Daily Share – Never Been In A Healthy Relationship…

As far as I can remember I have never been in a real HEALTHY relationship EVER. There was this one time when I had just turned 18, and I was serving in the military overseas. I thought I was madly in love with this handsome 23-year-old, and we had this whirlwind romance, only to result that on our way back home not only did I find out he has a live-in girlfriend back home, but I was pregnant. He was my first everything and now we share a beautiful boy. However, this left me broken for a very long time. Since I was busy being alone and pregnant because, of course, he went back to his girlfriend, I didn’t give myself any time to heal. I am a great mother and have provided my son with the security and lovable environment that a child needs to flourish throughout their childhood. Yet, my romantic life is a disaster, it is full of one-nighters, false promises and emotionally unavailable men. This has a lot to do with me because I feel that it is safe to not be with someone who needs me all the time since all of my focus has been on my child and my education. He is 9 now and I realize what a mess I have made out of my love life. It took me a long time to forgive myself for my mistakes and to learn to love myself and all of my flaws that make me who I am. Now I have all this love that I want to share and partnership I want to build.

A couple of months ago I met a guy who seems to be very honest and sincere. He is such a beautiful person and is going through a difficult time right now. He has been separated from his wife for over a year and he has been going through a rough time because of the holidays. He tells me not to take it personal and that he gets this way because of the fact that he was with someone for so long that did not want him. So he says it’s more about him and not her at this point. I don’t know what to do about this. Do I leave him alone? Am I being co-dependent? How does this work?

A TDL Reader

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Guest

He needs time to heal. Your friendship might serve him better. Yes, it is co-dependency. You can’t fix him or his situation. You can’t love him enough to make it all better. You can’t and won’t be the exception. Find someone who is where you are and has love to give from their surplus, not their deficit. What he is telling you is that he’s emotionally unavailable. Believe him. Offer your friendship but do not get caught in the trap of trying to love someone out of their misery. It doesn’t work. Good luck to you! Take care of you and your heart. Find someone who will honor you and cherish you in thought, word and deed. You will know whats right when you don’t have to question the relationship.
Much love and support to you.
Beth

I get you. I just let go of another lousy relationship. Even with years of doing a lot of personal work… seeing the pattern repeating, I know it has to do with me. So Im working on changing that thing deep inside that I think about myself. In this past relationship I abandoned myself to serve him, and he abandoned me emotionally. So I am practicing going against that thought inside that I have about me….have to go deep to hear what that is. Anything can be overcome though.
- Suzieg59
  
  Get your self to an alanon meeting and surround yourself with loving support from others who share your patterns of behavior. Meetings are frequent and very cheap you pay what you can usually a dollar or two, more if the mood strikes you. This organization changed my life I grew up in alcoholism which contributed to my codependency attributes. The people in alanon shared their experiences and I found myself changing. I am not perfect but my copeing skills and thinking skills are vastly improved. The program is not a religious program but a spiritual one. Good luck to you
Soulflowerinc

Find the strength to let go…….you can choose to be a good friend to him, which will involve boundaries. Or, if your feelings go beyond friendship, it’s best to let go of the situation entirely. Maintaing an authentic relationship and friendship will be a challenge if your expectations are likely to fall into the romantic realm. Speak your truth throughout all of it, and share with him how you’re feeling about things. Do not give him the “benefit of the doubt” because of his situation. Always love and take care of you first. Fill up your cup so that you have energy to give when the right and emotionally available man comes into your experience.
Gvieth

I’m going through a similar situation &, if you are like me, letting it go is not what you want to hear. It is, however, the best advice. You can still hold out some hope that he will become more emotionally available & that it will work but you must allow yourself to be open to other possibilities/opportunities & don’t have an attachment to the outcome.
Anne

I agree with Susieg59…..go to Alanon…..It is a great place to get the tools you need to find and be in a healthy relationship……..
I too suffer from making awful choices in men!!!!!!
I am a recovering alcholic…8 1/2 years in recovery….I have learned how to live a life free from trying to love…give….make….other people happy and get over the saddness and problems in THEIR LIVES…..

When you really realize that you have NO CONTROL OVER ANYONE ELSE is when you begin to heal……
No one does anything to you…..(as an ADULT) …..you allow it by not setting boundries for yourself…

DON”T expect things to get better when every excuse you can think of will happen….

They will only get better when you make a choice not to wait on someone else….
and realize it is YOU …….THAT HAS TO CHANGE!!!!

I know it’s difficult….but work on yourself first….don’t get in a realationship that someone is greiving or in pain….you owe yourself the joy of a healthy …..fun …
new beginning!

Anne:)
Laurie

I agree that Al-Anon would be a great option for you, but I also suggest SLAA. It’s kind of hushed in the recovery world because it’s about “sex and love”, but it’s extremely beneficial. It isn’t just about “dirty sex addicts” (who, by the way, are people just like us… that’s another rant) but it’s about our personal love patterns that get us all tangled up, and learning to love in a healthy way. It’s about learning self-care so that you can learn other-care. I’d encourage you to at least look up a couple of books on love addiction, and if you don’t want to work in SLAA, get a sponsor in Al-Anon who is willing to work with you on love addiction as well.
In my life I’ve found SLAA and love addiction recovery to be really helpful in changing how I approach my relationships. The boundaries piece in particular has been extremely helpful. Learning that I have a choice in my relationships has been extremely helpful. Above all, learning that I CAN take care of myself and I don’t need to assign that responsibility to anyone else has been so freeing.
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=8848233 Mark Edward

He needs time to go through his own process. Just remain open and have an open heart and many things will change for the better.
TrackerM

It never works out if You give your emotions to someone who is emotionally unavailable, for whatever reason. It just ends up with so much pain & pulls you down so far, you just lose more self respect & confidence. I have loved people who were unavailable, & that was entirely down to me & my own neediness. I realise now I was searching in them for something I already had, I just didn’t realise it. I have learned in the last few years that the best thing to do with emotionally unavailable people is to walk away, it is hard but the freedom it brings is amazing. I now have a healthy friendship with the last one that I walked away from AND even better I leaned to love & respect myself & now have a wonderful, happy & fulfilling relationship, with someone who is fully available!! My neediness issues have gone & I no longer need to find Love, or anything else outside of me, through things or people. You cannot change people, only they can do that & they often won’t & that is their problem, don’t please let it mess up your life. If you can be a friend to this Guy without wanting more, then great but, if you can’t then walk away. There is someone far better out there for you, & when you find that internal peace & joy, they will be ready & waiting.
Guest

This sounds a lot like my recent ex. Divorced for two years after being with his ex. for 12+ years with a 6 year old daughter to boot. Sweet guy, caring father, good friend, etc. AND COMPLETELY EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE. Don’t be this guy’s shoulder to cry on. Take my word for it: He will alternate between opening up to you/ seemingly forming an emotional bond with you and then pull a one-eighty and disappear periodically before finally pulling the plug on your relationship after you’ve invested your heart and soul into trying to “help him through his issues”. You don’t need to get burned further. Find someone with less emotional baggage who is strong enough on their own.