Since the beginning of our relationship, bombs started to drop … just because, in front of his friends, my friends, his family…mine…at any given time – for the most stupid reason – from questions like,
“Why are you still friends with your ex?”
“Why do you still keep pictures of her?”
“Why is that guy saying hello to you from the other side of the bar?”
“Why was your phone busy when I called? Why was it busy for so long? What were you talking about and with whom?”
This went on to him suddenly appearing at the same coffee shop where I’m at with my girlfriends, because he was “in the neighborhood,” and then making a scene on the street at 3am screaming “you are an a****le”. I was 22 at the time, and he became my first “formal” boyfriend. We got married a couple years later. Three separations after that and three years later I’m about to sign the divorce papers.
After all the fighting, the ups and downs…the struggle, the tears, the pain, the fear, the sadness, the madness… I love him, I love his soul, his eyes, his smell, the 3 minutes of happiness we shared every morning when he would sit by my side in bed and thank me for breakfast and his ironed shirt with a kiss on my front head. But what I love the most is his kindness, and even though I will never understand how a person is full of kindness, the type of person who you know is a goodhearted person but evidently with lots of issues (like we all have) could say I love you, and the day after say “I can’t f*** stand you” ” you are the worst wife ever”…. It took, months and months of therapy to understand that even though I did forgive him every time, something in my heart died with every disrespectful word or act, and time would pass with the same ritual (for both of us, because I got cut up in the mind games too) I would wrap my head around the fact that it was my fault too, so I kind of deserved it? I would think only of the wonderful things about him and what I would miss if I decided to leave him.
It wasn’t until close friends…and parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents would start asking me “Are you ok?” “How’s your marriage going?” And I would say in my head: Not very good actually, we are kind of miserable but at least we are together. But instead I’d respond, “Ohh we are very good thank you for asking” (liar liar liar). I would cry on my way to work, on my way home… sometimes in the shower and sometimes during sex. I would cry while he was asleep, or watching TV and not paying attention (as he never did) I would get upset, sad, tense whenever I heard the alarm of his car, meaning that he just arrived home and was opening the door as he was setting the car alarm, which he did as form as not giving me time to stop doing what I was doing and maybe, just maybe he could catch me doing something (like cheating). Sometimes I would fake being asleep, and sometimes I would just wait until he was snoring to go to bed just to have a full 2hrs more for myself or to simply avoid sex, (which being in the state of mind that I was, and feeling so unhappy and sad…you girls know that it was natural for me to take away any form of sexual interaction, which made things even worse).
So after all that analysis and finally understanding that this was not fair for neither of us, that this was not the life we promised, that we dreamed of… I can’t seem to put a handle on it. I lost view of what was keeping us together and now that I’m not with him I don’t feel any better, I miss him, I wish it could work… but it is so messy that there is no point in going back, and it’s been so hard to accept the fact that sometimes it’s just not meant to be for now….or maybe ever.
What I want to say is, I know this is something that I NEED TO GO THROUGH and even though it is painful, I’m embracing it because it means I was loved, and I loved back… and hurt as well as happiness is part of living this wonderful life, and I thank God for this lesson because it will make me stronger and a better version of myself.
Here’s a quote from Elizabeth Gilbert’s Eat Pray Love that describes my relationship with who will always be the love of my life…
“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.
A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.
A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master…”
So with tears in my eyes and great respect for him I say goodbye to who I now know was my soul mate… (I will forever love you, thank you for all this years… remember, no regrets!)
A TDL Reader