Seven years of hell is the answer I would have given you if I was still struggling with my disordered eating habits. BUT now that I am free, I completely see it as a blessing in disguise because it has led me to find my passion in life and to help others overcome this struggle.
It started out in high school where I had a friend who was getting so much attention because of how beautiful and tall she was. She then started to model. So automatically I assumed at a very young age that THIN=BEAUTIFUL. Conditioned into my brain, I started off with my friend anorexia. I lost over 15 pounds which was a lot because I was already thin. Little did I know that this was the start of a seven year roller coaster ride full of high climbs and huge drops. One meal a day, a ton of school sports a week and I didn’t see anything wrong with it.
Next up, University. Freshman 15, how about Freshman 30. This was a huge change in my life because I was moving half way across Canada and going to a University with 27,000 students. Which may not be that big of a deal but when it is more than the city you live in (25 000), it can bit a bit overwhelming. I didn’t know a single soul either. So instead of dealing with my loneliness, sadness and depression I decided to stuff my feelings down. Sounds cliche but it was true. I was so sick of crying that anything else would be better than feeling this way. With my history of not eating and my body probably on hiatus, this lead to an extreme weight gain and it didn’t help that I was driving around to every drive through picking up whatever I could get my hands on.
This freshman gain was the worst possible thing to happen to me at this time in my life because I had to go home and face all my high school friends looking like a XXL version of my old self. WHAT better way to lose weight than to purge? BINGO
As if purging wasn’t enough. I got on the extreme exercise train. AND I am talking EXTREME! Three hours of Bikram yoga a day and sometimes an evening run. Does that sound Crazy? Of course not.
So this continued for the next five years of my life until I was barely hanging on by a thread. I couldn’t live this way anymore. I missed out on so much of my life already because I was hiding out due to the fact that I felt too “FAT” or needed to get that three hour workout in. I was exhausted, severely depressed and lost friends, opportunities and dignity.
My WAKE UP CALL:
I came to this Eureka moment one day: When I die, at my funeral do I want to be remembered by “well at least she was thin?”
HELLS to the NOOO. I had a flash forward moment and could picture my funeral and what my life looked like if I continued to live this way. I was deep down in the ditch and needed to do everything in my power to climb back up.
The underlying issue of all this was…FOOD is not the problem, deal with what is.
I can tell you or anyone who is struggling with this obsession, it is possible to be free and fit. I am at my healthiest weight and feeling high on life. Don’t’ expect to get rid of it overnight. It took me seven years to get where I was, so it took some time to get out of. But seriously. We are all meant to be here on this planet to do great things, so by you not being your best self is punishing the world. I am completely FREE and loving every second of it. It is possible and at times I was ready to throw in that towel and go back to my old ways. But I didn’t, I sat with the uncomfortableness of a new way and worked through it. AND I am so happy I did. “The bigger the breakdown, the bigger the breakthrough!” If I can get through it, ANYONE can. I promise. Don’t punish the world, and let it be OK for that inner beauty to shine!
A TDL Reader