One thing I feel like I have lost a sense of while getting older and going through painful situations is listening to my heart clearly – what it wants, where it thinks I should go next, what feels right. It’s strange that despite my shyness and sensitivity, when I was younger from the outside I probably looked quite incapable, but in a way I actually think that vulnerability was my strongest asset and I didn’t even know it. I was so intuitive and I just listened to how I felt and that is how I made my decisions, so clearly, so simply, so easily. The last two years have been the years in which I have lost that sense the most. I do not get that sense anymore, and I really feel that this is due to overthinking. So focused on making the right move, I am always calculating the risks and benefits to every situation that I am stagnant and unmoving. So intent on being a perfectionist, I never get anything done at all. I don’t want to dwell on the past, I just want to move on, but I feel like the situation has taught me so much. To ask myself more often what feels right, because that is how I work best – with feeling and intuition. Also, to go with the flow of what is around me rather than attempting to calculate fictional risk factors.
I am frustrated! This is because it is easy to lay these thoughts out into paper, but to materialize them is so much harder. I am trying to live by the values that I hold and I am trying to materialize a life that I picture to be appropriate for me, but it is developing very slowly. It is the most patient I have ever had to be. I am having to be patient with people thinking I am not good enough because I have gone into a minimum wage job instead of reaching for the highest possibilities (even though this is a work in progress), I am having to be patient with feeling lonely for months on end because I am not meeting anyone as most of my time is spent on working on myself at the moment, I am having to be patient with individuals questioning my very move, with my parents constantly worrying about me, with spending too much time in my family home. I hope that all of this patience pays off.
A TDL Reader