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Daily Share – Should I Stop All Contact With Him?

TDL_FB-iconHello,
I am having an extremely difficult time trying to figure out what to do with my ex (we were together for a year and a half, but we started off as friends). I am in college, and have a dorm room, but I spent about the past 7 months with him at this apartment. We saw each other, and hung out everyday (which I know many will say is not the best thing to do). I have met pretty much his ENTIRE family due to him inviting me to multiple family events.

We often talked about our future together, he said in everything he wanted to do in the future, he saw me there with him. We broke up about a month ago, but I cannot seem to get him off my mind. We had both been under a lot of stress, and had recently started arguing more. We had a big fight before he decided to break it off. The next day was confusing. He invited me to Easter dinner at his parents house, but I declined. Later on in the day, however, he called me and told me he was coming over to drop off my stuff. When I got to the car to get my stuff, he was acting very rude.

A couple of days after we broke up, he contacted me and said he really needed to tell me something. We met, and he told me that the reason we broke up was not me at all, but he said he knew he’d been having mood swings lately, and that he had some personal problems he needed to take care of in order to be a “better man” both for himself and for me. We both agreed that there should be no more contact until he solved his problems. The break, however, was unclean. After we broke up, we saw each other a few more times, hugged, laughed, talked and said I love yous. We pushed the “no contact rule” back until I went home to California for the summer.

However, when I got to California, he continued to call and text me like normal. When I asked him “what about the no contact rule?”, he said that he loved me and couldn’t see himself not talking to me. He also said he didn’t see why he couldn’t work on his problems and still keep up the contact. All of my family that I have talked to about the situation said the best thing to do is to completely cut off contact. So I struggled with what I wanted to do. I was depressed and more confused than I’ve ever been. I really didn’t want to cut off contact with the one I love, but a very small part of me felt like it might be the best thing to do, at least for the summer.

So I finally made the decision to cut it off about a week ago. He told me “I really don’t want to do this, but I will respect your decision.” and then, with a laugh, he said “But I’ll let you know right now, you will be getting a call from me in August.” (August is the next time I will be in his state). Since then, we have had a few slip-ups. I never contact him first, but he calls every 2 days or so, or he’ll find a way to learn some information that is relevant to me, and text me about it.

Now it’s been 3 days since I’ve heard from him and I feel like I’m going crazy. I have to CONSTANTLY tell myself not to call him or contact him in any way. I find myself just generally wondering how he is doing, playing back old memories in my head, and just basically pining for him.

Lately, all my dreams have been about him, and sometimes I feel like he’s sleeping right next to me still. I’m currently trying to work on myself and getting me out of the dumps by becoming independent again, staying busy, and realizing I can’t make someone my source of peace and happiness. But I wonder everyday, every hour of the day, have I made the right decision? Should I cut things off and try to forget about him, or can we work on ourselves and still keep up contact? I feel like I’m torturing myself with my own decision. Thank you for reading through, and responding to my mess.

A TDL Reader

  • http://www.twopawsupgrooming.com/ Carol Shannon

    Good morning :) In my opinion you can ABSOLUTELY be in a loving relationship and “work on yourselves”. We’re all a work in progress and the work never stops. If you both love one another and want to be together, then be together! The “work” while you’re together is loving and accepting yourself unconditionally in this moment, separate from him. Be the love you’re looking for and by being that love, you’ll bring the best YOU you can be to the relationship. It takes the pressure off the other person when we come to see that we’re the only one responsible for our happiness. You claim your power when you accept that responsibility, your happiness is your choice and yours alone. I wish you two much love and happiness in your lives. I love you, Carol

  • http://www.sarahdizney.com/ Sarah Noel

    I can relate to your story. It reminds me of my own (and I apologize to TDL readers who’ve heard my story too many times by now).

    I had been with my boyfriend for about 2 years when I broke things off, needing to work on myself – just as your bf did with you. Our relationship had not been going all that great, but he in no way wanted to end things, while I knew I needed to take a step back. We had been living together even, and he moved out. He got his own apartment. At first, we talked occasionally. Then I realized I needed to “move on” and I stopped all contact with him. This, however, didn’t last very long, but it was long enough. We probably only went a few weeks of zero contact. Then we started talking, as friends, occasionally again… and then we ended up getting back together. From start to finish… from me ending the relationship and him moving out, to us back together… it was about 4 1/2 months.

    In that time, as I said, we would sometimes still talk/text/see each other, and sometimes go for a while without contact. Also in that time I REALLY Focused on myself. I read the book, “The Untethered Soul,” by Michael Singer. If you have not read that yet, I HIGHLY encourage it! It changed my life. Seriously. It gave me a totally new outlook on life, relationships, and how we see the world around us. I 100% believe I am with my boyfriend again because of what I learned in that book. It was THAT changing for me!

    Whether you read the book or not, or whether it has the same effect on you or not, my ultimate advice to you is to tune into you. What feels right to YOU? Forget what your bf wants. Forget what his or your family or friends are saying you should do. Forget what experts say even. Inside yourself, what do you feel yourself longing to do? What do you feel compelled to do? Out of LOVE, mind you, not out of fear. Pay special attention to WHY you feel the need to do things. If it feels pure and true, and coming from the heart… listen to that!! If you find that you want to do something b/c you’re afraid of something else happening or not happen… do not do that.

    Let Love be your guide.

    For me, after some time away from my bf, I realized that I still wanted to be with him. My heart was telling me to be near him. I was no longer living in fear in the relationship, as I was before, in regards to the issues we had had, that basically caused the break-up. That’s how I knew it was a true feeling. It wasn’t based in fear, it was based out of love. I wanted to be with him, and at the same time, I trusted that if he didn’t want to get back together with me, that it would be for the best. I trusted the Universe and trusted my heart. And now… a little over a year since we got back together, we are engaged to be married and I see a long life of happiness with him.

    But that’s my story. Yours may have a different ending. The key is to do what YOU feel you need to do for you. Do whatever you need to do to tune out other voices. Your heart WILL guide you to the right and best place for you, if you let it.

    All my best to you!

    Sarah
    http://www.beyouliveyourdream.blogspot.com

  • Kath222

    Oh my dear, I know how hard this is for you. You love him. And this is what makes the situation so hard. You say “he decided to break it off.” Not you – him. And also that “there should be no more contact until he solved his problems.” Not your problems – his problems.

    You did not initiate this – he did. He has broken up with you. He has decided he no longer wishes to go out with you, be your boyfriend, have you be his girlfriend.

    As hard as this is – YOU need to set the standard here and set your limits. He broke up with YOU. I know you long for him, I know you love him – but you deserve someone who loves you too and who longs for you. Who is proud to call you his girlfriend, his lover, his friend. Your former boyfriend can’t give this to your right now. He may never be able to give this to you.

    You need to cut this off right now. All your attention is going to him and he doesn’t deserve it right now. He broke up with you. He made the decision to let you go. Your emotions and your heart are tied up with someone who does not wish to reciprocate, at least for now.

    So, my recommendation would be to let this go. It is hard I know. It is hard. But he has made his decision. So you need to honor that and go on your way.
    Enjoy your summer. Go out and have some fun. Go flirt with someone else. Go kiss someone else. This is a big wide world with lots of wonderful people in it. Go out and find someone wonderful You are young and not committed. Let him miss you, see what he is missing. If you still maintain contact with him, he is not missing out on you. He has you on the back burner.

    Give it the summer while you are in separate states. Give yourself this time to heal from your broken relationship.

    I don’t agree with everything this blogger writes, but there is value in what he says: http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2011/08/dealing-with-breakup-or-rejection.html

    I wish you all the best, dear little sister. Trust in YOU and go out and have a fun summer! Love to you.