My husband and I have been married for 15 years and have two sons, ages 10 & 7. I know we have a good foundation of love and have many good times, but over the years have also had some rocky times due to the normal pressures & stress caused by money, busy lives, lack of time together, passing of parents, kids, and all of the other usual suspects that affect marriages. As a result, I have found that while I once was a confident, intelligent, attractive, self-assured woman, I’ve become a little insecure, unsure of myself and sometimes think I look for problems that aren’t really even there. How did I get here?
My husband can be quite moody and on occasion has been verbally abusive to me which was always “my fault.” Our sex life has had highs and lows with him openly saying at times he wasn’t into it, didn’t feel like sex, too tired, etc., (he once told me I was too fat to have sex with when I was a size 4) hence my gradually developing insecurity in this space. But then things get good again and I feel slightly crazy, like it’s all in my head. I take myself off to counseling trying to work out why these things happened, assuming most if not all of the blame, and on the pattern goes.
During our low times of intimacy, no matter how much I try and communicate my anxieties to my husband, he usually shuts down, won’t talk about it and I find it’s a hard place to come back from as I will then get resentful …we can go for months without intimacy and lots of other associated problems emerge. Don’t get me wrong, I know I am responsible for my own happiness, not him, and I’m working hard at being that self-assured woman I used to be. At the same time I will do anything to keep my family together and want to make the marriage work.
The latest scenario is that a divorced, single, outgoing attractive lady is going to be working with him in his office, much of the time they will be on their own as it’s a small business. While I’ve never been a jealous type of person, this has got me sick to my stomach. What is going on for me here and how do I alleviate this stress? I fear I’m going to ruin my marriage completely if I let this get out of control but I am fearful. I know on a level this means old thoughts about not being enough are surfacing – how do I get past this? Is this fear or intuition, and how do I tell the difference? I know the way through this is to surrender and grow from it but the ego part of me is screaming…Help!
A TDL Reader