Daily Share – My Boyfriend Slept With My Cousin Before We Got Back Together

TDL_FB-iconI have a situation and I don’t know how to react or handle it. What do you do when you find out that your ex-boyfriend, who you recently rekindled your romance with, slept with your cousin during your break up?

I feel betrayed by both of them and I am in so much pain.

We broke up 3 years ago and we recently started to rekindle things around July. Our relationship grew stronger and I started loving him again, only to find out (because my cousin couldn’t hold it in any longer) that he slept with my cousin. It hurts more that they had sex. I know we weren’t together at the time, but she’s my family!

I know in my heart I am supposed to cut him and her out, but I just need advice. This is so confusing and I don’t want to forgive or make a stupid decision that I’ll regret.

A TDL Reader

  • Good morning reader. I’m sorry for the pain you’re experiencing!

    First of all, that statement is false since you were not together when these two people decided to hook-up. I’m not trying to sound cold here, I’m just dealing with the facts. When we argue with reality we create pain for ourselves! You’re “shoulding” all over these two people. What they did wasn’t personal and had nothing to do with you! I highly recommend you fill out a “judge your neighbor” worksheet from Byron Katie’s site. http://www.thework.com You can also watch her on youtube. The process will really help you deal with this situation and show you how you’re creating all of this pain for yourself. As for your decision on whether to stay with him or go, I would wait until you’re in a clearer state of mind about this. Right now your decision will be an ego based decision instead of a heart based decision. Take time and do the work with Byron Katie, you’ll see how much better you feel and you’ll be able to make your decision from a place of love! I hope this helps a little and I wish you all the love you desire!
    Love, Carol

    • The Daily Love

      Thank you for sharing your advice and the link, Carol!
      -Team TDL

  • Yasmin

    You sound horribly confused by this situation, and there is really no right or wrong answer in how you decide to move forward. Only what feels best for you.
    You say you are supposed to ‘cut both him and her out’, yet I’m not sure why you feel this way. This sounds like its coming from a place of pride, and of indignation.
    I appreciate that the news he has dated someone within your family has come as a surprise, but even so, he has done nothing wrong. During the three years you were apart, you were both free to date other people, and now you have come back into each others lives with an accumulation of different experiences gained while you weren’t together. You don’t mention why you broke up in the first place, however, if there are any ongoing trust issues to work through, maybe that’s something you can explore together. Please don’t punish your boyfriend for choices he made when you weren’t together, and deny yourself the opportunity of a loving and happy relationship. Allow yourself to feel shocked, hurt, angry, if that’s how you feel. But remember, he hasn’t betrayed you. He just made choices during your time apart that you are finding uncomfortable to process.
    Good luck, and hope it works out

    • The Daily Love

      Such wonderful advice, Yasmin! Thank you for sharing your wisdom and compassion with our reader!
      -Team TDL

  • kaysee

    I can only imagine how hard that must be, loving someone but having this be at the front of your mind. It isn’t fun to go through, I have been there before…but not with family.

    First, (I am someone with a very strong value system), I never go near or touch my friend’s exes. It is an unwritten rule, because ….drum roll…what if she gets back together with him!?? If I were in the reverse role, it would bother me, so I would never go there. It gets messy. I am not saying I am perfect, but there are so many men out there to sleep with, I don’t see why my friends would feel compelled to go with someone I loved.

    However, if your love is strong, then it is up to you to accept what happened and move on from it. I would do this through meditation and yoga (that is what I did to get over similar things) and if it doesn’t go away from your mind, then you will know it is time to let go or talk to your partner about how you are feeling.

    Personally, I couldn’t do it. I am sorry if that is the wrong advice to give, but I couldn’t. You are very strong. I would run as far as I could and learn from it.

    People can give you advice, but in the end, as Yasmin writes, you have to do what is best for you. If this situation is hurting you more than you can feel comfortable with, then you know best what to do to ease that discomfort. Lot’s of love to you xo

    • The Daily Love

      Thank you for sharing, Kaysee. You offer some great coping skills!
      -Team TDL

  • Uriel

    This post came at just the right time for me. I am crazy in love with my boyfriend. He is a very very free spirit which is one of the things I love about him but as Mastin said its also one of the things that drive me crazy about him. But if I am honest I also know that there is a touch of selfishness in his behavior and I don’t quite know how to bring this up with him. For example last night I really wasn’t feeling well at all and I texted him telling him that (which I believe in 2 years is the first time I have requested him to come over and nurse me) I told him I wasn’t feeling well, and that a back rub and cuddle would be welcome and would he like to sleepover. He just replied that I should bundle up and watch a movie like he was doing and that he had an early work day and was doing laundry and watching ice hockey. I mean I wasn’t dying or anything but I just know that in the future I want to know if he will be there for me when I am sick. How can I talk to him in general about being more available and open to me when I ask for him?

  • Uriel

    Apologies I posted in the wrong thread

  • Allison

    I can identify with this in part as I have a cousin who does not understand or respect boundaries either. I believe you need to have a long discussion/s with her about boundaries and in future understand what she is capable of and protect yourself accordingly.

    As for your boyfriend. As much as it is painful and abhorrent what went down, he had no obligation to you at that time. It does concern me that he wasn’t the one to confess though. Is he generally an open and honest fellow? Only you can make this decision.

    • The Daily Love

      Wonderful advice, Allison. Definitely does sound like a time for conversations. Thank you for sharing your thoughts!
      -Team TDL

  • Michelle

    The question you have to ask yourself is this: can you TRUTHFULLY never think about the fact that he and your cousin had sex? If the answer is no, it’s better that you put a fork in the relationship for good. It’s hard for you to do, but you will only punish yourself for thinking about it and punish him for having done it at all. It’s not fair to him for you to constantly rehash something he did in the past. You either forgive and COMPLETELY forget or move on to someone who is a better fit for you.

    • The Daily Love

      Thank you, Michelle. You offer such valid points!
      -Team TDL

  • Melodi

    If u can do, it’s better to move on and ignore him. Ignoring the best way to let them know they are wrong. I don’t understand w/ u’r boyfriend if he wants to get back togethr he will not did something wrong, right?

    • The Daily Love

      Thank you reading and for sharing with our reader, Melodi!
      -Team TDL

  • Oisseau

    Is it a big deal in your family if one member slept with an ex? So your cousin slept with your ex. Then she confessed about it because she couldn’t hold it any longer. Based on that, she probably felt having sex with your ex will affect your feelings in the future if found out but they did it anyway. It is only natural to feel betrayed, and as a result, you want to cut him and her out of your life. Think about it first. Clear your head, and weigh the pros and the cons. Is your love to your boyfriend strong enough to forget all that happened between him and your cousin? Is the feeling of betrayal strong enough that you are willing to end your relationship with your boyfriend and cut your cousin out of your life? Before you decide on what to do, examine yourself and heal your heart first. However, healing will be a challenge if the past hurtful event keeps recurring at the back of your mind. this will create a strain in your relationship with your boyfriend and with your cousin. This will not only be hurtful to you but to them too. So I would suggest to give yourself time away from them to reassess your priorities, and to re evaluate what you are willing to sacrifice, to give up in order to find peace and satisfaction within yourself. It’s all about aligning with your truth honey. At the end of the day, it’s you and the choices that you make will determine your happiness in the future. So do what makes you happy and at peace.

    • The Daily Love

      Great words of kindness, Oisseau! You are so right when saying that decisions ought to be made in a clear state of mind. Thank you for sharing and showing such love to our reader!
      -Team TDL

  • MissEsq

    If he was aware that was your cousin, he disrespected you as well as himself by having sex with her. There’s some people you just don’t go there with. There’s too many people in this world to have to dip into family & friends of those we once loved & cared about. How would they feel if it was the other way around? Furthermore, why was it that he didn’t tell you when you got back together, considering she is your cousin? If he didn’t feel he needed to tell you or that what he did was wrong then that’s an even bigger problem. It doesn’t matter that yall weren’t together at the time they made the choice to have sex, if yall had been in a SERIOUS long term relationship prior to them hooking up. I’m assuming the prior relationship was a serious long term relationship, otherwise what I stated above pprobably doesn’t apply. It all boils down to morals & beliefs, you will never be happy with someone if they have different beliefs in such major situations such as this.

    • Kay

      Good point, it really all boils down to sharing the same morals and beliefs. I wouldn’t be with someone who wouldn’t think about how it might affect me by sleeping with my cousin, regardless of whether or not we were together-seriously, no sugar coating, it would feel uncomfortable. And as for a cousin, well, telling you WHEN you got back together instead of considering the possibility that the bedtime fiasco might bother you was inconsiderate. I am certainly sure that she would react the same way if she were in the same position, maybe she is still really young and will figure this out when she will have to face a challenge in her relationships. Gosh I sound so black and white, but other people’s mistakes shouldn’t lay so heavy on you. I thought about you this morning and hope you do what makes you happy, and less stressed. Time is precious and relentless, it moves on with or without you. Choose your energy wisely.

      • MissEsq

        Exactly, just because you are not with someone doesn’t mean you should just disregard them & their feelings, if you care about them. If they didn’t care about your feelings then, do you expect them to all of a sudden care now? We can only comment on the little details you have shared so I’m sure the situation is more complex but the fact that you are so bothered by it, it seems obvious that you really already know what you should do. I hate to sound so harsh but the fact is, way too many people settle for bs, tolerate bs etc when they deserve better. Unfortunately some people are self consumed & only care about themselves, it seems as though your boyfriend & cousin fit that category, otherwise they wouldn’t have been so weak to do what they did without regard for you or the respect they should have for themselves but obviously don’t. Being young doesn’t make something ok, never at any time would I have put myself in such a situation as your cousin did. It comes down to knowing right from wrong & not putting yourself in situations that are likely to cause you to do something you know isn’t a good idea. If your cousin and you are close, & she shares her life with you then why didn’t she share this info with you prior? Maybe because she knew it was wrong to begin with, which makes it even worse. Blood is not always thicker than water so don’t feel like she should get a pass because she is family, sometimes family needs to get cut off too. Best of luck to you, I hope you end up happy with your decision, whichever way you decide.

      • The Daily Love

        Thank you Kay!! Sometimes looking at things in a black and white way can help us make the better decisions. Thank you for your words of compassion for our reader!
        -Team TDL

    • The Daily Love

      Thank you, MissEsq. You bring up many things to consider!! Thank you for the input!
      -Team TDL

  • Eve

    I think it depends … it depends on WHEN they slept together (before you started to rekindle things or afterwards?), and WHAT your feelings towards your than-ex-boyfriend were at that time of separation.
    Your new boyfriend (who had been your ex-boyfriend before) and you had been apart for three years – that is quite a long time, and since you and him were not together, because the two of you had separated some time ago, in my opinion both him and your cousin (both consenting adults, I suppose) had EVERY RIGHT to be together, since no-one could have predicted that you and him might be a couple after all those years again …
    … that is, UNLESS you were not (still) heartbroken over the loss of that relationship, wanted him back, AND she knew about that (because you’ve told her!). – that would be the only constellation, where one or both of them might have done something that hurt you. (Yes, you are hurt now, but that is intirely of your own making – it’s ‘just’ your ego pouting. You may want to obercome your insecurities, too …)
    Your cousing told you, which is brave and a sign that she loves you and wants nothing in the way (although she might have guessed that you would be upset) – give her a hug. How happy you can be that they maybe had some fun, but did not start a relationship – because you are now the LUCKY ONE!
    Your new boyfriend (yes, that’s him) maybe didn’t tell you simply because it was insignificant to him – some fun, not a big deal … he chose YOU, remember?
    Remember: You are now having a BRAND-NEW relationship with a man you knew intimately before (yes, it is a brand-new relationship, because both of you have changed/matured in the meantime) – ENJOY! Much love!