It’s hitting me now like a ton of bricks. I have been in complete denial for over two years now and I am finally saying the words that my heart has been telling me and my brain has been rationalizing. I am codependent and in a completely unhealthy, toxic, addicting, and painful relationship. It gets even better…this relationship is with my gay best friend that I’m in love with. We are addicted to each other. We are like drugs to each other. We never get sick of each other. We use each other as emotional crutches. I love him so much it hurts. The thought of not being friends with him and not being near him tears my heart into pieces. There are so many things I love about him, after all, he is my best friend and the happiness I experience with this friendship is beyond words. When we first started this…relationship…he told me he was in love with me. I can’t even to begin to explain the things he’s told me, the intimacy we have together. Since then we have both been in other relationships and cannot function in them and come back to each other. It’s twisted. I’m angry deep down that he told me I have his heart and soul. But I don’t. I’m angry with myself that I know he’s gay and I still have these feelings. And he is no angel. He drinks too much. He lies to me and tells me he goes home when he doesn’t and I choose to believe his lies. When he lies I get so angry it makes me sick to my stomach and I literally want to punch a wall. When I am with him I am relaxed, calm, happy, without a care in the world. I am so strong and I can’t believe I am in this spiral. I’m a spiritual person. I am loyal, generous, kind, funny, and affectionate. I come from a loving, big family. I don’t know how this is happening to me.
A TDL Reader