Daily Share – I Don’t Know How Much Longer I Can Live This Way…

March 8, 2013 by Anonymous TDL Reader 13 Comments

I think I just told my story to a “comment” blog and now the person is reading my issues in confusion. Anyway–I’m the babbling boy who had this site exposed to me through my big sister. I just lost my mom to Alzheimer’s and I just lost my job. Yada yada yada—- I feel like I have years of failure and addiction but remain hopeful–but I do not know how much longer I can live this way. OK–I’m just going to get my story out there for my own therapeutic reasons. In outline form: 10 years ago I was taking 50 vicodin ES a day. Rehabs etc. I have now been clean for 8 years and don’t even think of taking that pill anymore. I’m the youngest out of six kids and could be labeled the so called “black sheep” child but still loved and giving love. My family has been there for me as much as I could ever ask and financially bailed me out many times. I had really 2 great jobs in my life, from 7 years in one with a lead to get into the other for another 8 years because a takeover was about to happened. After the last merger or takeover–I have been in and out of work trying to figure out what I want to be when I GROW UP. I have been struggling for years financially-in debt and–oh hell-I’m poor. But hopeful and still feel blessed. In a nut shell-I had a friend say to me once, “If you wanted to kill yourself, I think no one would blame you.” I have a wife and 9-year-old boy who is the best thing in my life. BOTTOM LINE–I still believe in things like this TDL and love and hope and faith. Just don’t know how much longer I can hang.

A TDL Reader

Pin It

http://beyouliveyourdream.blogspot.com/ Sarah Noel

You need to DO something! I mean something that speaks to you. Something that nourishes your spirit. How much longer can you “hang?” If that’s how you feel about your life, then you need to make some changes! (in my opinion) What are you unhappy with in your life? Your lack of a fulfilling job? Your marriage? Is there not something in your life that you feel passionate about? If any of those are true, focus on it. If it’s the job, look for, apply, and follow up on jobs that interest you. No matter what they are. It could be a “mundane” job that others may think is “beneath you,” but if YOU are interested in it, then go for it!
If it’s your marriage, then either get out of it, let her go, be free… or work on it. Talk to your wife about how you’re feeling. Go to therapy maybe. But talk to her! It sounds like you’re not, which is why you’re reaching out on this site. If she’s someone you respect and love, and who respects and loves you, then let her in on how you’re feeling, be honest, and work it out.
If both your job and marriage are ok… find something in your life to do that you’re passionate about. I, for example, volunteer at my local animal shelter every week. It helps me feel like I’m giving back and doing something that’s not for money or recognition.

You mentioned being poor and in debt. Money issues are never just about money (Suze Orman taught me that). When you don’t respect money (aka, debt), it’s a sign that you don’t respect yourself. Take a good, long look at yourself and how you REALLY feel about yourself. Work on cultivating a better, more respectful relationship with YOU! Do things you enjoy. Listen to your feelings. And respect them! Don’t live so much “for other people.” Live for you. Not in a selfish, everyone else be damned sort of way… but you’ve gotta love yourself and be happy with your life, as an individual, before you can truly be happy for or with other people.

I don’t know what’s most troubling you, or if it all is equally. But at least you’re reaching out, on here if no where else. I encourage you to seek guidance from a therapist or trusted friend. Or your wife, depending on your relationship. I also suggest you start writing in a journal, if you don’t already. Just get those feelings and thoughts OUT! I know it’s always helped me, when I’ve felt stressed, worried, unhappy, etc. Also, make sure you’re doing some sort of physical activity to get your blood pumping at least 3-5 days a week. It could be going for a walk around your neighborhood for 30 minutes. But DO something active. That’ll help your mood too, and start a domino effect to more and more contentment in your life.

I wish you the best! As the quote goes, “When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on!”

Sarah
http://beyouliveyourdream.blogspot.com/2013/03/step-into-your-own-awesomeness.html
Reina001

Dear Anonymous, I’ve been there – more than once. These days, I’m listening to the e-conference “Be the change – meditate” where they keep repeating “Change your Self, change the world” – and it’s free. I hope this blog allows for links cause I’m just trying to help you here in whatever way I can: http://www.entheos.com/Be-The-Change/Play. Too bad I didn’t read this before as today is their last day. Whatever – they say life unfolds as it should. Anyways, I don’t know how “bad” your financial situation is but I know that after listening to :
Richard J. Davidson is the William James and Vilas Research Professor of Psychology and Psychiatry, Director of the Waisman Laboratory for Brain Imaging and Behavior and the Laboratory for Affective Neuroscience, Founder and Chair and the Center for Investigating Healthy Minds, Waisman Center at the University of Wisconsin-Madison dedicated to the study of positive qualities, such as kindness and compassion. He is the co-author of The Emotional Life of Your Brain. He is particularly known for studying the physiological and emotional effect of meditation on the brain.

I ordered from Amazon the book:
The Mindful Way through Depression (freeing yourself from chronic unhapiness)
by Mark Williams, John Teasdale, Zindel Segal and Jon Kabat-Zinn

If you can’t afford to buy it, maybe you can order it through you public library?

Also, if you want to listen to somebody that is really inspiring go listen to Congressman, Tim Ryan.

The link “Be-The-Change” above brings you to the names of the speakers and there’s a lot of FREE stuff out there (youtube) etc.

Hope this finds you a little bit better….taking a first step to becoming part of THE CHANGE.

Namaste.

Reina
Melody

The times when you feel like giving up, think about how far you have come. You got over addiction. Like U said, you have a wife and a child who you love and who love you. You are blessed. The friend that told you what they did is not really a friend. You have a lot to live for. YOur wife and son being two big reasons
Eve

you are here to help others thru addiction. You have to hang on to keep helping people ! No one’s life is easy as long as you have air in your lungs don’t take this life for granted.
Tal

I read the title for this post and I just had to come and read, and although I saw you describe yourself as a failure I read your post and thought, this person has sooo many achievements!!

YOU overcame addiction and have been SUCCESSFULLY sober.

YOU are surrounded by LOVE of your family, who has been there for you.

YOU have a wife and 9-year-old boy who clearly mean the world to you from your post.

I wanted to stress YOU because I want to show you how I read this post – I read it as someone who has so much in their life, and who has achieved so much! You have so much to live for, just through these things.

I think your financial situation is clouding how you are telling your life story. You had two great jobs, and you lost them, but don’t give up hope on finding another job. And don’t give up on your life! You have overcome so much, and finding this job is just another small obstacle that you’ll overcome too.

As for your ‘friend’, that is no friend at all. Ditch them asap! Surround yourself with loved ones and people who are there for you to keep your chin up.

All the best to you.
Kate

I’m not sure that I am qualified to offer any advice on how you should live your life- I’m in my early twenties and trying desperately to figure out how to live my own. All I know is that YOU need to live for YOU- other people can tell you what you have accomplished and how strong you have been and the list is endless. And they would all be 100% correct. And I agree- from your story, I can tell that you are strong, you have accomplished so much and you have overcome so much. But YOU need to believe it, from the bottom of your heart, that YOU are strong and YOU are loved and you will ALWAYS be loveable, no matter what you do, say or feel. I am trying to do that, so all I can tell you is that you aren’t alone in your journey.
Although I don’t feel qualified to offer you a bunch of advice, I did want to take the time to say thank you. My younger brother’s life story is very similar to yours- he’s struggled with addiction for the past 5-8 years, our family is always there to help him and love him and I am sure he considers himself to be the “black sheep” as well. I sincerely appreciate your story, because it helped me to gain some perspective from his point of view. As a teenager, I would be angry that his actions made my mom so upset, so when I would do something wrong, she would way overreact because she was already so stressed and burnt out from my brother. As a family member of an addict, there were a lot of things that I struggled with. And lately, he is getting worse- I am noticing that his drinking and using is getting out of control again and he just got a DUI. He’s very depressed, and I know he has contemplated suicide often. So many times, I see him and his condition as ‘my problem’ or ‘my roadblock’. Key words there- my. Your post helped me to see my brother as a person again. A person I love and care deeply about. It helped me to refocus, and realize that I need to be a better sister to him, because over the years I have gotten less caring because I am too busy getting more upset and nervous. I have been feeling so helpless, and because of your courage to share your story, I now know exactly what I need to do.
It seems like (just my interpretation) you feel as if nobody would blame you, or truly care, if you committed suicide. But I can tell you this- because you took the chance to write that post instead of giving up, you gave me a whole new mindset on my brother, and answered so many questions that have been weighing heavily on my heart. With this new mindset, I think I can be a much better resource to my brother, and perhaps that is exactly what he needs to get his life back. So I know you saved me, and perhaps even my brother. I guess what I am trying to say is- you are an important part of this world. I don’t even know you, and you have had such an impact on my life with your courage, honestly, vulnerability and kindness. I know you are having problems with your job, and that society often links how important we are with our jobs and social status, but to me, our real status comes from the type of person we are and if we help others. You clearly value your wife and son and family, and you have helped me and my family tremendously. So in the ways that is counts, you’re about as good as it gets- imperfections and all. But again, I can think as highly of you as I want. What matters is what you think of yourself, and only you can fix that. But, one the plus side, there will always be help, guidance and support when you need it, because there are so many of us on that journey with you.
Liz3313

You have your solution already. You are blessed w/wife and child that are standing by you. Yes life has been tough for you. We all have our burdens to bear. However your in the right place. TDL is there for you too. Life is precious and you have been brought thru addiction and that is no easy task. Don’t you think that you made it because their are Bigger and Better things in store for you? Find your higher power “God is great “. Whatever you believe find your strength to continue your journey. Think of all the lives that are tragically cut short . Your is not one of those, you have been giving a second chance. As for finances. You just have to reach out. To family, friends, your local church? For me I pray that God sees to it that my needs Are being met. That’s all that really matters for me. I may not have extra $ for things I so called “think I need”. But I have peace Hope the best for you hang
Katherine

Wow, I am not really sure what to say, but I will say this your friend, who’s not a friend has said something to you that you need to look at. When people say hurtful things under the disguise of love and sympathy they are with a different agenda. I was told many years ago, people are jealous of many things in another, so even when you are “thinking good lord why is someone jealous of me?” they are or they wouldn’t be mean or hurtful. I think it is time to look at you. You have something that others see in you that is special, a gift a strength in you that others want, but are filled with non loving thoughts so it is out of their reach, until they can understand giving love and being open to receiving is truly the secret to a wonderful life. So please take some time with you, find your smile, find your gifts that you show to others but are not seeing from your side. Addiction is a strange thing, many times people go from one form of addiction to another, make your new addiction, finding and loving you. My God Bless you and I truly wish you a very happy, loving life
Karen

If you are posting here, I can assume you are not just venting but are actually looking for help – buy Marianne Williamson’s book The Law of Divine Compensation and immediately remove the verbage, “I am poor” from your thought process.
Your ‘reality’ is not a reflection of your potential and your potential will be unleashed once you surrender your life and your finances to the power of the Uni-verse. There is no problem too big and abundance is everywhere.
You are very loved.
*hugs*
DivineRealtor

Wow – well, as a sober person I of course will remind you of what a massive accomplishment you already have under your belt.
I like and agree with what Melody and Sarah Noel said.

Having done a few things for work in my life and now succeeding beyond my wildest expectations in something I never thought I would do, but realize that i LOVE, I would advise you to focus very hard on what it is you LOVE and feel PASSIONATELY about. That’s not the end though because sometimes we feel passionate about something but don’t want it bastardized by turning it into work. The trick is to identify the passions and then be real with yourself about what you are good at. I spent a lot of time convincing myself that because I was passionate about something that meant I was also great a it. Not necessarily true.
Be horrifyingly honest with yourself about where your skills TRULY lie and marry that with interest and excitement and you will, without a doubt, make something happen. Be pateni, keep the faith and make a commitment. That is key. If you think the grass is always greener or that you can “always walk away” (the generation X catchphrase) you won’t make it. You gotta take a come hell or high-water attitude.
You can do it. Hang tough man. Very sorry abotu your mother. I have been through that .
SamuraiTwinkie

Hey there, just wanted to say hi and send you my condolences regarding your mom and the loss of your job. I really hope that things start to turn around for you. Not too long ago, one of my friends, who was going through a rough time financially, posted a picture similar to this one. She talked about how she was going through hell at the time (they filed for bankruptcy), but now she’s doing much better and things are looking up. I think that’s the thing about life – it’s always changing. I think the trick to it is (well, for me at least) is to just accept things for what they are. I find that when I try to resist the change, it persists and just makes me feel miserable. I guess I just try to think that things will be ok and that this, too, shall pass. It sounds like you know the drill though… seems that you’ve been through a lot. So, based on all the things you’ve overcome, be proud of all the accomplishments you’ve made in your life. You made it through all of that and have faith that you’ll make it through what you’re going through now! Not sure if these suggestions will help you, but they helped me through rough times: I reach out to trusted friends. They listen to me and we bounce ideas off of each other. It kinda helps me to see a new perspective and gain some insight. Besides, it’s always nice to know that you’re not alone in this and that there are people to support you. I try to write down things that I’m grateful for each day. Journaling is also nice because it helps me to get in touch with my feelings and get things off my chest. I try to think about what I can learn and how I can grow from the situation. Exercising is also great since it releases those feel good endorphins. I’ve just started meditating, but I find this practice immensely helpful. Anyway, sorry for the babbling. I tend to ramble =P But you take care and keep on keepin’ on! Sending you positive energy and light…
Laurenibartels

You say you have a wife and a 9 year old son who are the best ever….so what more could you ask for? Why not try taking all the energy you spend thinking negatively about your life and flip it into positive thoughts for what you DO have? Do you know how many people there are who would envy you? People who DON’T have a partner and who want one desperately? Or people who CAN’T have children and would give anything to have a son like you do? You say you feel hopeful and blessed, but do you really? For every negative thought you have, try to catch yourself when you think that way and instead think TWO positive thoughts about your wife and son. Your happiness can come from within. It sounds like you’ve overcome a lot in the past and you have two people who stood by you the whole way – your wife and son. Hang on for them, and ESPECIALLY for HIM, your son!! Be grateful…many people have far less than you. Don’t gale anything for granted.
Laurenibartels

*Don’t TAKE anything for granted.