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Daily Share – I Am In A Toxic Relationship! How Is This Happening?

March 20, 2013 by 9 Comments

TDL_FB iconIt’s hitting me now like a ton of bricks. I have been in complete denial for over two years now and I am finally saying the words that my heart has been telling me and my brain has been rationalizing. I am codependent and in a completely unhealthy, toxic, addicting, and painful relationship. It gets even better…this relationship is with my gay best friend that I’m in love with. We are addicted to each other. We are like drugs to each other. We never get sick of each other. We use each other as emotional crutches. I love him so much it hurts. The thought of not being friends with him and not being near him tears my heart into pieces. There are so many things I love about him, after all, he is my best friend and the happiness I experience with this friendship is beyond words. When we first started this…relationship…he told me he was in love with me. I can’t even to begin to explain the things he’s told me, the intimacy we have together. Since then we have both been in other relationships and cannot function in them and come back to each other. It’s twisted. I’m angry deep down that he told me I have his heart and soul. But I don’t. I’m angry with myself that I know he’s gay and I still have these feelings. And he is no angel. He drinks too much. He lies to me and tells me he goes home when he doesn’t and I choose to believe his lies. When he lies I get so angry it makes me sick to my stomach and I literally want to punch a wall. When I am with him I am relaxed, calm, happy, without a care in the world. I am so strong and I can’t believe I am in this spiral. I’m a spiritual person. I am loyal, generous, kind, funny, and affectionate. I come from a loving, big family. I don’t know how this is happening to me.

A TDL Reader

  • http://beyouliveyourdream.blogspot.com/ Sarah Noel

    You don’t mention if you’re male or female. If you’re male, the obvious question is, maybe you’re gay too, and want to be in a romantic relationship with this guy, but are denying yourself of that. Are you suppressing your true self? If THAT’S the case, then let it go! Give yourself permission to BE YOU and be with who makes you the happiest! Maybe the reason you two keep coming back to each other is b/c you’re meant to be together, but you’ve been preventing it this whole time. ???

    But if you’re female, then that’s a different story. If THAT’S the case, then this sounds like you’re loving someone who’s “safe.” Who you know you can’t fully have, and can’t fully love you the way you want to be loved. THAT is toxic and unhealthy. If that’s what’s going on, then have you considered seeing a good therapist? Talking about this with someone, who can help you move on and be happy with yourself and find the kind of love you really want and need.

    I wish you all the best! Give yourself permission to DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO! Whatever that is. Act in love and whatever that is will be the right thing to do. Trust it.

    Sarah

    http://beyouliveyourdream.blogspot.com/2013/03/sometimes-just-knowing-you-can-is-enough.html

  • V

    You didn’t mention if you are male or female but I am guessing you are female based on some of what you said. Has he admitted he is gay and is open about it or is this something you think you know about him even though he has not admitted it and this is why you struggle with being in love with him and struggle with him saying he is in love with you? If he is openly gay, it is possible he is still having a hard time with that and you help him not have to fully commit to it, and for you like Sarah Noel said in her comment, it seems it is a safe relationship where deep down you know it can only go so far which maybe in a weird way gives you a sense of comfort because you “know” that it won’t last. You deserve so much more and need to know you are worth so much more. I think if you explained a bit more, others can hopefully give you some better feedback, but just know that you can get out of this if you know you need to. YOu have that strength within you even if you don’t feel it. Sending you much love and power.

    V

  • Mo

    Well, honey, if you can see and say all of that, you’ll find your way eventually. Sometimes you won’t find out how it happened until you find your way out. Ultimately it doesn’t matter how it happened if you are satisfied with where you are. You didn’t say you wanted to end it yet. This is a good situation to follow Danielle LaPorte’s advice and decide how you want to feel. The trick is that you have to make sure that you get to feel that way all of the time. So if you want to be strong and calm, you make yourself calm and strong whether he’s there or not. See what shakes out.

  • kathyk

    It’s all about you not him. So be kind to yourself and love the you that’s loving him. we can only change our selves not others. Every time I start thinking its others, its really about me. You are perfect even in your perceived un-perfection. For The pain try tapping (EFT). It works and will clear the mind and body. You are loved from the core of heaven and beyond. Never doubt that. Dark nights make for turning points and new beginnings. We are all being asked to re evaluate our lives whether its money problems, relationship issues, health issues or whatever. Since you are primarily a spiritual being then these obstacles are spiritually based. check out Ho o po no po no- a hawaiian healing modality that is easy to practice and very comforting. You are not alone. There’s nothing wrong with loving others as long as you are loving yourself too. Pray for your friend and heap more love towards yourself. You are growing and that you recognize what’s going within is a great gift. Many people never get to the point you are at. I am sure your spirit will lead you back to happiness. I don’t know you personally but I send you love and I know that you are already on the road to revealing your joy. It’s your birthright. Happy spring!!:)

  • Carolyn

    go to Robert Ohotto http://www.ohotto.com – one of the things he teaches is how to stop being co-dependent, (I feel your pain as I am a recovering co-dependant myself) his book Transforming Fate into Destiny changed my life, saved me really, maybe it can help you

  • karen

    Whether he is gay or straight, an emotionally unavailable man is an emotionally unavailable man and something that pretty much every actively dating woman has experienced at some point.
    He can open up to you because he feels safe with you, he know that no matter what he does or how he treats you, you will be there for him. In this aspect, you mirror many women who are in abusive relationships – gay or straight – it may not be physically abusive but it certainly sounds emotionally abusive.
    If you make yourself responsible for your happiness and don’t look to anyone for that, him or anyone, what are you doing to yourself that is causing your unhappiness? And why? If you are expecting him to wake up one day, not be gay and fall in love with you, then you need to really think about how realistic this scenario is.
    If there is a chance that you will be happy forever with him, in a healthy non-toxic, loving, honest and committed relationship, then great – hang in and be patient.
    If not, then every moment you spend hoping, wishing and waiting is another moment that is stolen from the person who can give everything he cannot.

  • Connie

    My dear confused girl. There is nothing wrong with being in love with your best friend who is also gay. And there is nothing wrong with him loving you and telling you so, even though he’s gay. Love is a much broader concept than a relationship between two persons who have sex. There are many people who have sex and do not love each other. Love does not need sex and sex doesn’t need love. But people need love more than they need sex. Your suffering stems from the judgment of self, your friend and the relationship you share. You expect something he might not be capable of providing if he is in fact gay. Expectations are the root of suffering in any relationship. If you can admit to loving this man regardless of his sexual orientation, and if you can allow him to love you as well without expecting anything other than his love and your love, you can remain happy forever. Aside from that you might want to keep your options open to embrace the opportunity to love another man who is not gay and with whom you can have a romantic relationship that includes sex, as it would be unfair on your part to expect your friend to sacrifice who is was born to be, just so he can fulfill your “expectations”. Think about this. Not about whether he lies to you. Apparently he’s also lying to himself a little bit. Everyone lies, before they can find their own integrity. It is a process, but not an impossible mission. Blessings.

  • Jeanne

    Just getting out of a toxic relationship, my advice, if you want it, is to GET OUT! Remove yourself with love from your best friend remembering he is sick with addiction and obviously having issues with his own sexuality. Read “Codependent No More” and you will find your way. I understand and empathize with your confusion. It has helped me tremendously to remove myself from the situation in order to look at my role in our Toxic relationship. I have felt the anger of being lied too, the complete frustration with addiction, and the love I have for this man. I tried to take my own life as a response to my toxic relationship and MY unhappiness. Then I realized how much he deserves to live the way he chooses too and it was my actions/responses making me crazy. With our without me, I love him enough to Let Go. I know I can only control me and trying to control him just made me crazier. Go to al anon meetings and read. I wish you luck and love. God Bless You!

  • Dave B

    Reading this made me think of Marrianne Williamson’s book A Return to Love. You should consider reading it if you haven’t already. She was in love with a gay man who couldn’t be what she wanted him to be. She talks about how to heal from that. I’m a gay man and had a deep relationship/friendship with a woman that turned toxic. I realized that I had to get out of that relationship, but I also realized it was my own fault for letting the relationship get that way. I didn’t establish boundaries. I think we need to figure out why we’re attracted to this kind of person or this kind of relationship. Then change it.