Daily Share – How Do I Get Through This?

January 29, 2013 by Anonymous TDL Reader 13 Comments

Hello…Me and my ex have been broken up for month now and I wish I could say it is getting better, but honestly I feel the same way as I did the first night of our breakup . Our breakup involves lying, cheating and cutting. Yes I did say cutting and no I’m not the one that did it, he did. I’m the one that is getting the blame for it. Now my family is putting me through help and they don’t want me around him. And his family is blaming me for what he’s done to himself. Just because I broke up with him because he lied to me and then I beg for him to take me back into his life, but he told me to go see him the next day, and when I did I told him I didn’t want him to take me back because I couldn’t handle the truth. Then he freaked out and hurt himself and I got the blame for it I’m hurt, I’m broken and I don’t know how I’m ever gonna get through this life

A TDL Reader

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http://www.mickimcwade.com/ Micki McWade

Dear TDL Reader,
You are not responsible for another person’s actions. You are only responsible for your own. I recommend Al-Anon for you (http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html). This program will help you focus on yourself and let go of the unhealthy dependency on other people. If this relationship is not good for you, it’s okay to stop and take care of yourself. You are not to blame for your partner’s cutting or acting out. His reactions are his own responsibility.

Find an Al-Anon meeting and go. Go a few times and try to understand the principles. If you do this, you will find help. This is a very hard time for you but your life will get better if you learn how to handle it. Your life will change for the better.
Mo

Sweetie, it takes courage to end a bad relationship. And it takes courage to overcome someone else’s blame. I was in that situation. The only thing I could do was take responsibility for my actions and my life. And that is the answer.

I totally agree with the previous commentor. And I recommend that you listen to your family’s advice. Stay away from him. Not because you did something wrong, but because he is not showing you love or bringing love out in you. We need love in our lives.

I know that feeling of fear and anger –like you can just explode– when you start to wake up from the relationship. I’ve been there, and I made it out. You can too. I learned to meditate. Just keep bringing myself back to the present when my mind gets overwhelmed. I used beads to pray. To send forgiveness to him and myself. I prayed for protection and grace. And I found true lasting love, love that no person could give me or take away.

I am not perfect. I still go to counseling. I still get angry, but it’s not nearly as intense. And I know myself now in a way that’s unshakeable. I love my life!

Sometimes it feels like the world is falling apart for no reason. But you have to believe that something better is becoming of you and coming for you. If you can buy that, you can also believe that you helped to create this crisis. Something in you needed that relationship to end for the better thing to come along.

Sending you love and light.

Blessings,
Mo
Joyce

You are really hurting right now. I too have been in places of deep grief and despair and there are things that helped me to get through it. I offer them to you… Take what you like and leave the rest.

I found alanon to be a wonderful place of help, comfort and learning. A meeting is a really safe place to be. No one judges or tells you what to do. It is okay to just be who you are and how you are. You can talk or cry or sit silently. Chances are most of the people there have been in a place as painful (or worse) than you are in. They understand. And it is quite likely that after a few meetings you will begin to connect with people and ideas that will help you find your way through this to a lighter, happier place.The other thing that has helped me is this exercise in gratitude. I think it was Muktananda that said, “Gratitude burns away the voice of despair.” Think right now of something you are grateful for. There is always something to be grateful for. Write it down. Make a list. Keep going as long as you can. Tomorrow…start over. Make a list again… all the things you are grateful for. Do it every day for a month and you will find you are getting through this… and reclaiming your self. I find it really helps to do the actual writing every day… it really pushes the reset button in your mind and changes your focus, thus lifting your energy out of the feelings of despair. Try it! You’ll like it!! :-)My thoughts and prayers are with you as you find your way to a new kind of peace and happiness.
- GC
  
  I know that you were writing to a different person on a completely different type of life challenge. But your suggestion to write a gratitude list was awesome. I’m trying to changes some behaviors in my life, and every time I start to slip in action or thought, I pull out my phone – where I keep my gratitude list, and add something new. It is helping me stay away from the negative spiral in action and thought. Thanks for the great idea!
sk

You can’t let the guilt burden you to where it is immobilizing you…I know, easier said than done. I’ve been in a similar situation for the last 2 months, and I still have days where I stare out into space looking for non-existent answers. You should work through the grief to figure out and understand in its entirety YOUR 50% of the relationship. Relationships are 50/50, and no matter what anyone else has to say, it takes two people to make or break it.

When there are no answers in sight that will give you closure or the peace that you feel like you need, find peace in the fact that you understand your own part of the relationship. Find peace in that this will help you grow because it’s only in times of trials and hardships that we really grow. In the moment, when things seem so hopeless, acknowledge the situation, how uncomfortable it is and then give yourself credit, because what you’re going through takes a lot for someone to actually get through it. Remember to love yourself, because no one, other than yourself, is or should be responsible for your well being. Respect and love yourself enough to walk away from anything that is no longer uplifting.
kathleen

All I can say is amen to all the above comments & add my mantra for 2013. “You have to be willing to let go of the life you planned, in order to accept the life that’s waiting for you.” Joseph Campbell As someone who endured an abusive relationship for 23 years before finding the courage to leave, I can tell you healing your broken heart takes time, love & forgiveness. Some days are are a constant struggle others are blissfully peaceful. I have learned to tell my left brain(ego) to shut up & leave me alone by focusing on the wonderful gifts I have been given since I left him. My precious grandkids, my gaurdian angel in a puppy suit & the gift of not being told everyday how worthless I am. What you focus on is what the Universe will give you more of! Sounds like you have a loving family so focus on love & see what happens. One day at a time my dear, if you can’t see that far, one hour at a time.
- Gramechka
  
  Kathleen, I wanted to congratulate you for the courage & strength to leave a long term abusive relationship!!! Our story is quite similar, I too did that & totally agree what Wonderful Gifts, Grandchildren, Pets, & Self Respect are!!!! It is never too late to begin again & have the Joyful Life we ALL deserve!!! Sincerely Rita
  - kathleen
    
    Rita, bless your heart for your kind & supportive words! Yes change is frightening but oh the payoff is so worthwhile. On the lighter side I’m thinking of getting a tattoo, NEW LIFE. Oh the joy of a fresh start! Peace,
    kathleen
- Loris1205
  
  Wonderful words, many blessings to you. congrats on having the courage to leave an abusive relationship. I love that quote and will send you love girl!
Sara

You are not broken, this is only a small blip in you life and you will know it as you mature. There is something better for you just around the corner, if you will only let go. Know you are perfect in God’s eyes and that you did the right thing. Forget about what everyone has to say and live your life. Get out of the swamp…
Debb W.

my husband cheated on me two times. He lied to me about all of it. I wanted to die for 3 years and I thought I’d never, ever get over him or the pain. It’s so different now! I still love him, but know I could never live with the fear of it happening again. You know what it took? Lots of grieving. Lots of thick dreadful feelings. Fear, sadness, tears, dread, nightmares, hopelessness, emptiness and… time. I didn’t want to feel and I didn’t want to wait for those feelings to go the course and ease up. Short of killing myself, which I contemplated often. I had no passion for life and no reason to live. I went through all the “what ifs”, lost my self esteem, self worth and my self. I moved to Hawaii and drank until the cows came home. That didn’t kill me soon enough though, so I faintly pondered that maybe there was some purpose in life for me beyond “Him”. But it took time, lot’s of time. We don’t know our journey through heartbreak, but there certainly is one. Know it’s OK to feel horrid, it’s OK to feel whatever you feel, but know also that it’s not the end of your journey yet. I can almost bet, given time you will be a completely different person on the other side of this, and you don’t even have the imagination to picture who that will be. You will be amazed how much better you will be before all this started to happen. Hang in there. I’m with you in spirit. Debb
Loris1205

I know how you feel love. I at 3 months out of a 5 year relationship.i thought we were going to get married and move forward in our life together however fate would not have it that way. sometimes I feel so sad, like all the joy has been sucked outa the room. but sometimes I feel clarity and like all is well. The ups and down of a lost love can be the hardest to take. the revelation of how dependent I was on him for my happiness is hard as well. remember to take care of yourself and practice self love and look out for the lesson and the miracle of your circumstance.
Mark

Reader, no relationship is worth lying, cheating, or emotional and psychological abuse. You, a child of God, are worthy of much better things, as you are clearly aware. You may benefit from becoming deaf to those accusing you of things you know you did not do, and to look in the mirror while repeating a mantra like “I am a child of God. No one can hurt me unless I allow it. I refuse to allow others to bring me down. I am loved far more than I know.” Try that several times a day for a month at least, and whenever you start to feel down, and see how it’s working.

Bless you for having the courage to get out of that situation! Now keep going in the positive direction you have started, knowing we are all supporting you. You might also look into self-help therapies like tapping to deal with your pain and anguish. It works – I’ve seen it and use it myself. It’s especially effective when performed in front of a mirror, too, because then you are talking to that wonderful person, You. Shower yourself with love of self and see how quickly that pain and anger begin to fade. Meanwhile you have been added to my church’s prayer list for healing.