Daily Share – How Do I Love Children Who Are Abusing Me?

I have been going through a major life shift in the past 4 years and I feel like I’m just holding on by the tip of my fingernails. After my first marriage ended (of which was 17 years married to my high school sweetheart), I was on my own for the very first time in my life and found who I believe is my one true love. The issue is with his ex-wife and children (daughter 10 & son 14). His ex wanted the divorce because she found someone at work she wanted to be with. She wanted my fiancé to move out & encouraged him to move on (date). Until she found out he had moved on. She’s very jealous (I assume) & controlling of the kids. She’s dragged us into court the past 3 years for everything under the sun, to basically have control over our lives.

Needless to say, the kids don’t really respect me that much, and I assume it’s because she’s told them I’m not their mother & they don’t have to listen to me. The kids & I had a great relationship until the past summer when his daughter figured out she could go home to Mom & tell her bad things about me (yelling at her, being bossy — which is normal, right?) to get sympathy & get things she wanted, basically playing her parents against each other. This, along with losing a very dear young family member tragically 2 years ago, overcoming an alcohol addiction, and fearing losing my job (due to budget cuts), has made me a shell of myself.

I do not look forward to the few days a week with the kids because I feel abused & used. My fiancé has an easygoing way about his parenting that includes letting the kids mouth off (because it’s funny), flipping the bird & cursing. He has to tell them multiple times to do something & they blow him off. The problem is they hurt my feelings & I don’t know how to renew my passion for loving them. I feel on guard about voicing my disapproval because of what the kids will go home & tell their mother. I feel lost & trapped. I love my fiancé very much and look forward to marrying him, building our life & eventually (in 8 years) the day the kids will be gone. I try very hard to just love them, but sometimes I can’t see past their arrogance & brattiness. I don’t have kids of my own. Maybe this is how all kids are. I’m just tired of complaining to my fiancé & I know he’s tired of hearing it. He is going to counseling with his ex to work on their co-parenting issues. My fiancé & I don’t really believe in therapy, but he’s doing what he has to do to deal with his ex. Please help me. Any guidance would be appreciated.

A TDL Reader

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Medredith Henry

In my opinion your problem isn’t with the kids, it should be with your partner. He needs to step up and let them know it isn’t ok to be disrespectful to you. Kids also have the almost uncanny ability to sense when people don’t like them. You are giving off vibes that lets them know they are unwanted. Is there any way you and your fiance can have a convo in private where you explain to him that he needs to step up and be the disciplinarian to the children? Then all of you need to sit down as a FAMILY (cause that is what you are) and figure out some baseline rules for your house- together. This might include: respect each other (no name calling, talking back, don’t interrupt when talking to each other), Clean the house as a team (every night each member has an area where they work on…good team building too), and Issues get dealt with directly instead of talking behind the back. These rules aren’t just for the children but the entire family. For it to work adults need to lead by example.

Your fiance needs to get his act in gear if he wants this to work. You said you guys don’t believe in therapy? Why is that? A professional who facilitates an environment based on working out your problems so your relationships can function properly CANNOT be a bad thing. I urge you to rethink that one. It wouldn’t hurt for you and he to go into couples therapy before you get married so you both have clear expectations of what your relationship will look like, and it might not hurt to do a family session with the children in case they are feeling anything that they need help with.

Sorry about the lengthy post. I am passionate about children because I have been an early childhood educator for a while now. If you have any questions about kids I might be able to help, or at least steer you in the right direction. My email is meredith.hamlyn@gmail.com
http://beyouliveyourdream.blogspot.com/ Sarah Noel

Oh boy. First off, I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this. But the problem is not the kids. And NO, all kids AREN’T that way! They behave the way they do because they’re allowed to get away with it (by your fiance) and they’re probably praised for it (by his ex).

That is NOT a good situation, and in my opinion, you need to get out of it. You’ve put yourself in the middle of a family dynamic that you have no business being in. I know, you love your fiance. But he is not treating you with respect. It’s not just his kids that aren’t respecting you – no one is! Not even you, I have to say, b/c you’re allowing yourself to be mistreated and disrespected. I recognize it b/c I’ve been there. Not with kids, but in relationships.

Your fiance should NOT be ok with his kids behaving the way they do and certainly shouldn’t allow them to mistreat or disrespect you. The fact that he lets it happen…. that’s SOOO not good. Not good for the kids, and not good for you. You can do so much better than this!

I don’t know if the your fiance and his ex are really over each other. It sounds like they’re not. Sure they say they’ve “moved on” by being in other relationships, but they haven’t really. How do I know? B/c they’re still WAY into each other’s lives. Especially the woman, from what you describe. She actually reminds me of my boyfriend’s ex-wife. (I’m no longer with my boyfriend and we had MANY discussions/arguments about HER involvement still in his life when we were together.)

Get out, get out now! You don’t deserve to be treated as you are. You deserve to be listened to and respected. You’re not getting either in your current relationship.

I wish you the best! I know it’s tough, but I completely believe you’re better off without this guy! I hope you can see how he’s really treating you and know that you don’t deserve it.

Sarah
http://beyouliveyourdream.blogspot.com/2013/03/youre-not-going-to-please-everyone.html
- Carol Anne
  
  Sarah is so right in this. There’s absolutely nothing but disrespect in this household, with EVERYONE involved. The kids have been taught by both parents how to treat others. Do you really want someone in your life who teaches his kids to behave like this? He’s treating you the same way by ignoring the situation. You DO deserve so much better. One important thing I’ve learned is you can’t change anything outside of you, not how others treat you or react to you. All you can change is you! Start loving and respecting yourself in every way imaginable. Work on changing you and everything and everyone else around you will reflect that. Until you’re able to have a wonderful love affair with yourself, you will keep repeating this lesson of people treating you badly because that’s how you’re treating yourself. Stand up for yourself and see this as the wonderful learning opportunity it is. It’s simply here to show you that self love is THE most important and life changing thing EVER! Leave and don’t look back, if he’s meant to be in your life, it will eventually work out, but he won’t change until you do! If he’s not, thank him for being a teacher and giving you the most valuable lesson. Just consider him a stepping stone to the one you’re really meant to be with .
  
  Love to you!
  
  ♥Carol
  - http://beyouliveyourdream.blogspot.com/ Sarah Noel
    
    Well said, Carol! Some great points you made.
http://www.nourishmeantforyou.com/ Dina Delicce

Mastin has said on this blog that we teach what it is we have to learn. So, allow me to give advice to you that I need to hear and practice just as much!!!! 1) people treat us in the manner in which we allow. So, their mother might be encouraging their behavior and your fiancé might not be disciplining them the way you think he should but you are allowing yourself to be treated that way. Why? Only you know. I can tell you that I abuse my body with food, so it’s easy for me to allow others to abuse me with words. I’m working through it. You should too. Try to figure out why you allow their behavior. 2). The good news is those kids are not your responsibility! You can legally ( and perhaps at this point, ethically) leave. When they are at your house, leave. Go to a movie. Go for a walk. At the very least, go to another room and lock the door! Start by telling yourself and your fiancé that you cannot participate in this drama anymore and that you will simply be excusing yourself. Then, follow through. Don’t make yourself available. 3). Accept that you cannot control anyone but yourself. Your fiancé will make the changes he wants to make when he wants to make them. Until then, you work on making the changes you want to make for yourself!
I’m sending you love and strength.
Liza

The best – and most loving thing you can do for your fiance and his children – is to take care of yourself. That means setting boundaries and limits when necessary and being willing to let go of people places and things that are not working for you. You get to decide what your life experience will be. More importantly than trying to control exactly what happens in your life, determine what you want your life to FEEL like, focus on that feeling and trust the Uni-verse to draw into your life the circumstance that will bring about the experience you want.

My husband and I were on the brink of divorce a couple years ago and this technique really saved me. I became willing to let go of the relationship to honor myself and the experience of peace and love I wanted. Miraculously my relationship began to morph into exactly what it was that I wanted, but only after I let go and made my experience more important than my husband or the relationship.

I hope this helps and I wish you the best of luck navigating your current situation to bring about all you want in your life and relationship.