Once upon a time I had my ideal job and then one day I did. After being unemployed for almost two years I landed what I thought was going to be my next ideal job. I relocated my entire family and now after my first six months I’m failing. It was my first opportunity as an Executive Director. There’s no one to show me how to do my job. The expectations are enormous and not very realistic with goals that I just can achieve. I’m having the hardest time communicating with my boss. He’s the worst mentor I’ve ever known. I could go on and on.
Recently, I had my first quarterly review and failed. I wasn’t prepared in the way I should have been. My report wasn’t in the format it should have been. My data sheets were incorrect, I didn’t have enough leads in my pipeline – I entirely misunderstood all the instructions. I didn’t even know how to answer many of the questions that were asked of me and it was very transparent that I didn’t understand and the silence on the conference because everyone knew this was horrific! Every time I opened my mouth it just sounded like I was making excuses. I may not have the skill sets to do this job; one that I still want like crazy, one that I desire more than anything to be successful at. I have always been able to get jobs that were over my head, out of my reach and always been able to learn it, receive promotions and advance; now this. Worst of all, I relocated my family; if I loose this job, we could lose everything.
At first I was so disappointed in myself realizing I struck out completely. I mean I didn’t event get close to the mark. I cried all last night and this morning too. Then I reached out to people that I knew would encourage me. They did and I began the process of picking myself back up. I told myself I just need to learn what I need to, apply myself and do a better job. Move on, improve, move forward. Right? But then tonight I see my boss’ calendar. Tomorrow everyone is meeting to discuss the reviews, then he has a meeting with HR before drafting the results letters. My heart sunk. Positive thinking may not do it. I could be put on probation or worst fired. I’m so scared. More scared than ever. So much for my family and I is riding on me being successful at my job and now I may not get a second chance to prove myself. My confidence is so shot. I’ve had so many bad things happen in my life over the past six, seven years – this finally made me feel that I was getting back on track but now, well what now – it may be too late for me.
I keep trying to tell myself, tell the Uni-verse that I’m done with trials and tests. That now what I’m expecting the Uni-verse to provide is love, success and abundance. I deserve, I know I do but I vacillate emotionally. I was very emotionally damaged as a child and have to fight always not to feel inferior. Sometimes I trick myself, and others then I fall back to those negative feelings I try to overlook the communication issues with my boss. I try to remind myself that he’s just trying to do his job. But with this company I just keep missing the mark; failing.
I’m writing you realizing you may not devote a wise blog about my issues. It would be great if you did, but more so, I want to send this out there. Any way in the Uni-verse for anyone, anything, any energy to catch it and love it. Love me despite all this. I want to love me but continue to feel scared. And with that I know I have no choice but to wake up; that’s just as involuntary as the sun rising in the sky each. I know change is constant but wouldn’t it be great if change would bring about love, life, success and abundance for me right now. That would be great.
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