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Daily Share – I Feel Like I’ve Lost The Love Of My Life

TDL_FB-iconA little over a year ago, I suffered from a great heartbreaking loss. My boyfriend who told me he’d never leave my side, that I was the one, that I was “it” told me that he was done. What led up to this was anger at myself that was just ingrained in me from my upbringing and 28 years of living the life that I was living. After he broke up with me, I experienced a great deal of guilt and sadness… that I treated him so poorly, knowing he deserved so much more. I went through intense therapy, read TDL every day, among other therapeutic things that helped me get through my day to day… Then somehow, day by day and very slowly, I transformed into another person that I never knew could even exist. I became a person that loved love, wanted to take risks in love, had patience, forgave, communicated… all things that everyone around me was just shocked to see.

Then… it happened. Someone came into my life, it was like a gift from the Uni-verse, telling me that I’ve grown spiritually and emotionally… enough to where the Uni-verse said “Ok, you’ve learned your lesson… here’s your prize.” My relationship with this man flourished in ways I NEVER knew love could flourish. I loved and cared for him in ways I only thought was possible in the movies… a made up fairy tale. I told him all the time how crazy I was about him, how lucky we are, and I was on top of the world. Then a little over a week ago, he broke up with me. My world fell apart again, and things just spiraled out of control. Over the last week of reflection, I have realized that I was insecure in my relationship with him… because I loved him SO much, that I was honestly, totally and completely terrified of losing him. I had never felt the way I felt for him before and I never wanted to lose it. It made me insecure and I pushed him away… to a point where he said he wasn’t happy for the last month.

I know I deserve someone who will fight for me and the love I have to give. My heart is broken, and I’m trying so hard to move forward, look at this as another experience to grow in the way that I did one year ago. My heart and gut all told me that he was the one… that he was the person put on this earth for me. I don’t know how to cope with this… and I don’t know how to keep moving forward with a happy face on. I don’t know how to deal with the feeling that I’ve lost the love of my life.

A TDL Reader

  • MeredithShay

    I hear the pain that you are going through. It isn’t easy to share that kind of vulnerable feeling either, but it’s a step towards healing the hurt.

    I truly believe in my own life that relationships are just another way of life reinforcing lessons that my soul needs to flourish. That doesn’t make it any easier when I experience pain from someone that I thought I loved, or that I thought loved me in return. Sometimes even after time has passed and I can still feel the raw pain of a relationship gone awry, I HAVE to trust in the faith that there is someone better suited for me for this situation.

    Love is a vulnerable emotion because it requires us to lay every nitty gritty thing about ourselves on a table, and ask someone to accept us for who we are at the core-imperfections and all. Love is super scary because there is NO way to know if the person will love us two seconds later, or even two years down the road. Real and honest love will also make you brave. Bravery requires action even when the outcome is unclear. Bravery doesn’t equate success…but it does equate learning because you are getting out there and experiencing what it takes.

    I am truly sorry that you are in pain right now. Comfort yourself through kind words and empathy towards your hurting. Care for yourself like you would a best friend who is going through a hard situation. I hope you find clarity through this tough situation. Be brave!

    With love,
    Meredith

    • Lee

      I am sharing your same pain now as I go through my recent loss. Somehow we will manage to get through this with so much support out there from people who have survived this terrible emotional upset.

    • Daily Share Submitter

      Meredith…your words are truly inspiring and bravery is a way I never looked at it…thank you.

    • MickAuGrec

      “Bravery requires action even when the outcome is unclear.” So obvious … and SO important. Thanks Meredith, Mick

  • Christina Kang

    It’s painful, so very painful and there is nothing I can say or anyone else for that matter that will alleviate the pain. It’s going to be intense and will take some time to heal. It’s frustrating to hear “time will heal,” because that takes too damn long. And the hurt is amplified by the belief that you’ve lost the love of your life. BUT you see, you haven’t. The love of your life is someone who returns your love, who wants to be with you, and the last element which is very important, is someone who is READY to be with you. Two out of three just doesn’t cut it.

    You’re suffering right now…I know the feeling. Instead of trying to dull the pain, feel it deeply and let it hurt you because if you don’t allow it now, it will eventually surface and prolong your suffering. But allowing yourself to feel the pain is not the same as torturing yourself. Don’t look at his Facebook posts, don’t contact him, don’t try to obtain information about him through friends…it’s too painful and nothing good will result. Eventually you can do all these things, but after you heal.

    Now is the time to work on personal growth. Mastin wrote a great piece on interdependence vs. codependence. Read it. Were you in a healthy, interdependent relationship? Did you perhaps sacrifice too much of yourself to make him happy or your relationship work? You speak about pushing him away…did you feel unworthy of his love, thus spawning the fear of losing him? It’s romantic to say, “I’m unworthy of my lover,” but in a healthy relationship, you should feel worthy of each other.

    So in between the bouts of hysterical crying and pity parties, do things that make you feel alive. See your friends, get shit-canned and dance the night away, try a new activity like rock climbing, join a meet-up group, volunteer, workout, eat nutritious foods…just get out there. The world is exciting! When you walk out that door, you are presented with the opportunity to meet someone amazing…you just never know; it’s beautiful thought.

    • Daily Share Submitter

      Thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement and perspective. I will take this all to heart as I begin to move forward. Thank you again..

      • Bonita

        Dear DSS,
        Whoever you were “before”, its obvious from your words that you are different and full of love. Keep learning to love yourself as the others have suggested, keep preparing yourself for your soul mate, and as I heard Mastin say once “Your soul mate will be where YOU are!” Trust in that.
        Also, figure out what your triggers are and then you will learn not to push people away when your ego tries to “eff” things up for you. Relationships can help you heal those things in yourself that need healing, so you are on your way; however, even in a soul mate relationship, triggers will still happen so just be aware of them and work through it.

    • Bonita

      Christina,
      Your advice is very loving and definitely spot on. Very wise and great advice for anyone going through the same thing.

  • Troy

    I hope you heal soon…any and every loss hurts. But, I read something that I am not sure if any one else commented on yet. It seems as though you had 2 serious relationships within a year or a year and a half. Take time to heal fully after this heartache because maybe it was too soon to enter another relationship that quick. I say this not to be rude or hurt your feelings. Just because I know this has happened to friends. I will pray for you.

  • Eve4199

    Forgive yourself immediately for whatever you think you did wrong. Loss in love is a pain many of us have felt. Be kind and compassionate to yourself right now. Let your friends be there for you and take the time you need to “be” in your pain and your sadness. This will help you–you can deal with it now or later. Now is better. One other reader mentioned the amount of time that had passed between your two relationships. After you have given yourself some time to mourn please take some time to reflect on what you need in a relationship. Are you looking for affirmation? Appreciation? Constant companionship? Then– you need to take time to give what you feel you need, in a relationship, to yourself.

  • Jonathan Holiday

    “Real love demands: That we suffer-That I allow my beloved to break my heart, piece by piece, yet I still carry on, continuing to love with a heart that is ever larger as a result” -M.Scott Peck-, From the Road Less Travelled
    Take a breath, you are lover, which is beautiful. You have loved and been loved by two men, for some this has never happened in there lifetime. Keep loving and love will powerfully enter in your life.
    Much love, Jonathan Holiday

  • The Hack

    I also went thru a breakup that hurt me very much. I was with him 6 months. I found out some things about him which were unacceptable and broke up with him. And I missed him and I suffered and and I was in constant pain and turmoil unitl I hit about 5 months. Then all of a sudden I decided to quit beating myself up and focus on me only. Now….each day I am better. I can even think of my ex and not hurt anymore. It all takes time. And you definitely need to take about a year off after an intense breakup to calm down and become your best self. Good luck!

  • Hazel

    Dear beautiful heart,
    Your tale resonates with my own, and I can share some insights with you, which you can give or take, depending on what resonates with you….
    Firstly; Your focus in life appears (appears) to be solely on ‘relationship’ and others accepting your love, or put more simply; others accepting you. It may be helpful to reflect on this and to also look at other areas in your life which can become neglected in times of romantic upheaval. I recall the heartache I experienced as a place I dwelt and focused on, to the extent that I forgot the ‘love’ within other things, and within myself.
    Secondly; You are growing. Give yourself credit and compassion for getting through not just 1 but 2 heartbreaks. You are learning, even if you don’t realise it consciously.
    Thirdly; You don’t have to move forward with a “happy face”. This is only a limitation your mind has put on you. Feel whatever you feel, and don’t be ashamed, as we ALL feel sadness and we all too often keep these feelings behind a smile, which is unhealthy and untrue. Feel feel away; BUT let them pass, and don’t feed feelings with more thoughts….keep present.
    Fourthly; You follow your heart and gut as best you can. That is a wonderful thing. And perhaps he was the one, for THAT TIME. Perhaps you were meant to feel such strong conviction because he was right at that time. Unfortunate for our mind’s security, our lives and circumstances ‘change’ and it’s uncomfortable. The break up is not a reflection on the value of you.
    Fifth; You have lost a romantic connection. You have not lost love. Reflect on this, and see if the ‘love you had’ is love, and if it is; how can it be lost? Love is not a belonging. It can never leave. It simply IS and appears in all things, as different guises. The story of life changes, but Love is the canvas the pictures change on.

    I do do wish you all the love and healing. You will get through this. Focus on each moment, tending to your self, loving yourself, fixing nice meals, seeing friends, feeling whatever you feel, allowing space and Life’s process to bring you to a more wholesome viewpoint of all this.
    With all my heart and best wishes.
    xx