I’ve been reading TDL for quite some time now and constantly find motivation and understanding on certain things that I seem to be confused about and try my best to put things into context. I applaud you, Mastin, for your courage and contribution daily. I draw from many sources and don’t believe that one thing should be “the be all and end all” for any one person, and there are certain things that I may not always agree with (not very often). I think through your blog, I’ve been able to see that I am not alone; I am not weird because I think a certain way and most of all that I am worthy. To cut a long story short, my experience over the past few years has been as follows: about 3 ½ yrs. ago, I got divorced, the evening of that specific day, I was in a car accident that saw me wake up a 1 ½ weeks later in hospital with numerous injuries and told that my heart had stopped twice. I recovered over the next 2 months. It was only through the grace of God I believe. While going through my divorce, I met a wonderful person and fell head over heels, but the relationship was complicated and never defined. Another vicious cycle ensued in my life. There are too many prior to this to mention, including my reasons for divorce. As much as I love this person, he hurt me; it was at a time that I really needed someone and was basically told that what I was going through wasn’t important, never mind acknowledged and it was more of a ploy to drag him in. It hurt so much so that I couldn’t feel anything; no anger, no hatred, nothing. I let go of a 3yr relationship in an instant. See there are many things that I have gone through during these 33yrs here on earth, mostly painful, well the majority. But I’m the type of person that keeps on giving, to my detriment. Knowing the feeling of being hurt, manipulated and trod down, I go out of my way to ensure that others don’t experience that, but only to find that is exactly what is being reciprocated to me. Today I had an epiphany, which is what I want to share. I’ve tried to support, guide and love other people so much, where I see a need, I try to fill it, make people happy but end up being unhappy, alone and not getting that same feeling back. The reason for this, I’ve concluded, is that there is one person that hasn’t been getting that love, support, happiness, and that person is me! I’ve not been able to give to myself that which I’ve been giving to those who could not recognize it or appreciate it for the genuine unconditional, pure love and concern that it was. Understanding is one thing, it’s the application that is challenging as the step before that is acknowledging. It’s not so much the “what” we need to do; because I believe we all have the answers within ourselves (be it way deep down in our core) it is there and we know it, it is more the “how”! I’ve acknowledged, I understand and I’m willing to change me, no one else. As hard as it was to end a relationship with the person I thought was my soul mate, who I will love always, I needed to accept that we were not on the same level of understanding and that I cannot change him or his situation. The only person I am responsible for and accountable to is myself (& my 2 kids). Love has found me, inside of me (been there all along), a loving relationship will be found to complement me (because I am complete). There is so much that I could still say but it’s like your daily blog, the journey has but only begun.
A TDL Reader