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Daily Share – How Do I Do What’s Best For My Children In Divorce?

Hey there. Thanks for reading this and sending me your feedback.

Here is my story: I am in the process of divorce. It is horrible thing but I had no choice but to leave my husband after many years of emotional abuse and domination. I began giving back was what I was getting to my children my parents and friends and hated who I was becoming. I have 2 boys 11 and 8 who are my world since the day they were born. I have raised them with an eye to complete and while developnent to prepare them for the world they will be living in as adults. So I left the house with the children one February night. Feeling guilty for having taken the boys from there father I returned home after a week and we started “nesting” which is when the children stay home and we were coming and going. After trying mediation which didn’t work for me we went to collaborative divorce which also works towards mediating our disagreements to come to an agreement. I also left that situation feeling like I was giving up and he was gaining whether it was about the parenting plan or about money. We did agree to sell our house to free up money. I moved to a rental house which is very expensive but I was in a time crunch. I hired a litagating attorney because we were clearly on a path to court since we couldn’t agree or co-parent. We went to court for Temporary Orders which I thought would help us start a structure but $10,000 later my lawyer was terrible and also trujng to reach agreement in the middle the order says my kids need to spend MORE time with their dad which does not work for them and he needs to pay me only childsupport guidelines with no expenses. He makes 3x what make in salary and has a consulting business he can lean on when he needs cash. None of that was considered by the court. The energy shifted upon getting these orders because he felt like he won! He stopped being angry for a bit and i felt free even though the orders suck for me and my kids. I liked the energy shift. Of course it has not lasted.

We have been very lucky that my children have gone to a private Waldorf School their whole lives. I started working there 4.5 years ago which I love and am happy to say it pays most if the tuition. In that way I am totally contributing to the financial pool. The judge however is not asking him to pay anything towards school.

There were other crazy orders too which absolve him from supporting the children being with me their primary caretaker and supporting the life they were used to. But temporary orders are that. We can go back to court and change things. I am about to fire my lawyer. The dilemma I am struggling with is this: do I hire a “shark” attorney and spend another $10,000 (the rest of my saving) to move things in a more confrontational direction to be heard and on behalf of my kids or do I keep trying to communicate with my husband and settle before trial? As I write this I worry about my children being dragged through this. I want them to see my fighting for what is best for them. They do see their father fighting for what he wants for himself but it is clearly not about what is best for the children. If I go the shark route I am not sure if I will feel relieved to have someone fighting for me since I am not a fighter or will I feel scared and fearful for what this will bring out in my husband. I am a lover not a fighter so my heart is breaking.

Do I give up? Again? Or do I hire an attorney who can meet my husband where he is and have real negotiations? Am I up for it? These are my questions. I would LOVE your feedback. I love The Daily Love!

A TDL Reader

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  • Eva

    Think of how you’ll feel five years down the line. Will you look back and regret not fighting for what you wanted for your kids? Sure, you can go back to court later, but it’s harder. Don’t let your husband push you around any longer. Fight for what’s right. Since you are kind-hearted and not able to do it on your own against your husband, you shouldn’t feel bad hiring a professional who will look out for you and your children. I was in a similar situation to yours. I tried to work it out with him but it was going down the path of him taking advantage of my kindness and wanting more and more. I finally got a lawyer. I do regret giving up a little too much. Don’t do the same!

  • Liz

    Make sure you find peace in whatever resolution comes through; ultimately, you want to bring that into your life so that you can continue the best provider to your children; your children will love you and respect you for it once they come to an age which they can reason and see that you chose the right path for them; they will see; in a way you are the blessed one.  Stay connected to your Higher Source and know that you are loved and protected, so proud you had the courage to walk away. 

  • eatmydessertfirst

    Bless you for wanting to do what;s best for your children. But let’s be clear here: what is best for your children is to see their parents working together to resolve this in a way that expresses your love for them and seeing their parents work together on their behalf to make sure they are provided for.  I have a few things to point out that I think will, in the long run, be helpful in resolving this situation in a way that is best for everyone involved. 

    First, remember that we all see things differently based on our own experiences. Your husband is looking at this through his eyes of experience and so are you and clearly you two see it very differently.  I have no doubt that you are fighting for what you think is best but it sounds like your husband too is fighting for what he thinks is best for his children. But the key word here is “FIGHTING” and wisdom teaches us that what we fight against we make stronger. What kind of energy are you injecting into the situation? Is it energy that is of love or is it energy that is of anger hurt or fear. If it’s the latter then you can count on dragging this thing out and not resolving it in a peaceful way which is not in the best interest of your boys. 

     Sometimes when we are hurting we look at things through the eyes of that pain and emotion and project what we are feeling onto the situation. I have no doubt that you think you are doing what’s right but I encourage you to step back and look at this entire situation without the emotion and the guilt. It sounds to me like you and your husband both love your boys very much but that each of you is letting your anger towards each other get in the way of a peaceful resolution that will work for the highest good of all of you. You mentioned that you felt like you were giving up and he was gaining. Ask yourself whats more important: making sure he doesn’t gain or resolving this in a way that your sons can see you operating in love to resolve this situation peacefully.You stated: “The dilemma I am struggling with is this: do I hire a “shark” attorney and spend another $10,000 (the rest of my saving) to move things in a more confrontational direction to be heard and on behalf of my kids or do I keep trying to communicate with my husband and settle before trial?”  How would you spending another $10,000 on a ” “shark” attorney to ‘MOVE THIS IN A MORE CONFRONTATIONAL direction…’  be in the best interest of your boys? Could you use that money for something else that would benefit your children? 

    You mentioned that mediation didn’ t work for…YOU. What about it that didn’t work for YOU and would what was proposed in mediation have worked for your children. Sometimes we can’t see past what we want or what we think we deserve and we project that onto what we think is best for our kids when all they really want is to see both of their parents without the tension. 

    It’s not divorce that hurts our children the most its the loss of one or the other of their parents. Would it be such a bad thing for your boys to spend more time with their father? If he is not physically abusive to them or hurting them in some way then allow them to spend as much time with their father as they would like. Kids need to know that above all else their parents still love and WANT them. Kids tend to blame themselves for their parents divorce and it’s important that they understand that they are not to blame and that they get to see both of their parents on a regular basis. 

    You said you are a lover not a fighter but everything you mentioned is about fighting. I know that this is painful for you. Seeing the life you created with your spouse end is never easy. I would encourage you to spend some time in prayer and mediation  and ask that God’s highest good be done in this situation. But that will require you looking within to see how you are contributing to the “fight” and then choosing to let go and trust that the universe has your best interest in mind and that the highest good will be done. 

    • Lotus

      I am with you.  I wrote a whole long letter saying the same thing but it did not seem to upload.  I have so much in common with ms Divorce and I have struggled with this stuff for a time and I am very very clear now that what I want is truth, freedom,  everyone to be honoured and for the children to be served instead of used as porns in a story of pain.  I agree.  step outside and see a much much much bigger and more expansive way to be in this.xxx love and support

      • eatmydessertfirst

        Lotus, 

        Please repost your response. I luv what you have said here and would luv to read your response. 

        Like you, I have a similar story about my divorce and from the beginning decided I just wanted peace. I can’t say that my actions always demonstrated that though and thankfully I have a best friend that helped me (not always in a nice way) see how I was contributing to the turmoil. It was such a wonderful (and painful) process of self-examination but today I can say that my children’s best interest is being fulfilled. They see their father whenever they (and he) wants and the universe has provided for us in a way as only it can. 

        I send you luv, peace and many blessings in your situation. Honestly, it sounds like you are already at peace and that you are walking in your truth! I honor you!! 

        Namaste

  • http://www.facebook.com/keri.sepulvedakettle Keri Sepulveda Kettle

    Edited.

  • http://www.facebook.com/keri.sepulvedakettle Keri Sepulveda Kettle

    It takes courage to get divorced.  And it takes even more courage to try and use this time to figure out what you really want your life to be, both for yourself and what you want to model for your children.  It sounds like your heart is telling you that hiring an aggressive attorney is not the way to go and I don’t believe that choosing to mediate is “giving in” – but I’m a divorce attorney/mediator so I acknowledge I might be biased in favor of that process.  I can tell you that from my experience, people have a better result when they are willing to dig in and do the hard work of mediation.  You can always hire an attorney to consult with on the side to make sure you aren’t giving up too much.  I also strongly encourage you to get a great therapist, if you don’t already have one, to help you stay grounded and to model good coping skills for your kids.   Hiring aggressive attorneys usually works out better for their bottom line than it does for their clients.  I wish you strength and courage for the journey.