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Daily Share – My ‘Will I Be Good Enough’ Is Blocking Me From Love!

TDL_FB iconHi TDLers. I’ll get right into it.

I’m a young woman of color. I created an online dating profile about a year ago. Although I have had several dates, none of them have been leading anywhere which has got me down.

Recently I came across an article written about women of color and their success rates on such dating sites. The results were grim and pretty much concluded that out of all women, women with my skin color get messaged the least (by men of all races) and thus are desired the least. This hit me hard. Here I was thinking I was this beautiful young woman with a lot of personality, spunk and intelligence, and it turns out some men who would otherwise be interested in me just aren’t because I come with a different physical package. Ever since learning this, my ego has been telling me the story that finding anyone who will like me and want to go long term with me will be extremely difficult since I came into the world with a strike against me–my brown skin. Now all confidence that I once had in the dating arena has evaporated. Although I receive marginal success on these dating websites (dates, messages), I can’t help but look at it through a self-defeatist cloud of angst. I feel like I unfairly have to compete harder for men–and that energy is just so icky to me.

Tips on how to ignore depressing dating statistics for my racial group and to restore my confidence? As of now, my own “Will I be good enough?” mindset is probably blocking me from receiving the love I think I so deserve…

A TDL Reader

  • Meredith

    Please don’t let that article get you down. The truth of the matter is that just because someone wrote an article and presented information in a certain way,doesn’t mean it is true. It is just the viewpoint of that person and how they view that information. It is atleast partially wrong! At the lowest level it is completely wrong. The only thing that matters is how *you* feel about your beautiful brown skin. When you reconcile that, you will get even better results than you are now. Everything we want is an inside job—everything! The world is only a reflection of our own beliefs—and that might be why you even found that article in the first place. If it were me, I would search my feelings about my having brown skin and see where that takes me. Believe me, there are more than enough men who love women of color! You soooo have this!

  • http://www.facebook.com/Stephan.Gardner Stephan Gardner

    Understand that you don’t need anyone to complete you. The more you think you need someone, the more you will feel incomplete on your own.

    Make a list of everything you would love in a partner. Ask yourself where you already have these things in yourself. Ask yourself what the drawbacks would be to your life if these things were expressed in your partner and not yourself.

    Write a general list of drawbacks if you had a partner.
    Write a general list of benefits if you have a partner.

    Make these lists balanced.

    Your ‘will I be good enough’ mindset is a product of your infatuation with a fantasy. You will never be good enough for a fantasy, because no one is. However, you can break the fantasy by asking these questions and owning where you have in yourself what you want in a partner. The moment you do, you wake up your full self and become attractive to others. You radiate whenever you see you have everything you need. You gravitate whenever you perceive you are missing things.

    Radiate and attract someone who you can actually love and actually love you back.

  • http://twitter.com/LaurLaur411 Laurie Bassi

    You don’t have to base your self worth around one tiny finding in what is probably a flawed study on dating site usage! YOU are choosing to make that a focus and a barrier when probably that barrier doesnt even exist..Even if it did, you dont have to be that statistic! stay focused on what makes you great, and forget all that other stuff!

  • http://www.facebook.com/carol.shannon.39 Carol Shannon

    Hi, I’m sorry for how you’re currently feeling about yourself. I’ve been there as many have, and it’s a pretty dark place when we feel we’re less than we actually are. It’s easy to allow the opinions of others to affect us. As we begin to awaken though, we realize that the only thing that truly matters is how we feel about ourselves! When we let external events affect our internal world we can’t find peace. I was reading a blog this morning on Christine Hassler’s site. She said, “As soon as you truly accept yourself, your fear of rejection will vaporize.” You are enough just as you are!!! Ignore the “tape recording” in your head, that’s NOT who you are! You are pure love and perfection, but you have to know it. You won’t attract the love you’re looking for until you fall in love with yourself and come to accept yourself completely! I think you’re beautiful and totally awesome in every way imaginable, right now this very second!!!! My wish is that you realize it too :)

    ♥Carol

  • PD

    I agree you don’t need anyone to complete you, but humans were made to have interactions with other people, and there is a joy in having a mate that cannot be duplicated. I rarely hear single people say “you don’t need anyone to complete you”. I know how our original poster feels. I’m caucasian and seemingly have everything going for me, and have been on dating sites for years with no long- term success. Dating sites can be a huge blow to your self-confidence because they make you think “all these men and no one wants me?” But you have to trust the process — and believe that the Universe is sending your soulmate to you. You skin color, age or weight won’t matter. Try checking out Arielle Ford’s “The Soulmate Secret”. It really helps. Good luck. And remember, you’re beautiful and perfect as you are.

  • Michelle

    I COMPLETELY understand how you feel! I am also black and felt that exact same discouragement when I tried online dating several years ago. I was even more discouraged because of the fact that I am specifically attracted to white men. The reality is, for about 98% of white men I’m just not their type.

    If I had any advice to give, it would be this:

    #1 Give yourself an online dating “breather” where you either shut your profile down or disable it temporarily for at least a month or so. Take that time to work on you and ensuring you are happy with yourself, BY YOURSELF before you’re ready to share your world with someone else. It sounds insignificant but you can sense when someone has a happy aura and that’s who people want to be around.

    #2 Take newer, more professional photos for your profile. Don’t just crop your friends out of your girl’s-night-out photo or post something of you hanging out on a Saturday night. Having a great photo is EVERYTHING. A great photo determines whether a guy clicks past you to the next person or has his interest piqued enough to want to learn more about you. Having the right lighting also makes a world of difference. Go online and do a search for semi-professional photographers in your area. You specifically want someone who has taken a few event photos already but is still trying to get their foot in the door. It’s much more likely that their prices will be reasonable. That’s an investment that will be worth it in the end.

    #3 Go outside and look your best for your photo! At a minimum, you need at least two types of photos: one with only your face and another with your full body. The face photo should be of you facing the camera directly without sunglasses or distracting earrings and accessories. The body photo should show off your figure; men want to know what your body looks like. Trust me when I say I understand how self-conscious women can be about their body, but I’ve heard men tell me they wouldn’t even consider a woman if she doesn’t have a body shot. Do NOT wear something that shows off your cleavage or has you coming off slutty in any way – unless that’s what you’re trying to attract, of course. One of my favorite quotes says that your clothes should be tight enough to show that you’re a woman and loose enough to show that you’re a lady.

    #4 Put in effort to look your best! That means getting your makeup done by someone who is trained and has experience. I don’t mean anything heavy like full foundation but at LEAST have someone apply the right kind of concealer under your eye. Eyeliner, mascara and blush should be the absolute minimum. I don’t know where you live, but many malls and stores have makeup counters with artists who have been specifically trained and can do your makeup. They usually request you make at least a purchase or two, which is reasonable. Tell them what you want to do and ask that they at least use their best concealer and eye makeup for a casual photo. Just make sure you don’t look like a doll with a plaster face.

    #5 I know this sounds awful, but stay as non-ethnic as possible. Men tend to be attracted to women with straight hair, so if you can avoid the natural-look hairstyles you should. You also don’t want anything that will appear too tribal or hip-hop. A simple T-shirt with jeans and classy heels is perfect.

    #6 Play around with colors in your photo! I’ve heard and read that men are naturally attracted to the color red. They had photos of a woman wearing the exact same style dress in her online photo – one of the dresses was blue while the other dress was red. The profile of her wearing the red dress got more interest than the profile of her wearing the blue dress. Sounds a little funny and ridiculous but again – men are visual creatures and you literally have only one second to grab their interest enough for them to want to read your profile.

    #7 Get help compiling your profile. Go through all of the profiles you can muster (even from the guys who you may not be attracted to) and take note in the things they say. Copy the format from guys who are most close to what you’re trying to attract. Are you looking for someone with a sense of humor who comes across witty in their profile, or are you looking for someone who exudes maturity with a sense of professionalism? That’s how you want to compose your profile. It’s the second most important thing that determines whether a guy will communicate with you or simply move on to the next person.

    #8 Get feedback on your profile from the sex you’re attracted to! I highly encourage you to ask several MEN to review your profile and NOT your girlfriends. Women’s idea of online dating can be vastly different than men’s, so you want feedback from your target audience. Get a variety of opinions from at least three different people, not just one. You also want a man’s opinion of your best photos. Men look for different things in profile pics than women do.

    #9 Be positive! Men are attracted to women who are aspirational and mention the things they would like to do if they have a future with you. Don’t just give the robotic “I like to do this and that” — talk about how you would like to spend your Saturday together. The perfect date would be…walking on the beach, getting ice cream and talking in the shade, blah blah blah.

    #10 Don’t be afraid to make the first move! It’s MORE than okay for you to send an email to someone who catches your eye. You don’t have to get poetic with it at all, either. A simple: “Hi, how are you?” is enough to do the trick. Mention one thing in their profile that caught your eye. It doesn’t hurt to let them know what attracted you to their profile in the first place. Do you two have something in common? “I noticed you love trying new restaurants and I recently ate at ABC Diner for dinner. Have you had a chance to go there yet?”

    #11 Try a MINIMUM of three different dating sites. It doesn’t hurt to have at least one paid website, one that’s free, and one more that is more geared towards your specific interest. For instance, I like white men so I tried a website dedicated to interracial dating. If you’re a Christian and would like someone God-fearing, try a website meant for people who share that view. There are also lots of new websites that offer unique spins on dating. Someone told me about something called “Why Don’t We…” There are so many options out there it will make your head spin. Get on those non-traditional sites as well.

    #12 Don’t let non-responses get you down. In life, people get rejected ALL. THE. TIME. You won’t always know why someone doesn’t want you, and try not to beat yourself up over it. Sometimes the reason why they don’t respond has nothing to do with you at all. Maybe they simply found someone else they’re attracted to and are in the “I’m not really looking at someone else” phase of their courtship. And if there’s anyone who doesn’t want to communicate with you, I truly believe they’re doing you a favor.

    Good luck! Be positive and patient. I truly believe that things in life happen when they’re SUPPOSED to happen, not necessarily when you want them to happen. Both of you have to be ready for each other at the same time. All you need is one person and you will find your way to each other eventually. Just DON’T GIVE UP!!!!!

  • Cosmical Dreamer

    The reality is its hard to find real love on these dating websites. The reality is anyone can make a profile built on who they WISH they were, who they THINK they are, and leave out the essence of who they really are, for better or for worse. As someone who’s done these dating websites plenty of times, I have yet to have a ONE successful relationship from these dates and the majority of these dates have been unsatisfying. A few have transformed into cool friendships and nothing more. Similar interests don’t equal to a love match.

    Essentially I was looking for a quick solution for my lack of love by 1) looking outside myself 2) taking the magic out 3) not being patient. Throw yourself into something your passionate about, care about… Not at these superficial types who wouldn’t give you a chance based on skin color. That’s their problem, not yours. Also take a look at your own blind spots. How can you be disappointed in these men for discriminating against your color when you do the same to men of your own color? Are you just drawn to what’s on the outside or do these white men have characteristics you don’t see anywhere else? Look at these qualities you think they have and find them within.

  • pepperpix

    I am new to TDL, and I am not sure how its works yet. I am an older woman, who has not dated in 10 yrs. I literally am scared to date. I am old fashioned in my thinking as far as dating goes. I had three relationships in my lifetime and many proposals. Once married and two children. I was very naive in my first marriage, and very trusting. I think I went totally the opposite. afraid to take a chance that a man will be truly honest. I spent many years in therapy, and sometimes think I want a relationship, but, then I think I am too comfortable in my own skin. Could it be that I just have not met the person I want to be with? The two relationships I had after m 11yr marriage were with men who were insecure and controlling..never wanted me to do anything but, stay in the house and cater to them…I know that is not me…I am wondering if I will every an about another man again….looking for some thoughts on this please.

  • http://beyouliveyourdream.blogspot.com/ Sarah Noel

    Hi. I’ve also been on dating sites and you might actually be lucky that you’re getting more messages. Most of the ones I’ve gotten were from guys who were NOT serious at all, and their messages made that obvious. I think the reality is, even more than the statistics of women with brown skin on dating sites… is you DO have a chance of meeting someone great on them, just like anywhere else in life, but everyone isn’t going to be into you. No matter who you are. I mean, I’m sure you’ve looked through profiles of guys on there yourself. And I’m sure you’ve seen PLENTY who you weren’t interested in either, right?

    My advice is to not be so hard on yourself. You ARE a beautiful young woman (even though I can’t see you, I believe you). Don’t let lack of messages or dates from an online dating site cloud your belief in yourself!! If it’s making you feel worse about yourself, and not better, get off it! Seriously.

    I’m a believer that when the time is right to meet the next person with whom you’ll get into a relationship with, it’ll happen. However it’s meant to happen, it’ll happen. You don’t need to worry about it or try to “make” it happen. I met my ex-bf when I was out with some girl friends, just to have fun, and was not at all looking to meet someone that night. Then we met, totally by chance (we have a mutual friend and we all just happened to be at the same place at the same time).
    And currently I’m seeing someone who I met totally unexpectedly and totally randomly. The Universe works in your best interest. At all times. Trust that! And KNOW that you are beautiful and good enough!! :)

    Sarah
    http://beyouliveyourdream.blogspot.com/2013/03/let-yourself-get-excited.html