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Daily Share – Keep Falling Into This Difficult Cycle!

January 8, 2013 by 8 Comments

Dear The Daily Love,

How wonderful is it to able to share our deepest feelings with people that not only want to listen, but are willing to share their input? I thank you for that opportunity. This is my story. I was in a relationship for 16 years and have two beautiful little girls. I have been separated for three years now, and for the past five months I’ve been dating a LT from the police. He’s a man with a very strong personality but still shows signs of love and support. I didn’t know I would fall this hard for a man who shows very little emotions. Being that he is a single dad and has a very hectic schedule plus great responsibility at his job, it leaves very little room for love. We only see each other once a week and I can’t seem to digest this once a week relationship. He wants me to embrace any little time we can give each other, but I don’t want it, I want it all or nothing. I know this sounds selfish, but it doesn’t feel good when I have to leave and struggle the entire week. It hurts too much. I have tried several times to break it off but in the end I miss him terribly and fall in this cycle again.

A TDL Reader

  • Ruth

    Dear One, I live with an emotionally distant man. When we were first dating we had fun together, I dismissed feels of doubt that he was the one. 

    We saw each other most every day and still there were so many signs along the way that I dismissed. Seeing someone once a week – does that give you a clear picture of who he really is? How involved are you in his life? We have been living together for six years and it is most lonely. There are different kinds of lonely. To me, being in a relationship with someone and still being lonely is the worst loneliness. It makes me feel unseen, unwanted, unappreciated. I wouldn’t want you to go through life with these feelings. Sometimes it’s better to endure the pain of a break up than years of pain living with someone who is incapable of giving back. 

    • Fran

      OMG Ruth, thank you for your reply to TDL. Here I am struggling with wanting to reconnect with a man with whom I lived with and felt ‘lonely…made me feel unseen, unwanted, unappreciated…’, it was a wakeup call for me to read this…
      In EAT, PRAY LOVE.. somewhere it says ‘you still luv him, so luv him, you want to be with him, so suffer through that feeling so that other doors, more satisfying can open up for you….don’t quote me though, it was something like that…
      I needed to read this today…Thanks

  • Mayralou

    You don’t sound selfish at all. It seems as if you’re giving and loving. :) It’s understandable that he prioritizes his son and work. However if he is unwilling (which it sounds like is) to grow with the relationship and understand that part of sharing your life with someone means making their needs your own he may not be the man for you. You deserve 100 & 10% love, affection, consideration and more than a once a week date. If you’re not making your needs a priority neither will anyone you’re seeing. Ask for what you want and need from a MUTUAL LOVING AND GIVING relationship if he’s not making a change to meet you half way move forward… Their is someone who will.

    All my best
    Mayra

  • Shmooplove

    Your intuitive and smart.  I believe you know the answer in your heart.  I know this man, or at least one like him. It’s possible he has a deep and complicated reason for the emotional distance. It’s not your job to fix him. Sometimes we want to be “the one” to crack this hard cookie, but it will come at a high cost. Let go while you still can. There’s someone out there waiting for a loving and giving person like yourself and your wonderful daughters, who by the way, deserve someone who’s available emotionally  for them as well. He can’t find you if your holding on to someone else who’s not really there for you. I’m sending you loving, healing thoughts. 

  • http://thejourneytolearnacceptance.blogspot.com/ Nina

    I would focus more on the relationship when you are together rather than the once-a-week thing. Focus more on the person rather than the situation. If the person is really perfect for you, and you truly love him, and he loves you, and everything else is completely perfect, then I think whatever human issues and situations exist are worth working through. I say “perfect” a bunch there because that shouldn’t be an excuse to put up with situations just because you simply care for someone. You can care for someone, even love them, but still not be right for each other, and still not be compatible enough to make working through those issues worthwhile.

    That’s secondary, though. Focus on him. How much do you really know about him? How much do you know about his character and values? How does he interact with others? How does he interact with his kid(s)? Do you feel happy and fulfilled when you are with him? Do you think you bring out the best in each other? Does his presence have a positive impact on your life and your kids’ lives, and vice versa?

    This is a tricky situation. All the details are not on the table for us TDL readers, and they may not even be on the table for you. As mentioned in other comments, I believe you have the answer inside you. I believe you have the intuition to know what is the right move here. You just have to trust yourself and stay strong and focused on whatever you choose. Explore other perspectives. Maybe even allow yourself some time to get to know him even better, and have a line in the sand that you won’t pass, and then have the personal integrity to keep your word to yourself.

    My thoughts are with you! Good luck!

    Much love,
    Nina
    http://thejourneytolearnacceptance.blogspot.com/
    http://www.facebook.com/TheJourneyToLearnAcceptance

  • Elen

    I think it would be helpful to understand that “second time around” relationships are not like “first time around” relationships.  The first time around, there are no children, you are probably lower on the totem pole at work, you have fewer responsibilities and there is tons of time to spend together.  The second time around that is not the case.  If this man is like most single Dads, he doesn’t get much time to be with his kids.  When his kids are with him, he wants to devote his time to them.  He might not be ready to introduce a “love interest” to his kids.  That is something to respect.  Police work is stressful.  When you add to that a fairly high up administrative position, and the fact that he wants to spend quality time with his children,  I understand that he doesn’t have a lot of free time.  You have only been dating him for five months.  I agree with Nina that you should focus on the type of person he is, not the amount of time you spend with him.  Use your “free” time to develop your own interests and to spend quality time with your children.  You will become a more confident, interesting person that exudes positive energy.  Positive energy is very alluring! 

  • Joanj

    How do I find a spiritual healer?

  • http://www.facebook.com/roxana.nunez Roxana Nunez

    Sometimes we know the answer and we are too scared to face it.

    You mentioned that you feel lonely but then when you break it off you miss him terribly.  How good are the times you are spending together that you miss him?  Maybe you should look at that more.

    You also mentioned that he is a police officer.  He might want to protect you from hurt due to his job.  Let’s face it, police officers, firemen, military, these are all very dangerous jobs.  Maybe he does not want to go to deep because it has only been five months.  Have you asked him how he feels?

    My advice to you, if you really care about this man, is to have an honest conversation and see where he sees the relationship going.  If you are both in the same page, you should be able to share without feeling shame.  If he is not willing to open up and you are the kind of person that needs that, you have your answer.  Move on to someone who is willing to open up.  If he does open up, give him the space to be honest, no matter what he says.  You must respect where he is in his own journey.

    Regardless of how it works out, give yourself the space to have the relationship that you want and don’t settle because you feel lonely.  If you feel lonely in the relationship, you might as well be alone and allow for a good thing to happen.  Good luck.