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Daily Share: I’m scared to death!

Once upon a time I had my ideal job and then one day I did. After being unemployed for almost two years I landed what I thought was going to be my next ideal job. I relocated my entire family and now after my first six months I’m failing. It was my first opportunity as an Executive Director. There’s no one to show me how to do my job. The expectations are enormous and not very realistic with goals that I just can achieve. I’m having the hardest time communicating with my boss. He’s the worst mentor I’ve ever known. I could go on and on.

Recently, I had my first quarterly review and failed. I wasn’t prepared in the way I should have been. My report wasn’t in the format it should have been. My data sheets were incorrect, I didn’t have enough leads in my pipeline – I entirely misunderstood all the instructions. I didn’t even know how to answer many of the questions that were asked of me and it was very transparent that I didn’t understand and the silence on the conference because everyone knew this was horrific! Every time I opened my mouth it just sounded like I was making excuses. I may not have the skill sets to do this job; one that I still want like crazy, one that I desire more than anything to be successful at. I have always been able to get jobs that were over my head, out of my reach and always been able to learn it, receive promotions and advance; now this. Worst of all, I relocated my family; if I loose this job, we could lose everything.

At first I was so disappointed in myself realizing I struck out completely. I mean I didn’t event get close to the mark. I cried all last night and this morning too. Then I reached out to people that I knew would encourage me. They did and I began the process of picking myself back up. I told myself I just need to learn what I need to, apply myself and do a better job. Move on, improve, move forward. Right? But then tonight I see my boss’ calendar. Tomorrow everyone is meeting to discuss the reviews, then he has a meeting with HR before drafting the results letters. My heart sunk. Positive thinking may not do it. I could be put on probation or worst fired. I’m so scared. More scared than ever. So much for my family and I is riding on me being successful at my job and now I may not get a second chance to prove myself. My confidence is so shot. I’ve had so many bad things happen in my life over the past six, seven years – this finally made me feel that I was getting back on track but now, well what now – it may be too late for me.

I keep trying to tell myself, tell the Uni-verse that I’m done with trials and tests. That now what I’m expecting the Uni-verse to provide is love, success and abundance. I deserve, I know I do but I vacillate emotionally. I was very emotionally damaged as a child and have to fight always not to feel inferior. Sometimes I trick myself, and others then I fall back to those negative feelings I try to overlook the communication issues with my boss. I try to remind myself that he’s just trying to do his job. But with this company I just keep missing the mark; failing.

I’m writing you realizing you may not devote a wise blog about my issues. It would be great if you did, but more so, I want to send this out there. Any way in the Uni-verse for anyone, anything, any energy to catch it and love it. Love me despite all this. I want to love me but continue to feel scared. And with that I know I have no choice but to wake up; that’s just as involuntary as the sun rising in the sky each. I know change is constant but wouldn’t it be great if change would bring about love, life, success and abundance for me right now. That would be great.

TDL Reader

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  • http://dyannebrown.com/ dyannebrown

    I can imagine how this is a difficult place to be in, especially since you said that you relocated your family and they are depending on you. If there is one thing that I know, it is that the company thought you were the right person for the job which is why they hired you. It is very possible that you are the right person for the job. It may be that your style of doing things isn’t meshed with their style and the communication issues are not helping. I would advise you to make a real effort to communicate with your boss. It may be that your boss’s expectations and your expectations are not on the same level. You may be trying to pretend that everything is okay and you understand and your boss may be frustrated because he expects you to know things that you don’t know. If you both can remove the ego from your communication, then you may be able to find common ground and get help in your new position. It takes 6 months to even learn a job and a year before you know it like clockwork. If your manager is willing to give you a review, you should use it as the time to concede that there are things you don’t understand. See if you can develop regular meetings with your boss where you discuss expectations and check-in to see how you are doing until you feel confident on your own. On the flip side, if the job doesn’t work out, you should be able to get unemployment if you weren’t a right fit for the job. If you think that everyone understands that you were not a right fit and there are no hard feelings, maybe you can apply for another job at the same company. If worst comes to worst, start looking for something new or were there any other jobs that were interested in you that you turned down for this job. Do not feel bad. You are not the first person this has happened to and you will not be the last. It may feel embarrassing, but we all stumble or get in over our head from time-to-time. 

  • Gyovany

    “Nothing can match the strength of those whose lives have been shaped and forged through challenging and overcoming hardships. Such people fear nothing. The purpose of [Nichiren Buddhism] practice is to develop such strength and fortitude. To cultivate such an invincible core is in itself a victory. It is also the greatest benefit. Those who can succeed in this endeavor will savor unsurpassed happiness; they can manifest the supreme state of [enlightenment] ” -Daisaku Ikeda

  • Chabella76

    At least you tried and that is already better than what most people do.

  • Ryan James

    Each experience we encounter is only ever about healing and loving ourselves more. If you have had the ability to manifest this “dream” job then believe me you have the ability to manifest another and another and quite possibly another… This might just be an opportunity for you to heal the lessons you took on board as a child. If a part of you still believes that you are “inferior” then you will create circumstances in your life that will show you that. If you don’t feel good enough in one area of your life then it will bleed into everything else that surrounds it. If you feel this job is “above” you or beyond you then that’s all that’s being reflected back. There are no “trials and tests” in the universe, although I can understand how it can feel that way sometimes. There are however opportunities and open doors if you’re quiet enough within yourself to look at the experience for them.

    I will keep you in my prayers today.

    Ryan James