I love my family. I am the oldest and only daughter of three and I feel so much love for my two younger brothers. Ever since my parents divorced when I was nine, I wanted to be there for my two brothers unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. Tension arose as I pushed to be a mother figure toward them when I was just a child myself. My parents remarried and I am extremely blessed to say I love my step-parents. I am also extremely blessed to say I sought out the path of finding meaning in my spirituality and have continued to feel attached to it since high school. Now, in graduate school, I have found SO much meaning in my life being vulnerable, living in the now, and leaning in without certainty of a particular outcome.
BUT I have one road block that I feel I can’t cross. It’s not that my family doesn’t support me, it’s that they aren’t ready to go through their stuff yet. I think this is totally fine, in fact I can see myself in them before I decided to find what meant something to me. I think everyone finds their purpose in their own way, in their own time; it’s what I love about life. We are all unique. My problem is that nothing hurts more than not being accepted by my brothers. We used to have the sibling rivalry relationship, and I played my part in that, and I have tirelessly tried to break my role in that for over 5 years now. I try to be a cheerleader and support system to them, but at this time I have seen no growth in our relationship.
I’m being perceived as too positive and it really has hurt me. I feel embarrassed and unseen for who I feel I am. This journey to finding who I want to be has been an amazing one and I know that my road block with my brothers is an important part in that. I just wish it was easier. To all of you out there going through similar problems, I empathize with you.
A TDL Reader