Daily Share – How Do I Rebuild My Relationship Back From Insecurity?

March 7, 2013 by Anonymous TDL Reader 6 Comments

After my boyfriend of more than a year screamed at my son, I asked him to leave and I broke up with him. He was very aggressive since he lost his job. He can be very rude sometimes and he has a bad temper. Still, I never stopped loving him and he still loves me, that I know. We see each other now and then, and we’re talking about the possibility of eventually getting back together. This separation forced me to move from the house we were renting to a small apartment with my son, in another city, closer to my work. He is now very confused and doesn’t know if he wants to work on getting back with me cause he says I’m too jealous and that turns him off. I’m heartbroken. I want to stop being jealous. I’m very insecure cause he has a lot of women around him. What can I do to get him back for good??

A TDL Reader

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Honey,
I truly think you are both confused.
Why would you want to “get back together” with someone who is aggressive, rude, bad-tempered and verbally abuses your son? How long ago was this? What has he done to improve his anger management skills?Are you jealous just because there are other women around him or does he act in a way that you doubt his loyalty to you? You are in a new city, close to work, meaning you have less commute time/more personal time to work on your insecurity issues, goals for yourself and spending time with your child. I’d start there and let the rest happen. If he is willing to grow along with you, great. Otherwise, move on.
Akalionheart

Stop focusing on him. The one you really want back for good is YOU! A good first step to doing that was when you broke up with him. In doing so, you established boundaries and clearly expressed to him that you would not tolerate certain things in your relationship…you put you and your family FIRST! The second good step was choosing to move closer to your job, again thinking of you and your family FIRST! I know your heart is broken, but rather than wanting to give your love to him or any other man right now, please give that love to yourself. As you give love to yourself will attract the right man who will genuinely love you. Keep in mind we teach others how to love and treat us; we do that when they see the love we give to and the way we treat ourselves. A wonderful side benefit to loving yourself, nurturing your worth and value, showing yourself compassion and kindness is that you will find that insecurity and jealousy will be gone. Insecurity and jealousy is only because you do not understand how valuable you truly are and how worthy you are of your own love! Please, begin to deliberately and purposefully love yourself ~ get yourself back for good!! My prayers and thoughts are for you…
bodhibeth

I agree with the previous reply. Why would you want to be with a rude, aggressive, verbally abusive man? I’m sure he is confused, gee, what a catch he is…really??
Your insecurity is keeping you in an unhealthy, codependent (sorry, but true) idea of Love.
I used to be the most jealous woman you have ever met, truly. I was ridiculous. I instantly disliked every female around my boyfriend and saw them as “competition”.
I was informed by a very wise friend that Trust, is something I have with myself, not anyone else.
Can I trust myself to be okay? Can I trust myself to survive if the relationship ended? Can I still trust myself to live from a place of integrity?
I really appreciate my “wise friends”.
bodhibeth
Sherezada Torres

Dear Confused and In Love,

First i want to touch base on this statement ” He was very aggressive since he lost his job. He can be very rude sometimes and he has a bad temper. “ When you mention he hsa a bad temper, what does this mean? Does this mean he can’t control himself? Does this mean that he can or cannot change? Ask yourself this question.

Second, you mention that he has alot of woman around him. Why does he have a lot of woman around him?

So here it goes, if for a year you randomly saw him, which most likely means you were probably having a physical relationship with him on and off, than you probably didnt give yourself enough distance from this relationship to really analyze the pros & cons. I call this FAUX breakup. You pretend to not be together but still talk on the phone, text and randomly hook up.

Honey, this man is confused because he really donest want to be with you. He’s had plenty of time to figure if he does or doesnt want to be with you and he’s chosen the latter. You’ve made it very easy for him by staying around.

Focus your enegies on your and your cutie pie son. Make more mommy & son time and keep yourself busy with friends that really love you and want to see you progress. You are ready to let this go! So do it and stop dancing around the topic. You are a single mommy which means you are strong-powerful and most importantly teaching your son that LOVE means, respect and LOYALty!!!! Move on… You can do it!
http://beyouliveyourdream.blogspot.com/ Sarah Noel

You don’t! You need to focus on YOU! And your son. I think your move was a GREAT one! Moving to a smaller apartment, close to where you work. That’s great! Hopefully it’s cheap enough that you have money left over to build a savings.

That being said, I can relate to you. I’ve been very jealous and insecure in many (all?) of my romantic relationships. Take my most recent one, for example. My boyfriend was still friends with his ex-wife, to the extent that they texted a few times a week, talked on the phone occasionally, and saw each other somewhat frequently due to having the same core group of friends. This is what I walked into. Immediately I was uncomfortable with it. But I pushed down my feelings b/c I wanted to be with this guy, and I KNEW I didn’t have anything to worry about. I KNEW he wanted to be with me and me only. I knew that… still, it doesn’t help the deep insecurity I have. I’m working on that.
Over the 2 years I was with this boyfriend, little by little I voiced my uncomfortableness regarding his involvement with his ex. And little by little he moved away from her. Once we almost broke up b/c I gave him the ultimatum – cut off ALL communication with her, or I’m done. He did it. He stopped ALL texts, all phone conversations, and we didn’t see her for over a year. It was great! But I knew she was always there. I felt a low tension when we’d go out with his friends, and she wasn’t there, b/c I knew she normally would be… if it weren’t for me and my “demands.”
My boyfriend and I are no longer together. I actually ended it, about 2 months ago. And wouldn’t you know, he told me (b/c I asked) that he’s seen his ex 3 times in the past 2 months and they’ve texted each other too.

See, people will be who they are. It’s just up to you if you want to be with that person AS they are. I had no business asking my boyfriend to end his “friendship” with his ex. If HE wanted to end that relationship, then he would. He did it for me… which only added to the pressure I felt to make our relationship work. I felt, well, he did THAT for me… I should stay with him, even though I was unhappy with other things. I felt almost obligated at that point. No good.

You should be with someone who 1) YOU want to be with and you love, respect, and admire the person THAT THEY ARE, and 2) who wants to be with you, and loves, respects, and admires you for the person that you are.

It doesn’t sound like that’s the case with you and your boyfriend. Let him go. Trust me, you’ll be happier and less anxious and stressed once you do. REALLY let him go. No texting, no talking… let him go. And let yourself be free! Free to BE YOU and follow YOUR heart. It’ll lead you to amazing people and other romantic relationships that will serve you much better!

Peace and love,
Sarah
http://beyouliveyourdream.blogspot.com/2013/03/do-your-actions-match-your-values.html
Lottemarijn

Dear TDL reader
I know what you are going through. My situation is nothing compared with you in the sense that I don’t have a c hild with my current boyfriend. But also my boyfriend has issues with me which is the reason why he has put our relationship on hold, sort of. We are still together but we are looking at it per week.
What I’ve noticed in my life that changing for someone else often not something for long term. Of course his issue with you can inspire you to adress this issue of your own and change this jealousy. But it is not to get him back, because you can never know for sure that if you are not jealous anymore, he will take you back. Not because he is a jerk, but just because everyone has free choice and you cant demand this from others.

The real motivation for changing this is because you want to be happy, right? Because, from what you are writing here its obvious you want to be happy. You can be happy with you. You don’t need him for that. And the jealousy part is probably a good thing to start at, because this came on your path.

I really hope you can see that it’s time to love yourself, so you don’t need anybody else. And of course, from that place, you can look at who you want to share that love with, that you already have

I’m now also trying to love myself first and only sharing that love with others instead of asking or being in need of there love and I already notice I feel I suffer less and I feel more happy because i’m practicing this self love.

Lots of love to you and good luck with everything!
Lotte