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Daily Share – It’s Hard To Move Forward

TDL_FB-iconDear TDL,

About 5 months ago my relationship with my military boyfriend ended because his orders changed and we would have extremely minimal contact with each other for two years. We initially broke up over the phone because he lived an hour away. He had to leave the state immediately as ordered, did not know when he would be back and would not have a chance to see me until he got back. Fortunately, he was back home a few weeks later and we were able to see each other in person. We had a very sweet, loving goodbye and told each other how much we love each other.

I also had a chance to see him again a few weeks after this. He was home for less than 24 hours and was a totally different person from who I ever knew. He was extremely rude, wanted me to hate him, told me not to miss him or care about him because he wanted me to move on since there would be no way he could be here for me right now. I could tell his meanness was a total act because we talked for a while, he had tears in his eyes and still gave me some really big hugs.

I’ve had such a hard time moving on because this change came on so suddenly and unexpectedly and it is not what either of us wanted to happen. He was not supposed to ever be deployed for that long. I know it was the best choice because a relationship can not work without communication, but I still love him, care about him, miss him so much and am always praying for his safety. It was simply a case of bad timing and I am having a hard time moving forward. I am living my life fully and doing my best to stay present in the now, but the grieving is difficult. I don’t know if or when I’ll hear from him again or if I’ll ever find that great of a love again.

A TDL Reader

  • Kath222

    Dearest one,
    I so feel for you upon reading your sharing. Your caring and love for your former boyfriend, your grieving for the relationship which has now ended. This “sudden and unexpected” change in the relationship. I understand – you can’t just waive a magic wand and erase all the caring and feelings and love you had for him instantaneously. Of course you are grieving right now.

    I really can feel your love for him. This innocent trusting love, which expects the best in return. But for whatever reasons, he has made his choice. He has ended his relationship with you. I know this is painful, I am sorry. But this is for the best. You deserve a man who loves you; who loves you like you love him.

    Does being deployed mean relationships automatically should end? No – there are plenty of men and women deployed who stay in relationship, despite the separation and distance and uncertainty This was not his choice, with you, to stay in relationship. It could have been, if he had wanted it. You could have stayed in contact, you could have stayed in relationship, if he had wanted it and chose it.

    I know this is difficult and something painful to look at, but I think you really need to evaluate the statement “it is not what either of us wanted to happen.” I know it is not what YOU wanted to happen, but it IS what he wanted to happen. You say when you saw him again “he was extremely rude” and “I could tell his meanness was a total act”. My dear sweet sister, sometimes it is just too painful to accept what is right in front of us. I know, I know how painful this is.

    Turn your attention away from him and back to yourself. Let him go. You are never going to be able to explain his actions, because they were coming from a different place than where you are. You were in truth, in hope, in love, in happy expectation and trust in this relationship. Stay in that place and LOVE YOURSELF.

    I want you to attract a man into your life who can match where you are and return your love. This man wasn’t the one; he can’t give you what you need and deserve. Let him go and move on. There is nothing to be gained to keep spiraling around and around trying to figure this out and focusing your thoughts and energy on him. Let him go with love, from your loving heart, wish him the best and let him go on his way.

    Stay open and trusting – you never know what goodness the universe has in store for you going forward. This too shall pass.

    I wish you all the best. Sending you a big hug.

  • craftylilminx

    Hello Daily Lover,
    First and foremost, my heart goes out to you.
    Grief is a process, and a challenging one a that. However, I couldn’t
    help but notice your sensitivity and understanding about how this man
    behaved and handled himself with you. This says a great deal about what
    you have gone through and learned already in your life. If I were to
    guess, you probably didn’t acquire those beautiful traits easily. In
    fact, I’d be willing to bet they came to you through some type of
    difficulty.

    It seems to me that with a heart like yours, the
    last thing you need to be concerned about is finding a partner. Let’s
    face it, you handled this situation very well, with love and acceptance,
    already. You are struggling because you are grieving. You may want to
    look up the stages of grieving and see if you can find some solace in
    this natural process.

    I know this, when we give ourselves the
    care and love we need, we create a space for others to join us. It may
    not happen over night, but when it happens, it is always right on time.
    There is a gift in this for you. (Why do I get the feeling you already
    know that?) But I think the gift IS you. I think that whatever this
    journey holds, it’s all for you.

    Whether the gift is strength,
    patience, endurance, greater self love or care, only you will know that.
    But I implore you to choose YOU right now. Let yourself be where you
    are, and understand that some days may be dark, but that all things that
    exist in the light were cultivated in darkness. Everyone began within a
    womb, every tree, plant and flower, began within the darkness of the
    soil. So it is too with our wisdom. YOU ARE WORTH THE WAIT. Maybe you
    and this man decided not to wait for each other, but YOU can still
    choose to wait for YOU.

    Accepting what ‘is’ will assist in
    pulling you through this. Our suffering stems from not accepting what
    is. This isn’t to say you won’t have feelings to process. It’s just to
    state that it’s worth it to process them, not deny them and work beyond
    them by accepting them. As you do this, day by day, It will provide you
    strength, and somewhere down the line, I believe, you will awaken with a
    version of yourself you never imagined. One that will probably look
    back and say, “I’m grateful for that journey. I wouldn’t be who I am
    today without it.”

    Many blessings.