My ex-boyfriend is now my best friend. I knew it was recipe for disaster, but I took the risk. We didn’t even date for that long so to me, we never really dated in the first place. But if it weren’t for that brief relationship, we wouldn’t have the level of comfort we have now… and the level of comfort doesn’t seem appropriate for the level of commitment we have. I admit, I still love him and there’s a part of me that is still madly in love with him, and although I know he loves and cares about me in his own way… I also know that he isn’t in love with me.
For the past two years, I’ve stuck by his side. I’ve legitimately become his best friend. Even though I constantly found myself at a crossroads of whether or not to walk away in order to let myself heal completely, I’ve always decided to stay for the friendship. The friendship means the world to me and the thought of losing him terrifies me. However, as time goes on, I no longer feel that we’re growing together… and I know that’s a sign that I should walk away, but I’m just so scared. I’m scared of losing him for good. I’m scared of walking away prematurely. I’m scared that I might make this decision and find out I didn’t need to.
I know that love is letting go and that if something’s meant to be, it’ll find its way back… but I’m just so terrified it won’t. I’ve invested so much of my time, my heart and my soul into this person and into this relationship that I don’t want it to be for nothing. But as much as I want to be platonic, I know I just can’t right now. I’ve been hoping that eventually it will be, but the waiting is hard.
A TDL Reader