I’ve been married to my first love since my mid twenties. We had similar backgrounds albeit slightly different upbringings. Where my parents were warm and engaged, his were abusive and unavailable. But we fell in love. He knows me well and I know him. He’s always been a hot head and quick to become angry. I am very calm and passive. Things were often lopsided in fights because of his quick wit and ability to see an opponents weakness. I know though that he’s always adored me. I am everything to him.
Once we had a baby he found parenting difficult and strange to deal with. He had no examples on how on parent. He got really sick shortly after. He spent a lot of time sleeping and at first no one diagnosed that he needed to have his gallbladder removed. Once it was removed he had a hard time. His temper was shorter and he yelled a lot. He was obviously depressed. He blamed me for everything. Nothing was good enough. The way he felt was because I made him that way. While I know I’m not a perfect person, I knew I was not the cause of his chemical imbalance.
After nearly 5 years of back and forth and the emotional abuse and toil we lived with, he sought help and medication. For nearly 2.5 years he’s been in a good place. He tries hard. No one is perfect and he has some learned behaviors he may not be able to grow out of, but he’s better.
To reclaim myself I went back to work when our child was 4. I had to do something. I had lost almost all my 30s to a baby and a depressive husband.
I found a place of work I liked and they loved having me. I felt it helped me grow and I could be the person I had put on hold. I lost weight, I dressed how I wanted and felt more confident and made friends (I had avoided and gave up friends entirely during the tough years).
And then not too long ago I realized someone I worked with had captured a portion of my heart. I know it’s not a love I can just give away though. I can’t tell this person and expect it won’t change our current friendship or I won’t lose this person entirely. I’m struggling with what to do. I love my husband and family. I know that I do love this other person. Just not within the confines of my marriage. I don’t know what to do with my feelings. Is loving this person horrible? Am I horrible for wanting to confide in them I love them and risk losing a friendship?
I’m a logical person and know it doesn’t make sense. I need to let it all go and forget that you can’t take anything from loving someone you can’t realistically ever be with. I know in my heart my place is to be with my husband forever. So as humans it is natural to love. Where does loving someone who isn’t your spouse fit into our lives? Why is telling someone you love them considered taboo?
A TDL Reader