I am eighteen years old, and I am currently struggling with an addiction to hurting myself. I have been self conscious since I was little, and after being in an emotionally, mentally, and verbally abusive relationship for nearly two years, I have become addicted to hurting my body because it’s the only thing that eases the pain. I do it in a variety of ways, I smoke cigarettes and lots of weed, I cut myself often, and have recently gotten into huffing hair spray and taking hydro’s to get high. I also occasionally starve myself, or drink Miralax to make myself lose weight, because I’m 117 pounds but want to be 110 pounds.
I have been struggling with self hate since I was in the eighth grade, and until just recently no one knew about it. I told my dad I was cutting myself, because I knew if I didn’t tell someone it would lead to my death. Naturally, he told my mother, and now my whole family knows. That really, really upset me, because they all started acting weird around me, and there’s nothing I hate more than people feeling sorry for me and trying to act like they understand.
So anyways, as you have probably noticed, my disease stems far beyond a cutting problem. I have decided to avoid going to see a psychiatrists however, because all they’ll do is tell me I’m crazy and put me on a bunch of meds that I’ll probably get myself addicted too. I am a big fan of writing, so I have decided to try to heal myself through the gifts of self expression and creativity, instead. For anyone out there that knows what I’m goin’ through, I send you love, and the knowledge that we truly are not alone.
Love, A TDL Reader
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