I am hopeful in my situation of sitcom strangeness that I am sitting at the cusp of positive change and breakthrough. Many days feel like a bleak struggle interspersed with fleeting moments of light that encourage me to keep holding on. I desperately want to find calmness so that I know how to let my light shine. I’m not there. The past two years have felt like survival mode. Divorcee is my new status as of two weeks ago. My marriage fell apart and I’m slowly seeing the ugliness that comprised the relationship years before the demise. The worst horror is seeing myself make some of the same decisions my mother made to an abusive man, something I was certain I’d never do. I thought these realizations would empower me, but I’m feeling lost and paralyzed. Maybe I haven’t gotten far enough away from it all yet to gain perspective on my small steps. I desperately want to figure out my purpose. I suspect it’s sitting right in front of me and is hidden by my mountain of junk. I have yet to regain (find?) my voice and confidence and eradicate the inner ugliness that simply amplified after this relationship. I’m an artist and musician, but I’ve been inconsistent in figuring out how to utilize what should be no brainer tools to get me through this. There’s a fear and terror that I have to fight. I go to a job daily where I feel like pounding my head in my cubicle wondering how to get on a more fulfilling track. I do have unusual blessings in my life like my beautiful roommate and her beautiful kids, wonderful bandmates, an awesome camera (!), caring coworkers, and the most fantastic granny I could ask for. I’m sure I’m right next to my path, but it feels like I’m still struggling in the dark most days.
A TDL Reader