Daily Share – I Love You, But Should We Be Miserable Together?

January 31, 2013 by Anonymous TDL Reader 21 Comments

Since the beginning of our relationship, bombs started to drop … just because, in front of his friends, my friends, his family…mine…at any given time – for the most stupid reason – from questions like,

“Why are you still friends with your ex?”

“Why do you still keep pictures of her?”

“Why is that guy saying hello to you from the other side of the bar?”

“Why was your phone busy when I called? Why was it busy for so long? What were you talking about and with whom?”

This went on to him suddenly appearing at the same coffee shop where I’m at with my girlfriends, because he was “in the neighborhood,” and then making a scene on the street at 3am screaming “you are an a****le”. I was 22 at the time, and he became my first “formal” boyfriend. We got married a couple years later. Three separations after that and three years later I’m about to sign the divorce papers.

After all the fighting, the ups and downs…the struggle, the tears, the pain, the fear, the sadness, the madness… I love him, I love his soul, his eyes, his smell, the 3 minutes of happiness we shared every morning when he would sit by my side in bed and thank me for breakfast and his ironed shirt with a kiss on my front head. But what I love the most is his kindness, and even though I will never understand how a person is full of kindness, the type of person who you know is a goodhearted person but evidently with lots of issues (like we all have) could say I love you, and the day after say “I can’t f*** stand you” ” you are the worst wife ever”…. It took, months and months of therapy to understand that even though I did forgive him every time, something in my heart died with every disrespectful word or act, and time would pass with the same ritual (for both of us, because I got cut up in the mind games too) I would wrap my head around the fact that it was my fault too, so I kind of deserved it? I would think only of the wonderful things about him and what I would miss if I decided to leave him.

It wasn’t until close friends…and parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents would start asking me “Are you ok?” “How’s your marriage going?” And I would say in my head: Not very good actually, we are kind of miserable but at least we are together. But instead I’d respond, “Ohh we are very good thank you for asking” (liar liar liar). I would cry on my way to work, on my way home… sometimes in the shower and sometimes during sex. I would cry while he was asleep, or watching TV and not paying attention (as he never did) I would get upset, sad, tense whenever I heard the alarm of his car, meaning that he just arrived home and was opening the door as he was setting the car alarm, which he did as form as not giving me time to stop doing what I was doing and maybe, just maybe he could catch me doing something (like cheating). Sometimes I would fake being asleep, and sometimes I would just wait until he was snoring to go to bed just to have a full 2hrs more for myself or to simply avoid sex, (which being in the state of mind that I was, and feeling so unhappy and sad…you girls know that it was natural for me to take away any form of sexual interaction, which made things even worse).

So after all that analysis and finally understanding that this was not fair for neither of us, that this was not the life we promised, that we dreamed of… I can’t seem to put a handle on it. I lost view of what was keeping us together and now that I’m not with him I don’t feel any better, I miss him, I wish it could work… but it is so messy that there is no point in going back, and it’s been so hard to accept the fact that sometimes it’s just not meant to be for now….or maybe ever.

What I want to say is, I know this is something that I NEED TO GO THROUGH and even though it is painful, I’m embracing it because it means I was loved, and I loved back… and hurt as well as happiness is part of living this wonderful life, and I thank God for this lesson because it will make me stronger and a better version of myself.

Here’s a quote from Elizabeth Gilbert’s Eat Pray Love that describes my relationship with who will always be the love of my life…

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master…”

So with tears in my eyes and great respect for him I say goodbye to who I now know was my soul mate… (I will forever love you, thank you for all this years… remember, no regrets!)

A TDL Reader

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Lisa

Thank you I needed to hear that….
Lizecker

Thanks for sharing…beautifully written. I went through something similar but ours really got ugly due to children being involved. I tried to make it an easier transition for all involved but I just couldn’t do it by myself. It takes two to tango and it takes two to cooperate for the greater good.

Now, here I am 16 years later and we are friends again. What we should have been and tried for so long ago. Everything goes full circle. Your experience will make you stronger for your next relationship and there are more than one soulmate for each and ever one of us.
http://beyouliveyourdream.blogspot.com/ Sarah Noel

That was a very touching story! I could relate to it in a lot of ways. Right off the bat, “Why are you still friends with your ex?”… I had to laugh. That’s been a major source of contention in my most recent (is it over, is it not…still not sure at this point) relationship. So I read on with rapt interest. I’m sorry you had to go through all the pain and heartache, but at least you get that you NEEDED it. I completely agree. Stuff comes up for us to deal with that we need to learn in order to grow as our best selves. To grow our souls. I know that’s why I was in my relationship I was in, and why he was friends with his ex… for both of us to learn some stuff. And it’s been learned (hopefully).

I also appreciate how you admitted to still loving him and still wishing it could work, despite the disrespect that occurred. Again, I’ve felt the same way. Sometimes I think that he/me/we didn’t know any better…hence the disrespect… but now we DO, now we’ve learned, so we should stick together and give it another shot. But then other times I think that he/me/we needed to experience the disrespect in order to learn, and then MOVE ON. Time to let him go. I’m still struggling a little with the answer to that one. In my situation we lived together, but hadn’t married (we were only together 2 years). And he just moved out about 3 weeks ago. So we’re “separated” but still talk sometimes and still get together once or twice a week. I’m figuring out if I still want to be with him or not, and hopefully he’s doing the same.

It’s tough when there IS good stuff there… but is it enough? Is the relationship just meant as a stepping stone, a learning experience? And then let it go and move on? Or is that person really someone we’re meant to be with and should work to stay together?

It’s funny that you quoted “Eat, Pray, Love.” I’ve read that book before, but picked it up and am reading it again right now myself. I can so relate to the author, Elizabeth Gilbert.

Anyway, best of luck to you! May we all follow our hearts and be true to our spirits!

Sarah
http://beyouliveyourdream.blogspot.com/2013/01/and-were-back-in-game.html
Jmsflame

So sorry for your loss, Mastin. SOme things we may never know. Depression and suicide are some of the darkest topics. I was with a boyfrienf for 4 years and couldn’t get him into the personal growth lifestyle I embrace. I think it stems from early childhood. But I couldn’t sacrifice my own growth and joy. At certain points the isolation was too much like a sunami. The person has to want to grow and expand to fly. I think if they don’t get it here in this life, they will when they are closer to God. You are in my prayers today. Jess
Dsandrew

Take it from an older woman who has been through a lot the struggles life has to offer – if you’re going to be happy, you have to focus on you. That’s exactly what Elizabeth Gilbert did. Be your own soul mate. Love yourself as much as you seem to love him, and life will provide all that you need.
Mo

You have to be the soulmate the you want to have. As hard as it is to accept, you can learn how both of you contributed to the problems.

I used to cry. Then one day I realized that I didn’t need to cry. I wanted to be happy, so I stopped crying. That’s just one example.

I’m just saying, if you still love him and you think he is kind at his core, think about how you might have made things bad and work on that in yourself. Maybe it will inspite him to work on himself. Maybe not. But, you’ll be closer to having the soul that mates for love and instead of being torn down.
tabu

This is beautiful and exactly what I needed to read at this very moment. I just said goodbye to my soulmate 5 minutes ago.
This may sound crazy, but I feel a huge sense of peace and calm coming over me. He peeled back so many layers of me over the years that we’ve been together. Sometimes those peelings cut like a knife,but I can finally say I’m healed and so much stronger today than I was the day I met him. And it’s all because of him showing me the strong person that I had hiding inside of me. How can you not love someone for that?!

We go through seasons in life. When that season of your life is over, it’s time to move on.

I have faith that you will be alright because you know your spiritual master.

Peace and love,
http://www.billnewgent.com/ Bill Newgent

Thanks for being open and connecting with with us TDL Reader.
Lots that could be said about your ex and who he was being in your relationship with him. But lets talk about you. ; )
I think the question you probably asked yourself for a long time was, I love him but why do I stay?
My offering to you is that you hung on to hope that it will get better, I can fix him/this, and deep down he is really great guy in large part to avoid what’s going on with you. In a nutshell, when you stay in an unhealthy situation it’s always because there is payoff for you. You may not fully be aware of that during the time you are in it but that’s it.
In retrospect usually the payoff is something we can say “really I stayed all that time for that”.
This for sure does not make you a bad or defective person. It does mean that you are seeking something you don’t believe you have or are able to provide from within you for you. So you have been looking for answers outside of you. Somehow that lead to you and “ex” getting together or maybe more accurately staying together. We obviously don’t know each other but trust me you are more than enough to be, do, have everything and anything you want in this life. Sometimes this search manifests in a persons life in a drawn out and twisted way. Your relationship seems like it was an example this. Going forward you get to make choices that will produce different results. The choices I am talking about are not choices around what the next boyfriend is like and all the details that come with that. I am talking about the choices that result in who you are being in your life. Those choices will without fail decide who you are being and who you attract into all aspects of your life.
For now be gentle and loving with yourself. Not because you are wounded. Do that because that’s what you are worthy of in all of your life. Be well and stay open to love…even if it’s only from you to you for a while.
Silent Mind

The level of honesty with your own heart while writing this is beautiful. I can relate completely with what you wrote. I have been in love with someone for over 2 years now and in spite of the constant breakups to which I would normally leave, I kept coming back. I never knew how to leave him.” At times” I would think about how wrong it was to feel as though “I don’t like the person I am in love with” due to things he would do or lack there of at times. He always felt like I was asking him to change and all I was trying to do is to connect and be closer to him, to address our shortcomings as a couple. I finally moved to the same city he lived in after 1.5 years of long distance in hope that finally once and for all this would be the solution and it will be all right. It was far away from right, I came to see the love I was first introduced to from him has taken on a different shape, a more distant and detached response which hurt so badly.. My dreams with him were shattered into pieces. Witnessing a love that is fading while I stared it in the face was one of the hardest things I ever went through emotionally. I knew deep inside we were not compatible and that sometimes you fall in love with someone who is simply not right for you or brings out the worst in you and does not compliment you.. I just couldn’t let go/ I LOVED him or felt powerless to him … it got so bad that we would argue constantly and I would end up feeling so hurt as all I was hoping for was that he would fall in love with me the same way he did when we first met. I couldn’t handle that feeling anymore as it felt emotionally abusive.. to wait for a love that is no longer there just because your partner wants to have you around.. I left him for the 3rd time and after 2 months of not speaking to him it hurts deeper than any pain I ever experienced. I am now, as a result experiencing my own deep wounds that were opened up. He wants me in his life but frankly I don’t know if I am capable of doing so because all I want it to have with him is what we used to have and cannot bare anything else with him. I can’t seem to get him out of my head, my heart, and it is blocking me from meeting new people and allowing them into my space, from living my life openly. It is very difficult and I pray that I like you can come to terms with being present and saying goodbye to him in my own heart. I let go physically but have not figured out how to let go in my own heart and mind.

Thank you
Aleia

I have been readi g you for a few months but today is the first time I have felt inspired to join the conversation. It is the jan 31 post that my reflections are about. I first read the entry in THE BOOK OF AWAKENING for the 31st. Which just happened to be about death (love those coninsidences). It said that breathing is the releasing, little deaths with each out breath. The image I got of your friend Nd others I have known who committed suicide is that they are really good at the in breath but don’t know how to exhale which causes them to explode at some point. If we don’t Allow ourselves to experience death on an on going basis it consumes us.
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=9408418 Lesley C Irminger

Congrats on having the strength to let go. I too am letting go of, not sure my soul mate, but a year and a half relationship
Autitania

Thanks for sharing
Autitania

Keep hitting post. Thanks for sharing. Your story mimics mine but has a longer pull. I too was with a man for a year and a half. We got engaged and like you I was able to pull my wool over my eyes and just be in misery cause there were good times. I too did not understand how this guy I loved so much could one minute say “I love you”, send me sweet emails calling me beautiful, kiss me goodbye every morning on the forehead…but then his rage would come out and he’d attack. He’d curse and yell, call me names etc – all because of a fight. I only wanted a partner who would talk to me calmly, grow with me, share life withe me.

Well now that he is moving out, I have very little sadness left. I had it for so long but it took me realizing I am a great person. I am lovable, and I am loved by so many. That to me was my breaking point. Any man who can’t appreciate me doesn’t deserve me. I will be find that one – and you will too!
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000378151783 Jeanne Skeldon

Our relationship should have never happened. I was married. The regret I feel has affected me for 8 years. My youngest daughter became a heroin addict, my ex-husband was lost for so long, and I married my the man from my affair so he could have health insurance coverage. Lots of bad decisions later, I got the privl
Jenna

My dear, reading your words gave me chills. You are such an amazing, strong person. Please know that one day you will look back on your experience and realize this. Think of all that you have already been through. That does not make you weak, it makes you strong because you persevered, you had the strength to keep going even when it felt impossible. The beginning is rough, it will probably be the hardest thing you have ever done, but once you get through the worst days and then the bad days and then the days where you don’t think about it too much, you will start to FEEL amazing. Always know that you have strangers out here who think the world of you, who know you are a good person with an enormous capacity to LOVE, and we LOVE you.
Dee

Thank you for your courage. This is exactly what I needed to read at this very moment
Eelizabeth

Thank
you for sharing you experience. I really needed to read that, as I am currently
in a very similar situation. The jealousies, the paranoia, the never ending
questions and assumptions that I am lying (for no reason- or very spurious reasons,
at best)… and the often too-hurtful words and name-calling that just seem
irreparable at times…. All of that. And the great tender moments. The love, the
dreams we share, the affection and laughs.
Right now we are taking space. He is staying at a friends’ place and I don’t
know what’s next… If he moves out, if we try again- and is there a point? Do
relationships like this ever change, grow and evolve? Or is it just this never-ending
cycle of pain that I won’t even see clearly until I get out of it… like a
hamster on a wheel?

I
feel completely and utterly devastated when I think of not spending my life
with him. And I feel completely and utterly devastated every time he accuses me
of being a flirt, or says I’m a terrible person, or says that he hates me.
I’m tired. But I love him so much, I keep hoping things are going to change. I
know I contribute to our problems but I am truly doing my best.

How
do you know when to let go?

How
do you know when?
- Rrabu1
  
  As I read your post, it was as if I were reading my own writing (the situation). I think we both probably know that “when” is NOW- or yesterday or maybe last year for that matter. The real question for me is HOW. So many years of the deepest gut-wrenching love, with so much more pain than happiness. So why can’t I give it up? If you make it to “the other side” please do share..
  Kind regards
  Rachel
- beenthroughthis
  
  The moment you say yes to the question ‘Has he crossed my bottom line?’
http://www.facebook.com/fireflyslocket Valerie Marie Rutherford

I’m glad you are out of that relationship, but I’m also glad you were able to feel you learned something you were meant to out of the experience. Your kind of soulmate is definitely not my kind of soulmate, though. I believe soulmates are meant to bring the best out of you through love and support. Of course, I won’t tell you he wasn’t yours, because that’s a very personal connection, and only you can decide what it means for you. I wish you all the best in your life going forward.
geebee

Ever since I started having all sorts of issues in my relationship and I started reading articles and looking for advices, nothing has struck this deeply. Going by your definition, he’s my soulmate and I guess what that means is he can’t be mine forever and I don’t know how to deal with that, why should I let go of my one true love, why can’t we just work through these issues and be happy again?