Daily Share – My Desire For Love & My Refusal And Inability To Accept Love!

March 12, 2013 by Anonymous TDL Reader 8 Comments

I’ve been on the move for the last few years – literally. Since graduating from high school, my address has changed nine times (in less than 7 years). I always convince myself there’s a good reason, and often there is. But there’s one that creeps up all the time – I just am not making any connections. I have a lot of acquaintances, peers, people to hang out with once in a while, but I always feel an acute lack of friends/lovers. And so I find a way to move on, convincing myself that the city I’m in just isn’t right for me. It’s an extreme measure and outward manifestation of something going on within me. There’s a battle between the conscious idea that I’m a wonderful person and worth being around, and the subconscious belief that I’m not really worthy of their attention, and even if I was, they would end up leaving me anyway. I’ve heard it called fearful-avoidant attachment style, and I think that actually fits pretty well.

I got called out on this recently, very vocally, and I could almost feel the walls closing up. Vulnerability was ok with this person to a point, but as sarcastic quips started leaping from my mouth, I began to feel uneasy. I so wanted to express myself to this person, and was almost willing to believe he would listen, but instead I was shutting down. By the time I caught it, it was too late – lines of communication had already been shut down, at least for the moment, and I was left with my own thoughts. The war began another battle as my conscious mind wished for betterment and berated me for allowing habit to take over again. For running away, again.

I spent a lot of the night thinking about it. How do you even dig yourself out of a hole that a number of psychologists think is permanently set in childhood? But I absolutely have to. I have to find a way to flip my understanding and acceptance of myself to match other people – not try to get other people to match my negative self-conception. I need to stop choosing people who are obviously going to leave, a tactic that reinforces my beliefs. I need to stop verbally putting myself down, and make the quickest response a defense of myself rather than sarcasm and self-deprecation. I need to allow this temporary identity crisis to bring to an end the constant differential between my desire for love and my refusal and inability to accept it. I have to.

A TDL Reader

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Bethodonnell

Please also consider the possibility that you are perfect and you might just like being by yourself more than most people. Just because “society” basically demands we all become part of a couple doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. One good friend is worth 100 acquaintances. You might also want to research Highly Sensitive People because perhaps you get overwhelmed by the emotions of others very easily. Lastly, remember that self-deprecating humor actually opens you up to being accepted by others.
- http://beyouliveyourdream.blogspot.com/ Sarah Noel
  
  Beth,
  
  Are you speaking from experience? I can relate to your post. I actually read a book about Highly Sensitive People b/c I think that applies to me, at least to some degree.
  I also had a career counselor tell me (after extensive personality inventories) that I had the LEAST need to be around other people than anyone he’d ever worked with! And this was a well-established, successful psychologist/career counselor! I was about 25 years old, or so, at the time.
  I AM happy on my own, most of the time. Funny thing though, I just got out of a 2-year relationship in which I lived with my boyfriend. And I feel like I forgot how to be happy on my own. I LOVE living alone again (I honestly wonder if I’ll ever live with anyone else again b/c I do like having MY OWN house quite a bit!). But in the years when I was single before meeting my boyfriend, I’d just go and do whatever I wanted to do, on my own (b/c I didn’t have many friends, and even fewer who wanted to do what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it). I LIKED my own company, as silly as that sounds. Most of the time I’d actually PREFER to do something alone than with someone else. So now I’m having to find that part of me again. When there’s an event or something I want to do, my first thought is, “Who can I do that with?” now. So I might ask the 2 or 3 people who I consider close friends and who I’d WANT to go to whatever event with. And when they can’t, I feel a little lonely. I rarely felt lonely before. I’m hoping it’s just a phase. That I WILL have to re-learn to be single and on my own again. Spending two years as part of a couple is a long time. So this IS a change.
  
  Anyway… thanks for your comment, even though I wasn’t the one to post the initial blog.
  
  Sarah
  http://beyouliveyourdream.blogspot.com/2013/03/let-other-people-be-how-theyre-gonna-be.html
http://www.facebook.com/angelicchannelchernise.spruell Angelic Channel Chernise Sprue

Hi,

First of all I’d like to commend you for reaching out so vulnerably. This is a very clear act that’s in direct contrast to the “fearful-avoidant attachment style” you mentioned. It’s important to acknowledge that because I think the next most powerful step after becoming aware of something, is giving thanks for the already-existing aspect of what you would like to experience – no matter how small it is. It’s funny that I’m responding to your comment because I wasn’t even aware of this section of Mastin’s website, but I definitely feel a connection with you.

I’m an only child who was extremely sensitive and always felt “different” because of that. Also, when I was two years old, my dad left to go to Okinawa for the Army where my mother and I joined him six months later. Mom said that I didn’t smile for the entire time he was gone. That’s not a tragic story, I know – but because I was too young to understand why he left, it had me believe that I was why he left and that I was unworthy of being loved. The second part of that belief was that if someone did love me (and I loved them) I was sure that they would leave. Now that belief is tragic. But the main thing is that it’s just a belief. I’d love to say that once I had that epiphany, everything changed overnight but it didn’t. It did, however, change eventually and I’m in an entirely different place today.

First I had to be aware of the front that I was putting on to be accepted and that I continually cut people out of my life before I thought they would leave me. So I was in a similar situation as yours - lots of acquantainces but very few real friends. Then, I read books like Marianne Williamson’s “A Woman’s Worth” and Louise Hay’s “You Can Heal Your Life” to work on forgiving myself and my father - not that either of us did anything wrong, but I needed to forgive the beliefs. Then I worked on stopping the self depricating talk and it happened in stages. There was the phase where I would catch myself in the process of the negative self-talk and say things like “Crap, I’m doing it again!” This happened a lot. Then, I got to the point where I would be aware of the direction that my thoughts were heading and would choose to not go there. Eventually, I just phased it out all-together. There might have been a few more mini-phases in between, but it was all a practice and it was all forward movement. I also started working with a spiritual coach – someone who saw the light in me when I didn’t, and helped me to see it, too. The effect she had on my life was invaluable.

It definitely helps to try to be kind to yourself and find out what you think you need. I now channel Archangels (that’s an ability I discovered while working with my Spiritual Coach) and would like to offer a visualization I used in a recent workshop for communicating with your inner child because it is she who thinks there’s something unsafe about conneting with others.

Imagine yourself seated in a beautiful throne in a beautiful garden. The day is lovely and you feel surrounded by a warm, glowing light. You feel safe and you look down into your arms and you see yourself as a small child. You look deep into her eyes and tell her that she’s safe and that you’ll never leave her. You hug her until she knows that regardless of what she shares about herself, you’ll look at her no differently. When you can tell that she feels safe, you can say to her, “Dearest One, please tell me what you need. You appear to be sad. What is is that I can give you? For whatever your need, I will happily see to it that it is yours.” Then give her as much time as necessary to respond and take note of her answer, whether it comes in the form of a feeling, a sound, an actuall word or sentance. Whatever her answer say to her, “Yes, I hear you. I see you and I love you. You must know that whatever it is that you need, I can always provide that for you and I will make it a top priority to see to it that I always give this to you.” If your inner child protests that in the past you haven’t given her what he needs, then tell her, “Yes, I ask your forgiveness for that but I too was wounded. Now I am focusing on my strength which lies in my ability to be vulnerable to love and I intend never to let you down again.” At this point you can see her smile in complete trust and joy as if you’ve given her the thing she wanted most in the world. Stay in the space of this lovely embrace, invite her into your heart and see her physically meld into your body. You can do this visualization as much as you like to heal that part of you that feels unworthy of love. It also helps to wear or hold Rose Quartz.

I would also like to offer the simple affirmation of, “It is safe for me to love and be loved. When I open myself to love, I am always pleasantly surprised” I recently read that it can be more powerful to focus on one simple thought until it’s part of your being rather than work on many at a time. It’s a personal choice but this feels like it could be of assistance. It might not feel real when you start saying the affirmation but it will eventually. Just a tip: when I started working with my Spiritual Coach I was definitely in a desperate state – I wanted a new job NOW, I wanted a better relationship NOW and I wanted to love myself completely NOW. She gave me the affirmation “I am One with Spirit” to use for a month. I have to tell you at the time, I was more than a little underwhelmed. That little affirmation did NOT seem like the lifeline that I needed ;) But it truly caused the shift that I desired.

Basically, I just wanted to let you know that it is possible and it is all a journey but it can be a wonderful journey – especially since you made the first step.

I hope this helps

In sincerest love and light,
Chernise Spruell
- http://beyouliveyourdream.blogspot.com/ Sarah Noel
  
  Wow, Chernise!!
  
  I LOVE, LOVE your response and post! As I, too, can relate, I took a lot from what you said. I love the visualization. I can feel the power in it even as I read it for the first time. I plan to do it fully at a later time.
  
  I also liked both affirmations you suggested. I will try them myself. I definitely believe in affirmations and have seen them work for me too. I feel like I’ve made great progress over the past few years, but now (after a break-up, that I initiated) and a career up in the air, I feel almost back at square one. Like I need to build myself up AGAIN.
  
  I also have a similar childhood experience as you. My father left, for good, when I was small (I don’t know my exact age, but around 1 or 2 years old). And my mother (and father) left me for a period of about 2 weeks when I was 6 months old. I think why THAT was so powerful, was that at that point in my life, due to my parents’ jobs, and living away from the rest of their families, I hadn’t met any of my extended family yet. Then, randomly one day, my mom drops me off with strangers (my grandparents, but as I said, it was the first time I’d met them) and off and leaves me for 2-3 weeks. I didn’t know where she went (I was 6 months old). I didn’t understand. I didn’t know when she was coming back, if ever. Obviously I don’ t REMEMBER this experience, but I believe my far-from-close bond with my mother is because of this early experience. That and just the fact of how my mother is… but that’s another story.
  
  So yeah, I’ve had the whole “abandonment” issues my whole life. The belief that I can’t trust people, especially the people I’m “supposed” to be able to trust the most. The belief that I’m not worth sticking around for and that people don’t really want to spend time with me.
  
  I’m working on all this. But it’s still definitely present. I appreciated you saying how it’s a process. I know I’m moving forward, yet it seems so SLOW sometimes!
  
  Anyway, thanks again for your thoughtful, open post! And for your suggestions.
  
  Sarah
  http://beyouliveyourdream.blogspot.com/2013/03/let-other-people-be-how-theyre-gonna-be.html
Better3flyfree

I too have been working with a lovely woman whom I call my Spiritual Advisor. She also helped me with inner child work by using visualizations of myself as a child. She changed my life. I did meet someone new and didn’t listen to my inner voice telling me that iot was moving too fast so the relationship ended up being not right for me which is what my inner voice/ inner child was telling me in the first place. This built self confidence in my intuition and I listen to it completely now with 150% trust in myself which feels good. What hasn’t been so enjoyable is getting over him. It was two years and after leaving because I knew it wasn’t right, I have been hurting so deeply inside and having a way harder time than expected. I felt as if I lost my progress. I have felt a fear that I never had within my soul before. I am seeing my spiritual advisor more often now. I am asking her how I could have been doing so well before and now I am in a depression that makes me barely even be able to get out of bed and come to work… I am a lifeless unanimated shell of a person. I am working so hard to get back to where I was before getting with this guy to almost no avail. I also do not want to go through this pain again so the care free frolicking personality I once had is closed and scared because I do not ever want to go throught his again. I am sooo glad I read both of your comments because I am a fun loving care free person who believes in true love. I want a spiritual partner who gets me and loves me flaws and all. I am going to love that way as well. I am going to take the next month, at least, to be “One with the Spirit”… I know I need to learn to give to myself what I was looking for in my dad that I didnt get so I was trying to find it in men. I wasn’t consciously doing this. It was subconscious. It ends now! I thank you and I want to send you positive light and love. Have a wonderful day! Ask yourself what do YOU want? I do not think we do that enough…
- http://beyouliveyourdream.blogspot.com/ Sarah Noel
  
  As I read your post I kept thinking, Man, I really relate to this person! Then I realized you had told me your story, basically, before, and we’ve exchanged some posts/emails. Lol…
  
  I’m also noticing that I’m different now than I was before I was with my now-ex-boyfriend (and not all in a good way). Just like you said, *before* I didn’t give it a second thought to run out and do whatever I wanted to do on my own. In fact, I hardly even thought to ask someone to go with me, or even wanted someone to go with me. But after being part of a couple for 2 years, and ALWAYS asking him if he wanted to do stuff with me (some times he did, oftentimes he didn’t…part of why we drifted apart), I now find myself more lonely than I remember feeling before. Now I think, Who can I ask to go with me to this? And if no one is interested, I feel the alone-ness even stronger. I’ve actually been missing my ex a lot lately. It’s funny, b/c I know you’ve told me that’s how you’ve been feeling too. I know, though, that I miss who I WANTED him to be, and not who he actually was. B/c who he actually was often disappointed me (like by not wanting to go to something with me, or not going to support me, even if he wasn’t particularly interested in it for himself).
  
  I also plan to use the affirmation, “I am One with Spirit.”
  
  Sarah
  http://beyouliveyourdream.blogspot.com/2013/03/let-other-people-be-how-theyre-gonna-be.html
- Donna Rzepka
  
  Yes totally agree with your last statement here and this is exactly what you need to do…ask, believe and receive from this Universe what you want…do not reflect or think about the things that you do not want because that is what you will attract…I am reading all of this and it all validates everything that has evolved in my own life…not having a bond with my mother at all and being separated from my dad at 4 yrs old when he was the only one that ever truly expressed love to me. I felt abandoned and I have had many journeys and acquaintances as well somehow we are meant to seek out certain people certain paths to learn and grow within. And yes we all are one with the spirit, we all have our guardian angels that try to guide and protect us and that’s where our intuition comes into play. I too have just come out of a dreadful relationship where I truly sacrificed myself and gave up all of my power only to be abandoned and it has been so difficult since last May to still deal with the memory of it all. I have to forgive and forget and move on and it is such a struggle when you’ve lost everything, your home your job totally uprooted…you have to rise above all the human frailties and believe…believe in YOU! You are spirit made into flesh, you are perfect in God’s sight…you are worthy! I recently focused on someone and visualized and sent my intention out to the universe and as hard as it may be to believe…that very person has now come into my life…my life has changed so much for the better. He is everything that I could have ever imagined that I wanted and needed in my life. I have finally come to this point of my journey at 55, to meet the love of my entire life to know that I can leave all the hurt behind, that I can be loved honestly whole heartedly for the very first time for who I am. I too find myself alone alot of the time but that is where I draw my strength to be quiet and still, to reflect my thoughts…to be without you then seek within…draw the strength from your inner core of belief and live and work from your heart, everything you do do it with love and passion no matter what it may be. Bring peace and calmness into your heart center and let it overflow, bring yourself, your spirit back into the light and walk. The law of attraction is perfect in this Universe, it is love, which is the greatest power of all…it is all that matters in this entire world. So walk in the spirit of love, with compassion and understanding of all that cross your path. Keep positive in your thoughts and your actions shift your intentions to that direction and live each day being thankful for all things, good and bad…the joy from what is good and that strength that you have acquired to conquer the bad….live from the heart with tremendous attitude of gratitude!
http://beyouliveyourdream.blogspot.com/ Sarah Noel

I can relate to you. I also have a hard time connecting to people, in person. It’s easier online, through writing, through comments on here, through my blog… but in person, with actual PEOPLE? I have very few *real* connections. I’ve tried. I’ve tried forming friendships with people, but they don’t seem particularly interested.

“There’s a battle between the conscious idea that I’m a wonderful person and worth being around, and the subconscious belief that I’m not really worthy of their attention, and even if I was, they would end up leaving me anyway.”

Yep! Me too.

I’m working on being open and living in love and believing that the right people (friend or more than friend) will come into my life when I’m ready.

Sarah
http://beyouliveyourdream.blogspot.com/2013/03/let-other-people-be-how-theyre-gonna-be.html