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Daily Share – How Do I Stay Motivated?

I have a constant struggle with myself because there is a group of people that I want to be friends with, however at the same time, the effort I have to put mixed with minimal good feedback seems wasteful. I have been friendly with the girls individually but it’s obvious I’m not totally in the group. I sometimes can be at peace with this when I am home but in school it puts me in such a horrible mood and then when I go home it affects my life with my family. I don’t always WANT to put in the effort because it is very tiring and it does not usually do much. It is because I feel I should be talking to them at night and making plans (instead of being at home) that makes me down and depressed.

I am not at peace with myself because I feel like if I give up, I will have no friends, and when I hear about parties and hangouts that I wasn’t invited to I will feel so sad and bad about myself. I feel like I will have a happier experience in school (looking back too) if I keep trying. But I’m tired. How do I stay motivated? I’m tired of feeling bad about myself all the time. I try to tell myself I only have two and a half more years of high school but I have a feeling I will feel this way in other situations in my life. I try to say to myself, “even if they do not see these qualities in you does not mean you do not have them.” I would love more affirmations and not to feel so alone.

A TDL Reader

  • Sofie Karlstrom

    You say that you feel bad about yourself all the time. Let’s start there. Why do you feel bad about yourself all the time? You have no reason to! A couple of years back I was working as a journalist in Nicaragua, Central America, and over there I learned the saying: “Mejor sólo que mal acompañado”, meaning “Better alone than in bad company”. Reading your post it made me think of this. If you have to struggle so hard to be in that circle of friends, I’d say – they are not for you. And the reason for that is that they are not tuned in to YOU. And my question is – are you tuned in to you? My advice for you would be to focus more on yourself right now, spend some quality time with yourself, start asking yourself what you like, what you enjoy and what makes you happy, and do those things by yourself! By getting to know yourself and your values better, you will have another vibration about you, that will attract friends who are at the same level as you! What do you think about this? Good luck! Love, Sofie.

  • Karen Best

    Ifeel for you.  But, you are so young and you have to learn that friends come and go, that it’s important to have friends but more important to be your own best friend.  I had a situation with a very good girlfriend of about 8 years.  I loved her as a friend.  Then…she turned on me for reasons that are too long to go in to. I spent 7 months dwelling on this and being depressed and trying to “fix it” but she would not even give me the time of day.  So I had to let it go.  It still hurts sometimes.  But there are lots of people out there, and after high school many people go their own way and you will make new friends, friends that you will fit in with, and not feel this way.  Stay positive and be open to finding new friends, while still keeping the old.  Be happy, be strong, know that this too will pass.

  • Mamey

     High school is a tough time. I realize you want to fit in and you probably want to please all your friends to fit in to their little group. But it’s a tough lesson to learn that REAL friends don’t make you feel the way you do. Fuel YOURSELF and learn to  love yourself for who you are.

  • Dml1454

    Life is NOT difficult.   It is all in your perspective.  I was given the gift of a brain aneurysm to wake me to the gratitude I feel constantly.  All “events” in life are lessons to be learned or taught.  When feeling negative, just lean back (mentally) and let it all pass by.  The Watcher knows that it is all unreal.   There is no duality.  TATATA. It is what it is! 

  • pinkcookies

    Everything happens for a reason!!! Its usually not about you…

  • Lori1273

    You have articulated your dilema very well and the simple fact that you subscribe to this website, have taken the time to write your story and that you are asking for affirmation tell me that you are a pretty terrific person, who cares and thinks about who you are and what you are doing in this world.  Anyone that does not see you in that way is not looking at you at all.  I believe true friends will mirror the beauty they see in you.  
    So, dear one, find other friends, that are sensitive and insightful. That will enrich your life and mirror the beautiful, deserving and unique individual that you are!

  • lasvegascalling

    High school is hard, no doubt about it I can relate to what you are saying 100%! Many times people are reacting to their own insecurities. Girls at that age aren’t always thoughtful or nice. You have to learn to be your own best friend, your own champion. I guarantee you as you go through life your friendships will grow with you. Your best friends (who you’ll most likely meet in your 20s)  will be standing beside you at your wedding, they’ll call you or fly in when your baby is born and at age 44 (my age now) they’ll call you up and you can laugh and marvel at a friendships that have grown since college. You are a bright, beautiful girl who one day will be a woman. A woman who choses goodness, and friendship and love. That is my wish for you. In the interim, just be kind to everyone and recognize them for what they are, young insecure and sometimes insensitive women. That is not a reflection on you, that’s on them darlin.

  • Erika

    If you’re of age to get a job, try getting one in something that interests you (book store, sports store, etc).  If not, take an extracurricular class in a subject you enjoy.  The friends that you meet there over comment interests will be the friends you keep for a lifetime, not ones that you’re forced to try and be chummy with just because you’re in the same building for 8 hours a day.  Stay friendly/amicable with those girls, but don’t work to make them like you so much that it gets you down!

  • Brettavelin

    We have all been trained to look outward, first at our family and then as we age and ditch them (temporarily), or not, our friends are who we look to for a sense of inclusion, a sense of security, and a sense of who we are.  When we look to friends to tell us who we are (desireable, worthy, attractive, etc.) it puts us in a very tenuous postion where we can be rocked at any time.  There is a voice in us that correspond with our feeling centers that says we need this affirmation, this inclusion.  This means having people call us, invite us to the social gatherings, etc.  The feeling that drives this always feels bad, does it not?  It always feels pressured or uncomfortable.  This is the feeling that is driving you to ‘stay motivated’.  If you really look at your experience in this, is it the ‘happier experience’ that you are hoping for and the reason to stay motivated?
    I do not know you, but as a fellow member of the human race I do know that you have something amazing inside of you, I’ll call it your true heart….and if you listen close to it and ignore those pressured voices that feel stressful and get the most attention it will lead you to a wonderful life, whether you are alone or with other people.  Find others who are listening to who they are or trying to find that and you will be happier with them.  Relationship that takes effort…is it really yielding the results you desire?
    You are on the right track….keep asking questions and reaching out for support…your heart is nearer than you know waiting to light up and inspire you to live fully…as who you are.
    best,
    B

  • Cris

    Oh dear, I hear you. I came to this country eight years ago and it’s been very difficult making true and valuable friendships even though I’m a very outgoing person. I also feel, like I could be the best friend in the world if I was given the chance. But., I think people sometime get used to the idea of hanging out with the same people ALL the time, it’ll be great if they change but that is something beyond our control. So maybe we should do what is at our reach. One of the best ways for me to meet new people has been through work and volunteering. When I started University here, I had NO friends in school for over a year, the classes were over a 100 people, impossible to meet people. So, I applied for jobs inside campus and have since met LOTS of people. I find myself walking through school everyday and waving hellos to people very often. Also, I volunteer in events in my city. I’ve met amazing people doing this. Friendships are a bit like love, I think, you cannot look too hard for it, it’ll come your way as long as you keep doing every day what you like.. running, volunteering, being part of different groups, etc. And maybe there you’ll find your way. Good luck!!!

  • Aditi

    Here are some affirmations I came up with for you. I have felt similar in many ways before, using this affirmations makes me feel more comfortable in my skin and when I am truly myself around other people, they automatically want to hang out with me more because authenticity is vibrant and very attractive whether for friends or lovers. 

    “I attract the perfect friends into my life””I am constantly surrounded by wonderful friends who care about me.””I get along with everyone naturally.”

    “I am loved and accepted by everyone I meet.””Everyone loves my company and wants to be around me.”

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Janet-Miles/100000188011672 Janet Miles

    Hello…I have to just say I myself have been having this problem at work. So, sadly, these problems don’t disappear after high school. I guess the one thing I’ve learned about trying to fit it with people who are only sorta my friends (nice to my face and call me when they want something, but not invested in the friendship) is that they are not the relationships I should be pursuing. When friendship and love isn’t reciprocated, the best you can do is give kindness, but don’t build your world around trying to be friends. I’d be willing to bet, as it was true in my life, that there are people trying to be your friend, but that you are dismissing for various reasons. Don’t discount them, what you see now in them is only a snapshot of who they really are, just as with you. My advice, be-friend anyone who really likes you, give your friendship freely to all, but don’t chase those down that make you feel like you’re trying. You shouldn’t have to try. You should just be you. Guaranteed, someone right now wishes you liked them as much as they like you!

  • Guest

    I think it’s amazing that you are so open and honest about your feelings. That will keep you so healthy and will lead you exactly where you’re supposed to be. The friends will come- what you could maybe focus on is keeping motivated to love yourself and love where you are in life. Focus on the real connections you make with people. Any friendship that you have to try to be accepted in to is not worth it. The friends will come- what is most important is to keep your head up, truly love yourself, and get involved in things that make YOU happy and feel alive. Don’t ever give up on happiness or the promise of good, true friends. You seem to be going to the right places :) Check out Gabrielle Bernstein- she has awesome tools for all of this kind of stuff!

  • Karen

    Fitting in was a lot of work for me too when I was young – now at 50, it is no work at all.  The only difference is that I didn’t like myself much as a teenager.  As an adult, I LOVE myself.
    At this point, I know it’s very hard for you to see how to fit in and whether to even keep trying.  I might suggest that you look outside of this group and see if there is someone you have overlooked that could be the good friend you are looking for.
    Quality wins over quantity every time.
    *hugs*

  • Loretta Shaw

    I stay motivated by truly believing “what is mine” is on the way. The time spent is worth the wait. Take deep breathes. It can come in a minute, next week, a month, a year or many years. Just be ready, so you don’t have to get ready and by all means… enjoy your walk.

  • No1

    I supposed you are a girl struggling to fit in, in highschool. well my advice for you is this, just be yourself. do not try to please people in order to feel like you belong to a group. but now as I think about, I used to be like you when I was in highschool, doing not everything to fit in but doing somethings to fit it. Now as I look back from that experience after all the things I tried to fit my real personality still comes out and I know highschool is tough because you are just still figuring yourself out. As for me, I tried nearly everything to stand out, to blend in but at the end of the day you are just pretending to yourself that this is me, this is who I should be, when instead you should discover yourself! This is a time for experimentation, I tell you, back jn highschool I used to speak in a Jamaican accent, even though I am not a Jamaican citizen. hhehe, the reason why is that, I was just fascinated with the way they talk and i want to try t out, I even fooled one of my friends that I really speak like that. do not be afraid to show who you really are because when you learn to love yourself, your flaws and all that is when the time people will love you back. and those people who you want to be your friends will easily be there, wanting that kind of confindence you have in yourself. email me if you want to keep in touch with your situation.

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/IZX7OAHJPPES74TBV6LZIZJ7VA Cee Bee

    I certainly can relate to what you are experiencing.  At a much older age, I still find the same type of dynamics with groups.  I tried so hard to fit into a group of women who I really didn’t have much in common with except age and where we lived.  I never was accepted because of the lack of commonality.  After almost 9 years, I gave up.  Unfortunately, though, I did it in an unpleasant way when I was again criticized by one of them.  I lost my cool and left the group.  I am so happy I did.  I don’t miss my feeling of lack of self-worth.  I decided I was not the group type and now focus on making friends with individuals who share my interests.  I avoid groups because I’ve seen too many conflicts happen.  Try focusing on individuals, getting to know who they really are, and  share your true identity with them.  Don’t come on too needy as that scares people away.   Also stay honest in your interactions.  Also try to be flexible and know that sometimes in all relationships it’s not a 50-50 give and take.   It varies and sometimes you have to give a lot more than you take..as long as it’s not always that way.  Don’t always try to be in with the popular kids.  They don’t need more friends.  Shy people make great friends and need a bit of a push so you might try that angle.    You’re young so the lessons on making friends will serve you well all through your life.