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Daily Share – Struggling With Addiction To Hurting Myself!

Dear Daily Love Readers,

I am eighteen years old, and I am currently struggling with an addiction to hurting myself. I have been self conscious since I was little, and after being in an emotionally, mentally, and verbally abusive relationship for nearly two years, I have become addicted to hurting my body because it’s the only thing that eases the pain. I do it in a variety of ways, I smoke cigarettes and lots of weed, I cut myself often, and have recently gotten into huffing hair spray and taking hydro’s to get high. I also occasionally starve myself, or drink Miralax to make myself lose weight, because I’m 117 pounds but want to be 110 pounds.

I have been struggling with self hate since I was in the eighth grade, and until just recently no one knew about it. I told my dad I was cutting myself, because I knew if I didn’t tell someone it would lead to my death. Naturally, he told my mother, and now my whole family knows. That really, really upset me, because they all started acting weird around me, and there’s nothing I hate more than people feeling sorry for me and trying to act like they understand.

So anyways, as you have probably noticed, my disease stems far beyond a cutting problem. I have decided to avoid going to see a psychiatrists however, because all they’ll do is tell me I’m crazy and put me on a bunch of meds that I’ll probably get myself addicted too. I am a big fan of writing, so I have decided to try to heal myself through the gifts of self expression and creativity, instead. For anyone out there that knows what I’m goin’ through, I send you love, and the knowledge that we truly are not alone.

Love,  A TDL Reader

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This was shared with the author’s permission. We take your privacy seriously and would never publish something without your consent. Share what you’re going through by sending Mastin an email: [email protected].

  • Anon

    Dear TDL Reader. These addictions you speak of are not uncommon. Cutting yourself is very dangerous, as is the use of different substances to get high. I am a grateful recovering Alcoholic, so I know the pain of addiction. My advice is to seek out help groups in your area. Number one check out your local N.A. chapter/meetings. You’ll find a lot of support there. They might be able to point you to a self help group that deals with the issue of cutting. It’s nothing to be ashamed of and I pray you decide to get help. As for the psychiatrist, it could not hurt, but I would imagine you’ll find a lot more support among a group of your peers dealing with the same issues. Check out local clinics and talk to professionals, they will help you deal with the pain, and the addiction. I wish you well in your recovery.

  • http://www.twitter.com/emabaksa Ema

    I have not had that “problem” that you have, but I have been mentaly abused throught my whole elementary and high school. I still sometimes feel ugly and treat myself poorly, but I am studying to become fitness trainer. With every single day I am learning to love myself so much more. If you ever need anyone to listen or just to talk, you have link to my twitter account, send me a message and I am here whenever you need it. :) Since I am learning to become a fitness trainer maybe I can teach you how to eat healthy (although I don’t know what you eat, and I am not saying that you eat bad) or teach you some simple exercises to help you get to the weight that you want. Anyway, if you see this, email me on twitter.
    And one last thing..you are BEAUTIFUL and AMAZING just the way you are. 
    Much love and blessings.

  • Jpmssam

    Thank you for sharing your pain . I too was once a teen in a lot of pain because I was Gay .
    Not being accepted by the masses and in a constant state of confusion I turned to drugs and alcohol to give me confidence to live my own life and escape .
    25 years later I have found myself in recovery and a gay man quite happy with who I am .
    For you I would say , Know that you are a special , loving person and that you deserve happiness .
    Further know that being a teenager sucks at times , but it gets easier , especially after you get your first or second year of working in a job you enjoy and start gaining financial and emotional independence . Choose your posse wisely and surround yourself with people that excuse the qualities you admire and want to attract in your life .
    Finally , take it from a 49 year old man , this is the only body you get , love it , treat it with care and know you deserve happiness

  • Patti

    You are a very brave young person!! I am very very proud of you! It takes a lot and someone VERY brave to see what is happening and reach out. You are a smart, beautiful Young Lady (guessing due to wanting to lose weight) and can conquer this!! I was bullied by people that were once my friends when I was in 6th grade going into 7th grade and that was VERY hard and hurtful. Took me a long time to get over and forgive them. Years later they appologized to me. Know in your heart, you deserve better than how you are treating yourself. Being healthy is number 1!! Much love and prayers to you my friend.

  • Czaee

    Dear friend,

     I send you much love, light and healing. We all face challenges so we can learn although sometimes the picture is fuzzy in the present. Please love yourself for who you are. 117 and 110 are just numbers. They cannot and never will define you. If you love yourself, you will find so will the rest of the world. Try some meditations, this one is simple, perhaps you can begin with  it – http://globalloveproject.com/inspiration/world-healing-meditation/
    Please do not be biased about psychiatrists. Counselling and group work has gotten me out of deep pits… twice! I am sorry your family isn’t responding the way you would like them to and I have been there several times. I began then bottling things up. But now I have learned to depend emotionally on friends who understand and counsellors who help me think things through. I wish the same for you. Group work is insanely useful because you can hear other people’s journey and that’s what helped me learn to share. I now make a conscious effort to keep feelings from piling up. But you have a beautiful wellspring of love within you. I pray you find it soon, so you never have to look outside for love and discover all the ways you can love yourself and others. Wishing you a blessed life

  • Aly

    Reading your post was like reliving my high school years. It was painful enough to live them myself but to hear someone else ( and I know plenty of people do go through similar things) is hart because I wish those things on no one. I am 22 years old and in high school I did anything any everything just to hurt my body. I smoked weed, drank, took pills, made myself throw up and the main thing I did was cut. Sometimes now that I am an adult I look at the scars all over my body and I regret them but I have to have some thing positive out of the experience. I can look at them and say I learned how to deal with pain in a different way, it’s a constant reminder not to go down that road again. I don’t cut or smoke or do any of those things anymore but I was forced into addressing those issues when I was in high school. I see a therapist now and sometimes still struggle with loving myself as I am, it’s a constant battle for me but I see it like, as long as you want to get better and do better, just try ye best that you can. It’s great that you are reaching out and letting people know what you are going through an that you do want to be better. P.s. everyone had different ways of healing no one way is best, it’s different for each person, for example I see a therapist but I don’t take medication, in the end it’s your decision, your body. :) hope things work out, if you want it you can do it. I am sending love your way.

  • RMDauben

    WOW! Well, I won’t “feel sorry for you”, but I will tell you that your sharing your “STORY” is very powerful, it made me think. I’m an old man now , but have lived a life that I almost ended about a year ago. I obviously did not do that and it’s because I figured out that all the BS we got as children is coming from from a base of FEAR! We develope perceptions from the thoughts we hold inside. That is, we use our senses and our emotions and thus, they become our perceived reality. I agree with others here and what they are saying, that you are SPECIAL and GIFTED and once you can understand Self-Love, then you can begin to begin, as it were. There is a way out of the situation you are in. Darkness cannot exist in Light, so how do you get to Light? By seeking the help of others who have gone through similar things as you. AND, most importantly-You have to WANT to be Happy! It’s our natural state. Maybe all that you are experiencing is a sign that you need to WRITE, which you do very well.
    Also, check out Andy Shaws web site: abugfreemind.com., it is most powerful and helps me. I am currently writing two books, “A Fallen Leaf”, my personal experiences in life and how I have overcome HUGE obstacles. The other book is: “Are You Living on Purpose or By Default? That book covers in great detail how our mind works and how to live a life of Purpose, BEING HAPPY! It’s our deepest desire in life to be happy. You would not have written YOUR STORY today for no reason, think about it!
    I think you’re a natural genius, no joke, because you KNOW the TRUTH! You don’t want any of us to feel sorry for you, so stop feeling sorry, and realize that you are a great writer and figure out in DETAIL, what you desire in your life and START NOW to create YOUR LIFE, the way YOU WANT IT TO BE! Don’t let others be your report card! You may not realize just now what is going on but in fact you have uncovered the way out, you wrote about it! That’s the first step, now move in the direction you really want to go, which is to leave all the baggage and garbage behind you. Just “Delete” all crappy thoughts and feelings like you would on your computer. Then “Reboot” a new O/S that gets you to where you want to go. A bad virus can really mess up your computer, so UPLOAD a good ANTI-VIRUS, one that works for you!

    Love,

    Rich

  • Austinhl1

    What a wonderfully brave thing to write. There’s been some quality advice here already so I’ll keep it short.
    1. Your feelings are just feelings. At your age, feelings often seem like they will never go away, and they are so overwhelmingly intense. But please, please hear me when I say that they are ONLY feelings. They are not the truth. The TRUTH, which is seperate from how you feel, is that you are a beautiflu person with endless potential. Perhaps you’re reading this and thinking I’m full of BS, and that you don’t feel good, you don’t feel beautiful. But as a recovering cutter and alcoholic, I have learned that feelings are just a voice inside my head, often telling me lies, like I’d be happier if I lost weight, and I’m not good enough. While it stings to hear that voice say that, it is not true. The sooner you start paying attention to the TRUTH, the sooner you could possibly start feeling some relief.

    2. I urge you strongly to check out an AA meeting in your area. All AA is, is a wonderful group of people who’d love to help you, no questions asked.

  • Michelle A.

    Thank you for sharing your story. You are aware of how you want help!! You are worth it!! A great life is in store for you. You are not alone. We have all had struggles and pain, sharing our challenges with people who will build us up and not bring us down helps.
    You are worth it.
    Blessings,
    Michelle

  • Carrie

    You are a strong young person. Never underestimate the power of self expression through written word. I praise you for allowing yourself to heal through your chosen art form. It took many years for me to stop hurting myself (in a self sabotaging way). It also took me many years to open up to a counselor and to start taking meds I so desperately needed to balance out my brain the way nature had intended, but forgot. My work in the health care sector has helped me to realize that many, many people (successful people, too) rely on medications to get through certain things in their own lives. Do whatever makes you sane, and healthy but please do not think you are weak if you rely on meds or talking to a counselor. May Peace and Happiness fill your soul.

  • Montavonr17

    I’m doing the same exact thing, I’m a 13 year old girl. I started cutting, I’m drinking right now, and it’s because of my parents. A week ago, I promised myself I was going to commit suicide on this Monday, 3 days from now, by overdose. I know what you’re going through. I’m not going to suck up, but it’s nice to know we really aren’t alone. I need to confess, maybe I might change my mind. I’ve been doing this a year now. This is the first thing I’ve ever said about it.

  • Guest

    That’s not true! Psychiatrists are educated and empathetic; they understand that the people who come in for help are actually just the opposite of crazy: they are super sane for recognizing they have a problem and need help working with it. I have a long history of self abuse and psychologists have been crucial for my healing journey. Not only is it powerful to have someone rooting for you and helping you to clarify your thoughts a little, but they offer something a regular person in your community can’t. Try calling a help line, just to try it. If you think they are calling you irrational or stupid or crazy or whatever, they are a bad counselor. I urge you to try again elsewhere! They’ll help you to see why the people around you are having a hard time reacting to you with empathy, and give you suggestions on how you can shift your experience with them by exploring all of your options (being boldly open with them just to give them a kick in the face; ha!) Love to you. I wish you success on your healing journey ahead of you xoxo