I keep trying to find a way to not feel this… I kept telling myself all sorts of spiritual rot, not to make myself feel better, but rather to deny that I felt anything icky at all.
And my biggest lie of all? I am scared to death. I am afraid to express all of this, for fear that the Law of Attraction will give it a permanent spot. And I think that is where I lost my way a bit… that this Law that is supposed to be the most magical gift and insight has become this albatross for me. I am afraid of all of my emotions except for the most positive ones. And I don’t quite know what to do with that.
So, what is the point of all this? Mainly to be honest with myself. But mainly because I want to mark “bottom”. All the other “bottoms” have gone unrecognized by me. I have smiled through my own anguish and laughed at my own heartbreak and then wondered why no one could see either. But weeping in front of my laptop, I am really hoping to cry, “Uncle!” and let the Uni-verse know that I do still hurt, but that I have not given up. That I still trust that all of this has a meaning and is all working towards this vision I have of what I want my life to be. As I put the finishing touches on this, I am forgiving myself for all of it. I am forgiving myself for not trusting myself enough to let go every once in a while. I forgive myself for being so afraid of offending someone that this web of dishonesty has cocooned me away from The Real.
If you are still reading…. thank you from the bottom of my soul… really. Even for those that read a couple of paragraphs and then bailed… I love all of you!
love to you all,
TDL Reader
Tear-stained Seeker
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