The last 10 years have been a roller coaster of a journey. I’ve relocated for love, married, started a new business, lawsuits, child, loss of business, illness of parent and now divorce. My ex-husband showed me who he was prior to our marriage.. I chose to see him through the lens of a single girl with a lonely heart, eager to find love at any cost. I overlooked his inability to express love…I thought I had enough for both of us. Then when life put mountains of stress in front of us….he checked out. I was raised to stay positive, don’t complain and endure whatever comes your way. I then found myself raising my son, managing a household and running a business with no support. I also relocated to be with him, so I had no friends locally to help support us. I worked hard and became numb. The only way I endured daily life was to try and convince myself I was being positive and stuff down all my pain. Then the economy sank and our ship went down with it. We lost our business and all our savings. My partner found comfort in the fetal position. One night as I couldn’t sleep because my mind would not shut off, as I stressed about how to pay for speech therapy for my son. I realized I was a married “single” parent. I was doing it all. I couldn’t love my husband into showing up for life anymore. My well was dry and it was time to learn how to replenish the well and learn to love myself.
I now moved my son and me closer to friends and into a supportive community. I have changed careers in order to provide stability for my son. However, I’m starting at the bottom and the pay is not enough to live on. It has been a struggle to rebuild myself. Daily I pray for abundance and Joy… I can feel it coming but I am still at a point I cannot make ends meet. I am learning to trust The Uni-verse and know it is using this to build my faith. I have learned that the loneliness I felt when I met my husband was actually The Uni-verse’s call on my heart. I now seek The Uni-verse for love and acceptance. I have found my voice. I no longer pretend to be positive. I allow myself to feel pain. My family has struggled with the person I have become, as I no longer add to the pile of junk the hides under my family rug.
I’ve been single two years and I’ve only dated myself. I no longer force my love on a man. I also want to set the example to my son that all the love you need resides within your own heart. I have many sleepless nights and now that anxiety is not of The Uni-verse. I’m still learning to live in faith at all times. I have days I feel like the Phoenix rising from the ashes. I have been through the fire, I’m still sifting through the ashes, but I now know what it means to be a child of The Uni-verse.
A TDL Reader